How to Get Out of a Funk

8 minute read

I’ve been in a funk for most of the summer. My energy is low, my motivation is lower and I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed. Granted there’s a perfect storm swirling around me - the kids are off and floating around, either saying they are bored or surgically attached to screens making me feel like the worst parent on Earth. There’s running a brand new business, there’s Covid uncertainty - vaccinated but the numbers are rising - will we be locking down again? - yikes, can’t handle that! Also, my Mum is going through a course of chemo and my Dad is about to have a procedure on his heart. So yes, it’s a funny, funky time. But I’ve had these realisations as I’ve pushed through it all, ever a deep thinker, I always strive to find both solace and solutions. Perhaps you’ll relate…

First and foremost, Give Yourself a Break

We are all too hard on ourselves. Like, really hard. It is entirely natural to feel flat from time to time. Energy ebbs and flows, as does enthusiasm, vim and vigour. Even for things and people we love. The culture of perfectionism that has evolved around us (while nobody was really looking) is reductive and rubbish. The narratives around motherhood, career, partnership, friends and family are all quite out of balance in my opinion, with many women focusing on those external elements and how productive and performative they are within them, instead of considering how they are within themselves.

If you watched the sublime I Am Victoria on Channel 4 last week you will have seen Suranne Jone’s searingly real and honest portrayal of a woman overloaded. Not a bitch, not a control freak - just an overwhelmed woman, like lots of us - one who was trying to keep everyone else happy by creating and managing a life she thought best to have. It was all on her shoulders. She was past her limits. Nobody was minding her. It was painful viewing and possibly one of the most important pieces of female-led TV of our times. Nothing is worth sacrificing our sanity for. All-white kitchens with clear countertops and kids dressed in their spotless best for trips to Tesco do not a happy women make. Drop any impossible standards you may be working to. Let it go and take a break. Even temporarily, while you consider what it is you’re striving for, and if it is still what you actually want. A lot of us stepped on a treadmill back in the ’90s sometime and have been running so hard we haven’t noticed that the world is different now, there’s no real need for such speed. As the line in Desiderata says, “go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence”. Channel the 60’s kids instead - drop out. Tune in.

Let’s Just Be Honest

Knowing yourself and showing up as yourself is the ultimate act of liberation. As is being honest about your opinion and experience. I am the mother of an autistic daughter and as we have been learning all about neurodivergent brains such as hers and the tactics they employ in order to live in the world we have learned about the term ‘masking’. This is when autistic people, frequently young girls, learn social skills that feel deeply unnatural and uncomfortable to them in order to ‘fit in’.

I think a lot of women do that too. When asked “how are you?” we say “fine thanks”, when often we are not. This leaves us stuck in our funk. Alone.

That bullshit narrative of not complaining in order to be polite denies connection and defies truth. I’m not saying that when asked how you are, that you spill your guts entirely as that may not, indeed, be correct for a passing greeting, but if a friend asks how you are and you answer lightly and flippantly, it’s a lost chance at connection, at crossing a bridge towards them. If you said, “you know what, I’m a bit flat, I’ll tell you again”, they may say, “no, pal, tell me now if you like, I have time” - and then the funk lifts - conversations are had and bonds reinforced.

There is a reason that the most excellent TV of recent years such as I Am Victoria, Motherland, Fleabag and This Way Up have been about visceral honesty, gritty realism and gutsy connection - they are the greatest acts of authentic solidarity. Humour also lives there - the human condition is all of us and sometimes it’s funny! Don’t miss out on telling it like it is.

We should reclaim the how are you's to really mean them. And then we should really answer them. Masking how we are leads to a life of pretence, and who wants that? Reveal yourself.

Choose What’s Important

When overwhelmed, try focussing on small things and ignoring big things. Climate change? No. Walk the dog? Yes. There is a form of cognitive dissonance that occurs when you hold too much in your brain at once. It’s not all worthy of being there in that specific moment. Edit your mind and think micro, not macro. Not forever, just for now.

I listened to Suranne Jones talk to Fearne Cotton on her Happy Place podcast this week, where, when talking about I Am Victoria, they discussed overwhelm. And Suranne said that, for her, when things get too big or hard she “clings on to what is small and true and real”. She thinks about what is good for her.

The old narratives of motherhood, marriage etc often subsume the woman to the role of manager and minder, leaving herself at the bottom of the pile. This is a direct and fast route to overwhelm. Adding yourself to the to-do list (and perhaps deleting all else on it) is one of the keys to peace. Consider what is really important.

Hint: it’s you.

Dance yourself clean

Last week, in a random turn of events, everyone who lives in my house left the house. I was alone for one blissful hour. My first instinct was to turn on music and crank it up really loud. So I did. I danced freely and madly, shaking my ass and jumping and singing like a madwoman. And I cried! Music is an absolute release and being at home with family or other people means we haven’t had enough of our own music - what we like and don’t have to justify. Be it Madonna, Beyonce or Beethoven’s 5th (for me that day it was LCD Soundsystem) it doesn’t matter. Close the curtains if you’re shy - blast whatever it is that makes you move a lot and just fucking go for it. Don’t think about dance ‘moves’ - just move. It’s cathartic. It’s healing. It’s releasing. Your day and mindset will instantly improve.

Learn to rest your mind (like, really rest it)

A woman who follows me on Instagram said to me the other day, after I posted a picture about my meditation, that she doesn’t know how to be still. And I totally get it. I didn’t either.
I didn’t know how to, or why I would/should even want to. But earlier this year, the cognitive noise felt, well, too noisy, so I gave it a try. Granted it was in lockdown and this esoteric stuff felt easier to start then in all that blank space, but I did it and I’m still doing it.

And what I’ve learnt is simply this: Sit somewhere quiet. The bed is good. Close your eyes, hold something nice - I hold a rose quartz crystal or my favourite Helen James mug with the rounded base. Sometimes I’ve held a soft blanket. I don’t know why, it just works, perhaps the tactile nature of it is grounding or connecting. Use the Calm app and just follow along in your mind. You just have to listen. The guided meditations are designed to work on even the loudest minds. Eventually, you stop thinking about what you are doing and you’ll just drop in. I’m about to do my 85th meditation since I started - sometimes I’ll do 10 minutes, sometimes 3, sometimes 30, it depends on my mode that day, but they are hands down my favourite minutes of every day. Try Tara Brach’s Relaxed Open-Hearted Presence meditation on Calm -it’s blown me open many times. In a good way.

If meditation isn’t for you just yet, Psychologist Allison Keating says, “ conscious cognitive breaks are so important. It’s been an intense time for so many. [Try] consciously resting your mind, body, brain and heart. Check in with your body where it needs attention and self-care”. She suggests this for moments of overwhelm, “ Take a moment. Gently breathe and connect. Value the moment and you. Place your hand where it feels needed, some find they gravitate to their chest, heart area or throat, and with kindness and compassion mind you for that moment”.

Take Your days off

Your annual leave is your entitlement and lots of people don’t avail of it all. Take it. If you can’ take blocks of time, tack days on to weekends or bank holidays. Schedule them in for the coming months. Then your psyche knows you’re looking after yourself, that free time is coming. As does your calendar. It’s a sweet thing. Don’t feel you have to DO things on your days off either. It’s free time, just for you.

Stop scrolling

Man, this is hard. We are all so completely addicted - no matter our age or stage, if you own a smartphone, it is, in fact in charge of you. Well, it’s not, but try leaving it down for a day - it’s nigh on impossible. And the effect on mental health is profound and pronounced, so control must be rescinded. When we fall foul of it three things happen: 1) we compare ourselves to others, 2) we feel shit about ourselves, and 3) we lose our motivation. You know it, I know it - we are all grown-ups here and don’t need to be told. I am awful at this, but I am trying.

Cut The Crap

Eat something fresh and vegetable’ish. For me, a Caprese salad made with juicy tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella (not so healthy, but whatever) the freshest of fragrant basil leaves and pungent olive oil wakes up my taste buds and gives me joy, resetting my unhealthy drive towards pizza and chocolate and thinking pure thoughts again.

Clean your bedroom

Not so easy when in a funk and all you want to do is sit and wallow, but once you get going it’s transformative. It literally shifts the dead energy. If the funk is deep, at the very least, open the windows wide, change your bedsheets and get a wash on. Lighting a scented candle in a clean room feels luxurious and like such a treat. Then lie down again if you need to, knowing you’ve done something good for you and your space, and you are not, in fact, a slovenly student, you are just a woman in a funk which will pass over soon. Go easy.

Brain fog?

Can’t think? Have a shower. This is a bit I Am Victoria- but she was right- it’s a reset. And we know we all have our best ideas in the shower. Anya Hindmarch says it too in her book When in Doubt Wash Your Hair, which on first view I thought an inane title until I thought about it further. She’s right. It shifts your energy. Try it and see.

Ask for help

A cleaner, a therapist, kids doing chores, partner cooking more dinners, a weekly list of everyone’s jobs on the fridge - it just cuts the mental noise - and the invisible emotional load that all women carry gets lighter when you literally make it visible.

After I had a particular freakout at my kids saying something along the lines of “I am nobody’s servant here” (yep, not proud, but equally, had to be said), I made a list and they were all appalled at the number of invisible jobs I do as mother/manager of this house. So, sometimes, needs must. Just maybe use a little less of the passive aggressiveness perhaps. But still - human moment, right!

But to be real, this life stage can be hard, heavy and busy. A lot of women are burning out, burning down and burning up. Our hormones are falling leaving us flat on the floor. Emotions are both high and low, we are collectively out of balance. Take this time of life seriously. If there is anything to be learned from I Am Victoria and our article last week about female mental health in midlife it is the absolute necessity of taking care of ourselves, and often that requires assistance.

I often say that happiness is an inside job, meaning that we are responsible for our own contentment, and to put that duty on someone else is redundant. I maintain that opinion, but I also know now, especially after a year of running HEYDAY and talking to many members about our lives in midlife, that sometimes we need help too.

If you’re feeling flat, low, or not yourself, go to the doctor to get your hormones checked or find a therapist to talk it through. It’s likely you are perimenopausal. That is not a diagnosis, more a flag. Get on HRT if you need it - it’s basically life-changing. And also, why suffer? Nobody is handing out medals, there’s no honour in pain. After falling into my particular funk this summer, I went back to my menopause doctor and she prescribed me testosterone which will hopefully lift me up again and bring my mojo back to me. There is so much help out there now. As a starting point, you could attend the virtual Menopause Success Summit running in September to learn more about it and see what you think.

feel it all, Acknowledge it all

Funks happen. Acknowledge them, accept them, and at the end of the day know that they pass eventually. But above all else, don’t hide them. You’re worth far more than silence.