The Perimenopause Glitch

*image by Petra Kleis, via Primark Menopause Collection*

6 minute read

Ok, so lots of us here are in perimenopause. I know because many of you have told me so, and it makes sense as this is a site for women in midlife after all. Over the past two years of Heyday I have had messages on Instagram from loads of lovely women about how they are feeling and what they are experiencing during this; ‘The Change’ (to use the old language). I have written in many a DM exchange about the facts and features of HRT, of our emotions, our relationships, our confidence, work lives, parents, kids and all that perimenopause touches - because that’s the thing - it touches everything. But often we think it’s not those things, those elements of our lives that are glitching, we believe it’s us that’s failing when hormones begin to falter.

And that’s really hard to fathom and process when, what I believe is happening is that the entire structure of our life is glitching - like dominoes falling, one thing affects the next - and on and on.

And there’s another element at play now too. In the past few years, the menopause conversation has become louder, clearer and more present in daily life. Brands and media have entered the space, releasing products to cater to menopause and giving a platform populated with ‘meno’ chat, where previously there was tumbleweed, because why? Because people are paying attention in greater numbers. Greater numbers = greater sales. Cynical? Yes. Truthful? Also yes.

Now to me, all this is a distinctly good thing at large. All open conversation and awareness of our experiences of this time of life are essential and that is why we must keep on talking about our points of view in perimenopause. Because the bottom line as far as I can see is that perimenopause, in particular, is super-hard. Perhaps harder emotionally than when in actual menopause as this is the time when everything feels totally topsy turvy and we have to learn about what is happening to us, how to navigate it, how to understand it internally, but most importantly how to express it outwardly. As to have all this change happening deep in our psyche and to feel it is not important enough to bring to the table and address it feels like an absolute denial of our very selves. Standing up and speaking out is what forces change.

And doesn’t that all sound quite spirited and rousing? Using words to invoke a sense of belonging, a tribe, a movement, a feeling of connection and community around shared experience is a lovely thing. It’s helpful and often healing - being seen and heard and all that.

But the glitch comes into play when we need to try to take it out of our heads, away from what we read and into our own lives - into our kitchens and into our workplaces. The challenge is voicing what’s from the realm of feeling - turning words into action. It’s facing our partners and saying, this is not for me anymore. It’s communicating in work about too much pressure being placed on us, it’s setting boundaries with family around what is reasonable and not - about saying that shit doesn’t belong to me anymore - it’s yours to carry, not mine.

And doesn’t all that feel so hard? That level of honesty?

As far as I can see so far, perimenopause, which I have officially been in for the past two years, seems to be about standing up for ourselves and telling the truth about how we want our own lives to be after years of possibly serving and supporting others, be it kids, partners, parents and employers.

The point of perimenopause is transformation and truth. And it is a change - perhaps ‘The Change’ is appropriate language after all, as it feels to me like another moment of release - the chrysalis/butterfly analogy is too cheesy for us modern realists now, but it feels as though it’s kind of right!

The glitch of perimenopause is that it is a magnificent rollercoaster - messy and magical in equal measure and we swing between the two as our hormones dip and dive placing us at the mercy of it all. I know, for me, despite being on full HRT and speaking weekly to a therapist, I lurch and list from happiness to awful sadness via apathy, despair, confusion and resignation - and that’s just any regular day! I know too, that whilst my life has logistical complications - solo parenting, sick parents, working two jobs etc, I am not alone in those - we all have pressure in perimenopause. The challenge is how to re-centre ourselves in our lives at this time - how to try to not become subsumed and disappear.

And the many physical glitches are intense, reaching far beyond the now almost cliché ‘hot flush’ - which has been long picked out as the key symptom experienced by menopausal women - when it’s not at all, it’s just easier to see and therefore talk about. And sell to.

For all the extra awareness and brand campaigns such as Primark’s latest video, which, while lovely to see, is just that - lovely to see - do they really help us talk about what we’re feeling in terms of losses of confidence and libido, feeling disconnected and disassociated from our lives and tribes? Maybe they do, it’s just a question - what do you think?

I know that for me, in recent years my confidence has taken a nose dive to depths not known before. But conversely, I also know that on the flip side of that I am able to hold myself with presence in the new job I am working in - in a brand new corporate environment run by many men - and take up some space. I can do that because I am experienced. Not because I am feeling empowered necessarily, yet. I hope to get there. Meanwhile, I’ll keep on pretending with the ability that my experience allows me.

In recent years, some friends of mine have embarked on anti-depressants for mood-related problems in perimenopause, for dips in mental and emotional energy, and I wonder if that particular medical intervention acts as a dampener for their emotions, when what might serve them better is to try HRT, to provide better hormonal balance and avoid such potent fluctuations, or other non-medical approaches such as talking therapy to try and find a way back to the selves they feel separated from, or towards the newer version of the self they yearn for, wordlessly.

The magnificent mess of perimenopause is about tapping into the truth and transformation, to amplify and voice it, not quiet or disable it. But that’s my query and opinion and it doesn’t have to be theirs, or yours. This is a private, personal journey for many women. Because I choose to talk about it doesn’t mean everyone should.

If anything at all is to be truly changed and achieved, it’s that this stage, this glitch, is used for the best for each individual - that each of us finds our way through it as we need to. Supported and empowered - vocally and stridently, or silently and stoically - as you wish.

That’s the thing - perimenopause can be exhausting, debilitating, confusing and challenging -it is the test of our age - the phase, where, we as women are called to pay attention to ourselves for once and for all - it is a life review that leads anecdotally to an upgrade. It’s just messy, mad, head and heart-melting along the way as we face the fact we are ageing, the finality of fertility, the ending of relationships and the inevitable loss of loved ones who held and guided us.

Perimenopause seems to me to be about living in a temporary glitch phase as we let go of bullshit and limiting beliefs; figuring out how to say what we stand for - shedding parts of life we felt were evergreen - and learning to love autumn more than spring.

The Perimenopause Glitch

6 minute read

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