To Thine Own Self Be True

7 minute read

Boundaries are signifiers, ways of indicating what is allowed, where, and with whom. Even if you’ve never formally listed them, you probably have some sense of the boundaries you would like others to observe so that you feel comfortable and respected. A boundary is a cue to others about how you want to be treated. But what about how you treat yourself?

Boundaries delineate the permissible: this, not that; here, not there; now, not then. They tell us about what we find valuable, what we want to protect and cultivate. For some of us thinking of ourselves as valuable and worth treating with love and care hasn’t come easily. Maybe we’ve been really good at fronting and giving the impression that we value ourselves, but our inner dialogue is appalling. I know mine used to be.

I used to have terrible boundaries with my inner saboteur. I functioned well and was confident in many areas but there was a pernicious voice inside that regularly ran riot with my sense of self. Despite several years of counseling, it was only when I began to dive deep into yoga practice that I made headway. Master teacher Ana Forrest, with whom I took my first two teacher trainings, was pivotal. She often talked about the tyranny of the inner critic and the importance of disempowering that voice; the voice that acts as saboteur and can be difficult to quiet.

The voice is persistent and wants to be heard. But you know what? It can be overridden and robbed of its authority. You can learn to switch stations and listen to another channel. One that engenders positive self-regard and has a resonance that feels good in your body. You get to choose which thoughts you empower and which you ignore and in-so-doing you have more dominion over your experience.

You might wonder why yoga practice helps disempower the inner critic…I believe it’s because in practicing yoga, you learn to become more virtuosic in where you place your attention. You learn that what you focus on becomes magnified, so it’s important to focus on things that help your long-term thriving. (I’m in no way advocating spiritual by-pass here or ignoring the suffering of others. I’m making a point about mental agility and how it can empower your life.) When doing a physical yoga practice, you focus on your breath, which calms the nervous system and acts as an anchor for the mind.

The wayward mind is often compared to a naughty monkey, flitting from place to place, but in fact, doing that is exactly the mind’s job. The yoga is realizing that you are not your mind and you can choose where you place your attention. Doing a physical yoga practice doesn’t mean that your mind stops wandering, twenty years in mine is still all over the place, but it does give you lots of opportunities to harness your awareness and place it on something that feels good. This brings us back to boundaries!

When you stop allowing your inner tyrant to run the show and push back, you say no to demons like low self-esteem, lack of confidence, guilt, and fear that love to lurk in the shadows and wreak havoc. But it’s important not to push these demons further into the shadows, better to befriend them and let them know that they’re not in control. This work of alchemizing wounds is freeing and empowering, the heroine’s journey of integration.

If you practice yoga consistently over time, changes will accrue. Your quality of attention improves and gets more subtle. You become more attuned to your body, to sensations and feelings, maybe even better at observing the whole drama going on in your mind and realising that you don’t have to follow every thought to its conclusion. When it’s helpful to do so you can choose to move to another thought, focus on another sensation try and find something that feels good in your experience. This is being virtuosic in where you place your attention, having better boundaries with yourself.

Boundaries are about what’s acceptable, where, and when. When I’m around people whose boundaries are clear, I feel at ease because there’s no leaky energy. We’ve all had experiences of being around someone who just doesn’t have great personal boundaries and whose energy is kind of all over the place. I’ve found this particularly with women who ooze sexuality. Or maybe better said, who use their sexual energy manipulatively. It’s as if they can’t contain their sexual vibes no matter the circumstance.

Caveat: I am completely unqualified to make the following observation, which is entirely anecdotal: most, if not all, of the women I know who behave this way had their own boundaries significantly violated as a child, usually sexually. And this isn’t surprising, if your boundaries are grossly violated while your personality is still forming, how can you be expected to have a clear sense of limits and how to know what’s appropriate and what’s not?

I did not experience physical or sexual abuse as a child, thankfully, and I think I’ve always had a good sense of what’s appropriate when giving off sexual vibes. However, when I began seriously practicing yoga I became much more conscious of the potency of sexual energy. As I became more connected to myself, my perception became more subtle.

I became much more conscious of nuances in my physical being but also in my energy, my vibe. I started to understand more deeply that my energetic field could really affect others and that giving off sexual vibes to the wrong person at the wrong time could create awkward situations and unwelcome consequences (at other times it could create very welcome consequences!). It’s not that giving sexy vibes is always wrong, but it can be manipulative and inappropriate. Knowing the distinction is good yoga. This, not that; here, not there; now, not then. Boundaries 101.

Irish psychologist Maureen Gaffney says that where you put your attention determines the quality of your life. If you want to flourish, you need to place your attention on things that make you feel good and enhance your well-being. Yoga can help you do this. One way is that you can learn to make connections between inputs and outputs. If you show up and do your practice regularly, your life will get better. Maybe not easier, but definitely better. Because your quality of attention will improve, your ability to notice. Not just what’s going on in your own system but what’s going on around you. You will notice that if you don’t get enough sleep and don’t eat well, it’ll be hard to do your practice because frankly, you’ll feel like shit. You’ll start to figure out that, while a few drinks are grand, practicing while hungover is really no fun. You’ll notice that if you speak harshly to yourself all the time, you won’t feel great. You’ll notice that when you’re kinder to yourself, more loving, your life will go better.

Most of us want to evolve, to flourish and live fulsome lives, but that can be challenging when the past is an albatross. At some point, the payoff for beating yourself up about the past, about shortcomings and mistakes, just isn’t worth it. Every action has a reaction and if you constantly criticize yourself about your failures, paralysis can set in and change is difficult. Maybe fear of change stops us from moving on and embracing freedom and the vulnerability of being an imperfect human. But as Anais Nin said “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

I’m not saying that you have to practice yoga to thrive and grow your capacity for self-love, I’m just sharing what I’ve learned along the way. It can be hard to do this inner work, to show up for your practice and your wellbeing; it takes discipline and follow through.

And having boundaries with your own self can be tricky. I mean if you resolve to go for a run three times a week and don’t do it, you might feel vaguely bad about yourself on some level but there’s not going to be a penalty. Unless you decide that keeping the promises you make to yourself is even more important than keeping promises you make to others. This is how you build your trust muscle. You do what you say you’ll do when you say you’ll do it, so you trust yourself. This is good yoga, a solid foundation for a life well-lived.

Dearbhla Kelly, July 2021