Hot No More

6 minute read

In an article published by Harvard Health Publishing in 2017, Dr Marjorie Green, clinical instructor in gynaecology at the Harvard Medical School, explained: “Nature didn’t intend for us to be sexually active after menopause, so we have to work at it and be creative.” For many women, who juggle jobs, kids, parents and partners, when sex ends up just another task on their to-do list, another problem they must find a solution for, they simply don’t have the emotional or physical wherewithal to devote to it. But as American theologian and feminist Judith Plaskow pointed out, “...sexuality is one dimension of our ability to live passionately...in cutting off our sexual feelings we diminish our overall power to feel, know and value deeply.”

According to Dr Caoimhe Hartley, founder of the Menopause Health clinic in Dalkey in Dublin, “women are two to three times more likely to experience a reduction in their sex drive as they age.” This lull in libido is referred to as ‘hypoactive sexual desire disorder’ and is caused in part by a reduction in the production of oestrogen. There are more oestrogen receptors in a woman’s genitals than anywhere else in her body, and the loss of these hormones has a significant impact: vaginal tissues shrink and become less elastic, natural lubrication dries up, and restrictions to blood flow can dull desire also. Alongside these hormonal changes are the practical passion killers of midlife exhaustion, lack of sexual confidence as our bodies soften and loosen, and the pressure of midlife responsibilities, giving rise to a perfect storm that can leave women feeling either dissatisfied with sex, in pain from it or avoiding it entirely.

Dr Hartley confirms that this is a common problem, and believes it’s important that women understand just how common it is. In a 2017 interview with The Irish Times, Dr Shirley McQuaid, medical director of the Dublin Well Woman Centre, revealed: “Many women come in...thinking it’s all over, but in fact, nearly all issues can be addressed. You just need to realise that your, and your partner's body changes.” Holistic sex educator and Tantra yoga teacher, Jenny Keane, who describes herself as on a mission to ignite a sexual revolution in Ireland, agrees and explains that because a woman’s body responds differently – sexually – during and after menopause than it did before, each of us needs to learn a new way of engaging with our bodies. “What your body requires is your attention, energy and focus,” she explains.

When there are 101 other things demanding your attention, energy and focus, a lot of women feel guilty about prioritising their sex lives, considering it an indulgence or a luxury. This comes in part from growing up in a culture that portrayed sexual desire in and of itself as sinful. As Keane describes it, “Very few of us had the privilege of learning about our bodies from a pleasure-focused, discovery-orientated perspective rather than a risk-focused, abstinence-orientated point of view. Keane also notes that we don’t have a history of valuing age in this country either. “We receive information that beauty has an expiry date and our sex lives have a shelf life.” It’s true, what’s projected onto us, we absorb, at least to some degree, and so re-energising our sex lives requires a truly holistic approach, as women need to overcome not just the physical barriers to good sex that menopause can present, but the psychological ones too.

This is because the brain, it is said, is a woman’s most important sex organ. Healthywomen.org explains: “Sexual response for women is a complicated mind-body reaction, which is why it’s so hard for many women to ‘get in the mood’ if they’re distracted by long to-do lists, exhaustion from being up all night with children or issues at work.” In the first Sex and The City movie, Miranda Hobbs embodied the overwhelmed midlifer; she tried so hard to be an engaged, involved mother; a high-powered, uncompromising lawyer; and a sexually responsive lover to her husband. The pressure of it led to her catastrophic outcry of “Let’s just get it over with!” one night while making love with husband Steve. She may have been physically present, but her mind was worlds away.

It’s not surprising then that the Harvard article mentioned above cites a US national survey, which found that fewer than half of women aged 57 to 73 said they were sexually active, and those who were, had sex less than twice a month, on average. While the stats are damning, the good news is, Keane reveals, that it is actually easier to work with your libido after menopause. Keane explains: “Instead of having the hormonal fluctuations that characterise your cycle, post-menopause you have one consistent cocktail of oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone.” She continues, “At this stage of your sexual life, it’s not about ‘finishing’ but learning to maximise pleasure sensations of all kinds.” She advises “lots of touching, massage and non-penetrative playtime…[so that] intimacy becomes a super-sensory erotic encounter.”

Dr McQuaid agrees that couples should think about changing the way they have sex. “I meet women who have only ever used one position, and now that that proves painful, they are at a loss. It’s useful to experiment and change,” she advises. But to get to this point, women need to take some of the pressure off themselves; they need to create a space in which they can tend to their own sexual needs. McQuaid adds, “It is really important to take the time for yourself...to take stock and to adjust to the changes that are happening.” Only then will women have the headspace to recognise all of the aspects of midlife that can positively influence their sex lives during and after menopause: like self-awareness, resilience, determination, optimism, and a who-cares attitude.

Psychologist and author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence Esther Perel once said: “Sex changes – the expression of it, the energy of it, the rhythm of it, the acrobatics of it. But that doesn’t mean the level of satisfaction has to decline. Sex can be just as satisfying, maybe even more satisfying, as we grow older.” I can’t think of a better note to finish on.

Marie Kelly, July 2021