Spinning Plates

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8 minute read

1. Sleep becomes a key conversation

Far before midlife, I was often the subject of jokes amongst my friends about my obsession with getting enough sleep. After a night out, on waking, I would count up how many hours of sleep I got and that would, in some way, inform how I thought I would feel that day. If we were out until 4 am in some drink-drenched neon dive (as we liked to call them) and I woke at 7 for work, I would think, ‘ok, 3 hours; I can do that’. Now, of course, things are different; and a night past 1 am is not only rare but far more damaging for daytime functionality. Hangovers from three Saturday night Margaritas take until Thursday to resolve, and have me truly wondering as to the worth of alcohol. Until the following Saturday, of course, when it all seems like a wonderful idea again. But when it comes to sleep now at age 46, I know what I need and am not in fear of being laughed at for my sleep scheduling. The bottom line is this; if we get less than 7 hours sleep per night, and if it’s broken or too light, our bodies do not get into the required restorative state we need it to get to in order to feel ok. And by ‘ok’, I do not mean to just feel ‘not tired’, I mean to feel positive and capable about life in general.

I read in Anya Hindmarch’s book recently where she attended a lecture on Circadian Neuroscience at Oxford University that said that if people are sleep-deprived they are only capable of laying down negative memories in their long-term memory. And that makes such sense to me. If I lose sleep for any of the standard midlife reasons (too hot, too worried, snoring partner), I can’t focus or prioritise and I struggle to feel positive the next day. My mood sinks and then, like dominoes falling, everything is a shitshow. So sleep is the key to a good life - I mean it! The younger, partying version of me was on to something. Also, I take Magnesium every night now and it’s been a game-changer. As are naps. Prioritising good sleep is one of the very best things you can do for yourself. End of story.

2. The power of pottering

I think this has become my new hobby. I can (and do) spend hours pottering about at home. It may be as a result of the pandemic and becoming somewhat of a hermit as a result, or it’s just how life has changed as I’ve grown older, but I am quite content to wander around sorting things, moving things and looking at things, such as books I haven’t read in years. Bear in mind that pottering isn’t cleaning. It’s not housework related at all, although it may, from time to time take influence from cleaning. No, it’s more like meandering about from room to room, or in and out of the garden as I think about things - and this is what the key is - it’s a time to muse - it is headspace. Pottering is the physical manifestation of thinking. I may be throwing out old flowers and arranging new ones in a vase, or moving things about on a shelf to possibly look a bit nicer (and then putting them back the way they were). It’s more decor than domestic, it’s aesthetic over effort. It may involve deciding to apply a face mask that then, in turn, becomes clearing out the bathroom drawer and finding makeup you thought you’d lost and then applying that, resulting in the rest of the potter being pursued with red lipstick on. It’s not a task or job you have to do, it’s a flight of fancy. In your own home. It’s blank brain space and utterly essential.

3. The M Word

Menopause. If it’s not here for you now, it’s coming soon. We’re basically all in perimenopause. If you’re feeling tiredness, anxiety, low mood, vaginal dryness, low libido and low enthusiasm, you’re probably in early or actual menopause. There are 34 symptoms, you need to know them, We talk about it a lot here on Heyday, it’s one of our reasons for being. There’s a history of silence on the subject and doctors have been notoriously unsupportive (or uninformed) resulting in many women being put on antidepressants when they should have been put on HRT. Or, of course, figuring out how to treat their symptoms in other holistic ways that suit them - whatever their choice might be - but the point is, knowledge is power. Menopause needs to be as widely known about and understood as that other major life stage - puberty. It happens to half of humanity. Open the conversation and inhabit the skin you’re in. For me, starting HRT last October has been life-changing and mood-lifting. I think what made me feel much better too, though, was knowing what was happening and why. Get informed as there’s no hiding from this one.

4. You like what you like

The time comes when you can, at last, be honest about that which you like and that which you don’t. This includes people, places, food, TV shows, occasions, clothes and music. Your taste is an instinct to bring you joy. It’s not for anybody else. They like what they like, and you like what you like. Of course, for the people-pleasers among us, this can be challenging. The urge to acquiesce is strong, but the days of liking what other people liked to try to fit in are gone. It’s a vital stage of teen years when the tribe is all, but now, who cares if your preferred radio station is Classic Hits rather than something playing all new releases. Or if having a nap is impossibly appealing, there’s no need to be cool. Nobody is judging you, nobody has time.

5. You own what you hate

I hate the gym. I’ve tried multiple times to like it, I see its benefits, but I just don’t like it. So I will never sign up for a membership again. I also hate rudeness, bullying, injustice and being made to feel small. So I will call out those behaviours if I encounter them and I will stand for myself and others. I don’t imagine I’ll change the world with one persons’ activism but I will be clear in what I will and won’t accept. To this end I have written stern letters to ministers and hospitals, I have attended lawyers offices and mediation sessions, and in arguments, I have said that I respectfully disagree and do not accept certain points of view as my own. Of course, being human, these things are often heated and hard to navigate, I doubt I have done any of these things in an ideal way, but that’s just the thing: nothing is ideal. Knowing your non-negotiables is the main thing. Suffer no fools, learn to say no (a lot) and just do your best.

6. Accepting Yourself

Because look, we know ourselves now, it’s just too hard to try to be anything different at this stage, nobody has the energy.

7. You meet anxiety - often for the first time

Yes, in midlife it feels like life gets harder. I think we were sold a sick puppy when we thought that once we got our kids to a certain age (at least to when they could make their own meals) and our careers were established, that things would be settled and relaxing. Well, it’s not.
We’re all dealing with a million things and some of them are consequences not of our making, which makes it doubly hard. We’re dealing with the big stuff now. There are separations, awful divorces, blended families, the deaths of dear friends who were too young to die, redundancies, business failures, our kids’ mental health, our own mental health, a housing crisis, a care crisis, a Goddamn pandemic!

And so, no wonder we worry.

Anxiety hit me for the very first time two years ago after I was made redundant from a big role I had taken eight months prior. I had given up my freelance career to go in-house and then, after struggling to feel I was making an impact initially, the company was sold and I was let go. I had previously weathered all kinds of life storms; a single parent of two girls, a mum with cancer, no home of our own and working full-time to keep all the balls in the air - I was accustomed to stress. Resilience was my middle name. But for some reason, this redundancy was my downfall. Inevitable, perhaps, but the house of cards did indeed fall.

It took months for me to feel well, to feel confident again. I doggedly focused on creating Heyday and here we are now, but my God there were dark days. But yes, isn’t that life? No one is immune. Life is hard for us all, it’s about finding the torch to light the ladder back up.

I read more and more about how anxiety visits itself on midlife women. The suicide numbers in women from 45-55 are staggering. Did you know that’s the age range where women feel the most lost? The most lonely?

Self-love and self-care are the keys to the future. Our moods are like the weather - they pass over eventually. No feeling is final and there is an abundance of help out there be it therapists, books, podcasts or friends. Utilise them all, your mental health is your wealth.

(just don’t forget about hormones - they may be the cause of the dooms - talk to your doctor for some perspective)

8. You Know your own energy levels and prioritise them

Nobody cares if you don’t go to the party. The end.

9. you are Pro-ageing

Because why wouldn’t you be? We are all ageing, and frankly, it looks weird if you try to look like you’re not. I have called time on the anti-ageing narrative around beauty especially, and we don’t preach it here on Heyday. Pro-ageing is beautiful. It is an attitude to life. It is a different thing to what beauty treatments or products you choose to use - they are your choice and are there to make you feel and look good in your skin. Makeup too is an expression, it is playful and fun, designed to make you feel good. The moment it crosses over into artifice or trying to be something you’re not is the moment insecurity is given free rein. We’re older and wiser now, let’s look as we look. Let’s walk the walk. Let’s be wise old crones As adorned as we like, but not artificial.

10. Spinning Plates

Over 40, life gets busier. This is par for the course, and you know what? We are bloody brilliant at it. Men’s brains cannot assume as much as ours. They don’t function the same way. You know the way we know where everyone is and what they need at any given time, what appointments you/they have to keep, what’s happening with holidays, schools, dentists, bins, bills and a teenager’s first boyfriend all at the same time? As well as running our houses and careers, caring for ageing parents, checking in with friends, cooking, cleaning and buying Christmas presents? Yes, well that’s because we can. Our brains can hold it. It may frazzle us and make us angry more often than we admit, and frequently our feminist self may rail against the ingrained, inherited domesticity of it all, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, we know we’re good at it. We are women - we guide, we nurture, we coach, we lead, we teach. We learn from each other in a way men don’t. We are less led by ego, far more by care. We garner wisdom from our elders that we pass to our kids. As long as we don’t allow ourselves to become subsumed by outdated notions of ‘duty’, or that other curse: perfectionism (honestly, that can get in the sea) and we can, instead, revel in the glorious madness of it all, then all is well.

For me, as a single mum for 7 years, now a part of a blended family with new people, new priorities and a whole new level of logistics, the many (many) spinning plates drop ALL THE TIME, but there is a phrase that resonated with me a few years ago that I remind myself of frequently - let what is coming come, let what is going go. I find that liberating. Just to let things be as they are. Plates break, hearts break, but women are like glue. You are the glue. Don’t be afraid, spin freely, life is unfolding as it should. You can handle it all.