11 minute read time

Despite Yvonne Tiernan and I never having actually met, our paths have still crossed. Years ago, when I was at IMAGE Magazine, we tried to collaborate on a project but it never came to fruition. Since then we have followed one another on social and been constant commenters and likers on the outpourings we each choose to share on varying platforms. I loved the TV show she did called The Couch, where she sat with a diverse mix of women and spoke to them about their lives - much like this feature - which is why I wanted her to answer these particular 40+ questions about her life being 40+. We managed to collaborate at last! All good things come to those who wait - a new metaphor for midlife too, perhaps?

Which three adjectives describe you best?

I asked my daughter as it felt a little self-indulgent. She said that “I put others first, I’m determined & funny”. Aw, I love her. I must buy her something!

How old are you?

49

What is on your mind most these days?

My therapy clients, how my kids are doing, my college assignments, what am I going to make for dinner, when will we all be vaccinated…

What is the last thing that you said no to?

My dog trying to push my laptop out of the way with his nose to get my attention.

What is the last thing you said yes to?

Continuing my studies in September beyond my degree.

What made you decide to do what you are now doing in your life?

Finally, having the balls to take on a degree and train to be a psychotherapist even though my imposter syndrome voice was loud and clear. I eased into it with a diploma in NUIG first and then jumped. Now here I am about to open my own practice. The imposter syndrome voice is still there but it’s more of a whisper now.

How many things have you been in your life so far?

Always a singer and a manager in some shape but lounge-girl, nite-club hostess in The Pink Elephant and Reynards, Receptionist at The Factory Studios, Singer with The Commitments and Abbaesque then touring with The Chieftains both as a singer and Management. My own company MCMA, doing A&R for BMG, Head of Solid Records, Managing my husband Tommy Tiernan and opening Mabinog Ltd to produce his DVDs while having our 3 kids. A Diploma at NUIG in The Psychology of Counselling, a BA Degree in Holistic Counselling & Psychotherapy with ICPPD, Singing with The Raines, Exec Producer of “The Tommy & Hector Podcast with Laurita Blewitt”, Clinical Placement as a therapist at “Let’s Get Talking Galway”. Sorry you asked now?

Where do you come into your family, and did this have any influence on you?

I’m the baby, also the tallest so I was both spoilt and terrorised by my two older sisters in equal measures.

What is the best, and worst piece of advice you have received in your life so far?

The best was from Paddy Moloney: `In showbiz, never take no for an answer,’ the worst was to wear black eyeliner with no mascara - I’m a redhead so you can imagine how that worked out.

What does midlife feel like to you?

A relief, peaceful, exciting, wobbly, achy and a gift.

Has there been a place, event, or experience that has transformed your ideas and given you a new perspective?

Our cottage on Inis Oirr has changed my perspective on what I need to be happy. I have always been busy and filled my life and home with activity and beautiful things. But, on an island, there are only three questions to ask every day: Will I go for a walk? What will I eat? And do I have wood for the fire?

And what changed after that?

My belief that I didn’t have enough within myself to be interested, engaged and intrigued by nothing more than my own company.

Is there a milestone you are working towards in your personal or professional life at the moment?

In my professional life, it’s to qualify as a Psychotherapist and Counsellor in a few months. In my personal life, it’s to practise the self-care that I encourage so wholeheartedly in my clients.

How do you think the world of work can improve for women?

Oh, Lord. To have an awareness that even though we CAN do it all, we often pay a very high price in our mental, emotional and physical health so cut us some slack.

What do you spend too much time doing?

Scrolling, doing housework, thinking about all the things I should be doing while watching Married at First Sight and buying books about therapy case studies.

And what do you spend too little doing?

Exercising, stretching my poor back and neck and properly resting.

How do you care for your own wellbeing?

As a trainee psychotherapist I go through tons of hours of personal therapy, walking the dogs on the bog road, gratitude is huge for me especially when things aren’t easy, kissing my husband, looking at my kids when they aren’t watching and enjoying good food and red wine.

What do you feel free of now that you are at this life stage?

I now have a sense of only being responsible for myself and my own behaviour. I am free of feeling responsible for everyone and everything I care about. I am responsible TO my children as a good mother, TO my husband as a good wife, TO my family as a sister and daughter and TO my friends and clients but I am not responsible FOR them and for their behaviour - and that’s a big realisation.

What gives you the most stress at this life stage?

Wearing too many hats! Mother, wife, podcast producer, therapist, student, singer, company director, animal minder, cook, housekeeper, you know how the list goes….

Do you sleep well?

I go to sleep too late and am always tired in the morning as a result (see must do more self-care above). Now that my kids are getting older and staying up later I find I need that extra stretch when everyone is in bed to relax.

What advice would you offer to yourself in your 20’s, 30’s and 40’s?

Stop thinking you aren’t good enough and that in order to be valued and loved you always have to be doing stuff for others. You are not only enough, you are extra.

Did you ever feel lost in your life path? How did you find your way again?

When I stopped managing Tommy’s work full time I felt lost as I have worked in the entertainment business for 30 years and thought I was finished in showbiz. So, I created The Couch and shot an interview series for the RTE player which didn’t get commissioned. I then followed my gut and started studying counselling and psychotherapy and very quickly realised that it was the right thing for me at the right time and I haven’t looked back since.

thecouch.ie is now a place for everything I love online. My worries about showbiz were unfounded too as I’m back working with Tommy on the podcasts and the band I sing with The Raines just had a big hit with our debut single Bare Feet on the Grass.

What do you love about yourself?

How I can get anything done no matter how impossible it seems to be and get a great rush out of it. I love making things happen, bringing people together and with the kids, I’m always up for adventures.

When do you feel truly alive?

In the moments I am privileged to share with a client in their process. On the beach in Inis Oirr with my family in the sunshine eating crab claws and ice cream. On stage with The Raines.

What do you consider your biggest achievement?

Creating 3 human beings out of my squishy lovely belly and all of the hard work and training in my career in the last few years. I feel like I am just starting to become the person I’ve always wanted to be.

What was a major turning point in your life?

Choosing to train as a psychotherapist and everything that comes with that. Someone once described it as, “being taken apart to be put back together again”.

What are you looking forward to in the coming months? Freedom hopefully, qualifying as a therapist and opening my practice, going out to our cottage on Inis Oirr, discovering new wonderous things about the human condition, hugging my friends, my Mammy and my two sisters.

Are you a good friend?

I am yes. I wasn’t always a great friend over the years as I was inclined to get caught up in my own stuff at times but that change has come through a lot of hard work and personal therapy.

What in life is beautiful to you?

The animals I surround myself with and their unconditional love. Our enormous Bernese Mountain dog puppy Archie, labradoodle Teddy, our cat Moo and my horse George. I am constantly amazed that I get to call our three kids mine as my hearts burst with love and pride over them.

Where do you find inspiration?

In my three children Isobel (13) Louis (12) and Theo (8). I am driven to do better and try harder at figuring out my own shit in order to pass less of it onto them. I want them to know that they mean more to me than being right so I tell them when I get it wrong and apologise. They mean I have to take apart how I am made up and how I behave in order to protect them from the generations of pain that all of us parents carry unconsciously. I am also constantly inspired by the work that Tommy does and the professional choices he makes.

Any regrets?

Oh yeah, all of the crap food I have put into this body that does it’s very best to take care of me. As I am very emotional and empathetic I carry every hurt I have ever caused another human being still with me somewhere in my body. I’m sorry for all and any pain I caused another at any time but that’s what we humans do, unfortunately, we often hurt each other. As Oprah says when you know better you do better so I’ll go with that.

Knowing what you know now, what is most important in life?

Take responsibility for your own shit and go to therapy.

What makes you feel at home?

An open fire, books, wood, candles, blankets, red wine and my fella.

Favourite book, and why?

Maybe you Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb.

Current book you are reading?

I am always reading Love’s Executioner by Irvin Yalom.

Favourite piece of music, and why?

Lost on You by LP – it breaks my heart every time I hear it or I sing it.

Last time you cried (tears of joy count!)

I cry sometimes after seeing clients at the weight of the responsibility the work carries and also for the moments of repair I see happening before me. Sometimes I cry because I’m just wrecked. I cry at some of the powerfully moving moments in Tommy’s chat show interviews and I cry laughing every Thursday at The Tommy & Hector Podcast with Laurita Blewitt.

How do you draw on your own inner strength?

The same way every woman does I reckon, we just get on with it.

How do you draw on your creativity and productivity in times of stress?

I sing with the band and it frees something in me. I get to let out my pain and sadness and love and hurt. In the kitchen, I sing along to my favourite band I Draw Slow and I dance to my old Showaddywaddy albums.

Has life throughout the pandemic changed anything major for you, or made you reassess your direction at all?

No, I’m used to being at home with the kids. Having Tommy home all of the time has been so wonderful for us, especially the kids as they have grown up with him away on tour 4 days a week. I hope we don’t have to go back to that every week.

Do you treat yourself well?

Baths, self-tan, Skinceuticals skincare, Hydrafacials in the Kelly Clinic and Tomassi red wine.

What have you learnt from being a parent?

That you can’t get away with anything as the kids will call you out on it. They are like big mirrors, showing us ourselves in a way we’ve never experienced, the good and the bad bits so we can sort it out. Also that my patience and love seem endless.

What have you learnt from being in a marriage/partnership?

That it’s what I want. I thrive in this great love and respect there is between us and he still makes me weak at the knees with a kiss. Because it’s so important to me to have a healthy relationship in our home, it was another reason for me to take responsibility for myself and go to therapy.

What is your greatest learning of midlife?

That my body is just fantastic as it is. My mind is capable of things I never imagined academically and my heart seems to multiply the love I have for those closest to me so, it will all be grand. I got this.

Yvonne Tiernan in conversation with Ellie Balfe, February 2021

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In Her Heyday: Yvonne Tiernan