What I’ll Tell My Daughter

4 minute read

At this time of year, there are always lovely lists of things that you should tell or teach your daughter as she grows up. As nice as they are, I often feel that they’re lacking something. Maybe it’s the practical woman in me, maybe I’ve seen too much in my 43 years but here are the things I’m going to tell my daughters.

Learn how to parallel park. Sure, it’s a tricky skill to pick up but once you can do it, nothing will make you feel like more of a superhero than squeezing your car into an almost impossibly tight spot. I especially love doing this when a ‘helpful’ man is close by.
Get to grips with a sealant gun. There are some DIY jobs that look incredibly difficult but aren’t. Don’t pay someone to reseal your mouldy kitchen sink. Watch a few YouTube videos, go to Woodies for the right equipment and get started. But do buy clear sealant so it doesn’t matter if you balls it up the first time!
Get a great brownie recipe. There will be times when you need some cake. If you can bake your own, you’ll both distract yourself for 30 minutes and have something really tasty to shove in your gob when you need it most. I always made Nigella’s emergency brownies for you. They only make a couple, there’s no creaming of butter and sugar and you can add extra chocolate chips. If you’re wondering why there seemed to be more when I made them, it’s because I always doubled the recipe.
Teach yourself how to build flatpack furniture. Because you really need to read the instructions, women are actually far better at putting together an IKEA order than men. You’ll probably need help with a wardrobe but anything waist high and under can be done solo. When I’m long gone, I hope you remember that your home was full of love and furniture that mum made.
4(a). Learn how to use a drill. It makes the tightening of screws so much easier and isn’t as intimidating as you think it is.
Get good with money. Have a savings account that you feed with a standing order every time you get paid. Women squirrelling away funds used to be called running away money, I call it the ‘independence account’. Once you’ve gotten into that habit the next thing you should do is set up a pension. By the time your generation retires there may be no social welfare pension at all so it’s important to plan for the future. I’d love it if you could stop working before 80.
Learn how to cook. I believe cooking lessons should be mandatory in school for everyone but I’m going to teach you two the basics. If you know how to make bread, a simple but tasty pasta sauce, a good soup and some delicious eggs you’ll be able to feed yourself for life. I’ve gotten through a global pandemic and a snowstorm Scandinavian people would call a flurry but was deemed a national emergency here with just some flour, dried yeast, a large bag of penne and six cans of tomatoes.
Learn how to complain effectively. You don’t need to give out about every little thing but when something warrants a complaint, do it calmly, with grace and conviction. Express the problem, ask how you both can reach a solution and wait silently for a reply. The silence at the end is key, it throws people off and you’ll often end up with a better result than you expect.
Find tradespeople you can rely on. If you can rewire a house by yourself or change tires that’s brilliant, but if you can’t you don’t need to learn every useful skill in the book. What you should do is gather a group of qualified tradespeople you can count on. Get recommendations, try people out and find the ones that are honest, helpful and won’t rip you off. Building relationships with great mechanics, electricians and plumbers is one of the best things you can do in life.
Say no. This is one of the most caring things you can learn to do for yourself. We’re all so guilty of saying yes to things we don’t want to do or have no time for or just don’t sound like fun. Even when we do manage to say no, we usually do it with a million excuses and qualifications. Learn how to say no, firmly, politely and with a smile. Yes, I know, I’m still working on this one.
Travel, travel, travel. Clothes, shoes and a nice car are great but the best thing you can spend any extra money you happen to have is on travel. It doesn’t matter who you go with or if you go alone. It’s an education, an escape, a way to broaden your mind and your palette. Eat pizza in Naples, stay up all night dancing in Lisbon, buy a fresh baguette in Paris, get shouted at in New York, go whale watching in Canada and lie on stunning beaches anywhere you find them. Whether you live abroad for a year or book a long weekend every few months just make sure that you get out of your cosy little nook every so often and experience life in other places. Do it before the mortgage and children so that when things are a little harder you have photos and memories to get you through the exhausted years.
Mind yourself. Sadly, the world isn’t always the safest place for women and though I’d hope things have changed by the time you’re reading this, I would ask you to do a few things. If you see a woman in trouble, or anyone in trouble; help if it’s safe to do so, or call the guards if it isn’t. Speak up when you hear sexism or misogyny. Talk to the men in your life about what they can do to make this a safer world for their female friends. Programme the Emergency SOS function on your phone. But know this, if something happens, it wasn’t the length of your skirt, it wasn’t your attitude, it wasn’t agreeing to sleep with him, it wasn’t walking home. It was his fault. You are the victim, not the reason.
Finally, ask for help. Whatever it is, whatever you need, remember to ask for it. It might be a cleaner to make your life easier, it might be a counsellor to help you talk things through, it might be a friend when you’re really lonely. Don’t try to manage the unmanageable, don’t be a martyr. The hardest bit is asking, things are always much easier after you do.