The End of the Midlife Crisis

image via and.bloom — *image via* *and.bloom*

Did you know that women and two species of whales are the only creatures to experience menopause? Far from losing position once their childbearing years are over, female killer whales actually become key leaders in their pods only after they age out of fertility, according to research published by Current Biology in 2015. While they stop reproducing in their 30s and 40s, these majestic mammals can survive well into their 90s. For them, age is an advantage, and the ecological experience they’ve gained over the course of their lives is relied on by their juniors for survival when fish stocks are low.

Perhaps it’s time we took our cue from marine culture and gave ourselves and other women the same kind of status in midlife and beyond? But first we must remove the ominous narrative that surrounds middle age and menopause by vocalising in clear diction (not in euphemisms like “the change”) what really happens, how it actually feels and the positive places it can take us to. And while we’re at it, let’s throw away the phrase midlife crisis and with it the idea that this period is simply about loss – loss of youth, of fertility, of control. Because the more I see and read of women in midlife, the more there is to celebrate.

In a 2018 opinion piece in The New York Times, writer Lisa Selin Davis argued that women in their mid 40s should be given an updated version of “The Talk” they received in advance of puberty, but this time round by a doctor, because their bodies will change as dramatically and unexpectedly as they did 30-odd years previously. Menopause, like childbirth, has historically been spoken of in hushed tones and surrounded by urban myths and fake news. The film director and producer Elia Kazan was correct when he said, “Whatever hysteria exists is inflamed by mystery, suspicion and secrecy. Hard and exact facts will cool it.” Dr Kelly Maxwell Haer agreed in a 2017 article on Oprah.com: “Humans don’t do uncertainty well.” It’s time the mystery surrounding menopause and other midlife experiences was removed.

The difficulty is that, like childbirth, every woman’s midlife journey is unique to them. I’m 46 and so far mine has been far less traumatic than my adolescent one. From the age of 12 to 16, I was painfully uncomfortable with myself and enjoyed very little of anything. It may be that I’m staring down the barrel of a gun and don’t know it yet, but I’ll take perimenopause over puberty any day of the week. If I were to pinpoint a period of crisis in my life, it would be those angst-ridden years, not the ones I’m currently navigating. That’s not to suggest, midlife is easy. Besides the physical changes, I, like many other women, am constantly confronted by other lives I might have lived, those roads not taken, choices I made for better or worse. Transition periods are testing.

But at least now, unlike when I was a teenager, my frame of reference is firmly that in life – more often than not – things work out okay in the end. This is the anchor that steadies me through rough seas.

Interestingly the concept of a midlife crisis – the phrase was coined by Canadian psychologist Elliot Jaques in the 1950s – came into general use in the 1970s with the publication of the late author and journalist Gail Sheehy’s book, Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life, and was presented as a feminist idea; one that could undermine traditional gender hierarchies. Far from being seen as an ending, midlife was projected as the beginning of a woman’s liberation, from childbearing and rearing and from a life of domesticity. Sheehy went on to describe the period after this so-called crisis as one of equilibrium and named it “second adulthood”. So midlife and beyond was, in fact, something to look forward to and embrace rather than fear and avoid. It’s interesting that the title of her book precedes the word crisis with “predictable”. This suggests that the trials of midlife are obvious in advance of happening – but this is only the case if we each continue to articulate our own truth around life after 40.

Over the past 50 years, the word crisis, when attached to the term midlife, has been imbued with a tenor that wasn’t initially intended, I believe. These days, a midlife crisis is depicted as a soul-searching state of absolute despair – unless you’re a man in which case it’s portrayed as a laughable pursuit of the fountain of youth via piercings and a Porsche – but the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word crisis as “an emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person’s life”. Neither the phrase “emotionally significant event” or “radical change of status” automatically infers a period of despondency and dejection. Both simply imply an evolution. In an interview with The Guardian, clinical psychologist Linda Blair agreed that the word crisis is inappropriate. “At different stages in our lives, we have different priorities and when those priorities need to change we experience a period of reforming.”

English novelist HG Wells once said, “The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.” This appears to be as applicable to midlife as anything else given that research shows happiness levels in both men and women rise steadily from our mid-50s right up until our mid-80s.

It’s easy to forget that any kind of crisis or meaningful change can also be exciting, offering us a fresh perspective and renewed vigour.

Blair explains, “It’s not what happens to us, I’ve found in 40 years of clinical work, it’s how we see it.” We need to view ourselves in midlife as finally unshackled of our fertility; free of restrictive, linear career goals; grounded by the perspective of our past experiences, and on the verge of something even better than before. As Maya Angelou said, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”

Perspective is everything. One of my favourite Instagram accounts is @and.bloom, described by its founder as a “digital happy place for women over 40”. It explains the journey through midlife as anything but a crisis: “We are powerful beings, especially as we age…We no longer see ourselves only in relation to others...but more as an individual, a woman who stands alone in the centre of her own being and truth. Women become more intuitive and instinctual. As we age, we become the wise women who have gifts to share...” Just like those female killer whales.

Marie Kelly, December 2020.