Sourcing Self-Love

Margaret Egan - Footfalls Echo in the Memory

7 minute read time

Ellie Balfe

“She loves herself” was always one of the most hurtful schoolyard jibes. It’s a tough one isn’t it, the concept of self-love? We were often conditioned to love others more than ourselves, the idea of putting oneself first, or to the forefront of your mind in any way was akin to vanity or self-obsession - or at least it felt like that growing up in a time that was less conscious than now. I don’t worry about Gen’s Y or Z’s self-love quotients particularly, it’s us Gen X-ers who have that humility hangover.

But here’s the thing; the more I grow, the more I know that the goal in life is self-love. It is not the quest for the love of another. Romantic love can be sublime, but it does not define us - we are far more complex than that alone. The real path to any personal enlightenment is not the holy trinity we were taught of the father, son and the holy spirit - it is a feisty trio of self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-love. In that order.

The self-love trope may need a bit of a rebrand. It’s too tied up in (also skewed) notions of self-care - of baths and face masks - none of which are a bad thing obviously, but they don’t quite cut the mustard when it gets to the real deal of what loving yourself really is. Self-love is more gutsy - more raw. It’s learnt along the way, often concealed in the evolutionary processes of hard emotional graft, and it comes most often via tough times; via surviving the shit bits of life and transcending the hell out of them. It arrives alongside broken hearts, lost dreams, bad marriages and bankruptcies of the soul. It comes with survival; time, perspective and experience. It is the by-product of living a life.

You love yourself when you are proud of yourself. For handling something difficult, or standing up for yourself, or speaking out against something you are opposed to. You are loving yourself when you have standards and values, and you love yourself when you can clearly and confidently state your non-negotiables, whether they be at work, in a relationship or within your family.

Standards matter. And they matter most to yourself. Self-love is an inside job, it is the solo work of reflection and acceptance and it is not a part of anyone else’s gaze. It’s not about any external validation or approval. Permission has no place here, other than that which you grant yourself so that you can softly and graciously learn to be true to yourself.

You love yourself when you see, at last, that the face and body that you see in the mirror in front of you are powerful and capable, and not only fit for purpose, but beautiful too. You love yourself when you place yourself on equal footing within all your relationships. You love yourself when you value your health, your voice, your creativity and your vision for your life - when you advocate for yourself. All relationships improve when you are a solid pillar within the halls, standing steady, not seeking fulfilment, but being full already.

marie kelly

Being Irish, and a woman, self-love isn’t exactly in my DNA. For a midlifer like me, who grew up hearing the virtues of modesty and humility preached from the pulpit in eighties Catholic Ireland, the concept was as alien to me as cashmere was to my wardrobe then. There was no talk of loving yourself, only of loving your neighbour. Self-deprecation was smiled upon, but like much about Irish Catholicism in those days, these dictates were narrow and limiting.

I think the phrase self-love can be alienating, though, because it conjures images of navel-gazing, selfie-obsessed social-media addicts. I prefer the term self-regard, which on vocabulary.com is defined as “the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect” as opposed to self-love, which is explained as “an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself”, or in other words, Donald Trump. The wonderful writer Toni Morrison chose the former phrase as the title for one of her incredible collections of essays: The Source of Self-Regard.

Like most of us, my sense of self-worth is a work in progress. There are days when I think I’ve done great (in life) and others when I feel like I’ve fallen flat on my face and failed at everything. But I try to remember what actress Lucille Ball said on the subject: “You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world”. Self-regard isn’t so much an end in itself, but a means to an end; it’s the route to action and achievement, which of course boosts our sense of self and feelings of worthiness anyway. So while I cringe a little at the notion of self-love, I embrace the idea that self-respect and self-esteem are not “vanity, but sanity”, as author Katrina Mayer put it.

Dearbhla Kelly

Self-love is something I had to learn. Forgiveness is crucial, as is letting go and moving on. Befriending my inner critic has taken much practise and the love and care of others, mostly women. Yoga has helped enormously. And good friends, sunshine on my skin.

A huge part of self-love is taking care of myself so that I’m balanced and resilient, eating regularly and well, getting enough sleep, being vigilant about the types of media I consume. My yoga practice is central, and running too these days. Above all else speaking kindly to myself, the way I’d speak to a beloved friend serves me well.

Yahaira L. Reyes

Since I was 15 years old my life revolved around having crushes on boys, then men. They were never reciprocated. I had very low self-esteem and, although I read and learned a lot to make up for my silly belief of being ugly, I was always yearning for a boyfriend. I managed to complete my studies, doing the bare minimum. I found employment and I performed enough not to get fired. All my efforts, my thoughts and feelings were focused on finding love, whilst deep down hating myself. As a result, my journey until I was 38 years old was painful and sad; I was an empty shell looking to be fulfilled by outside forces. After a harrowing experience at 39, and subsequently, a lot of support, I began to accept myself by shifting my focus inwards, learning to love my good and bad sides. Self-love pushed me towards studying again and I was in awe of how much I loved the subjects, and how clear everything was for me. It was as if, by forgetting about men, my focus shifted and I understood that I was actually good, maybe even great at something. Now at 42, I'll be graduating with an honours law degree, have some interesting job prospects and I'll be having my first child with a great partner. All after looking inwards and seeing where my true love resides. Self-love is power because it awakens the wolf woman we all carry within; because it makes you wild, tenacious and brave; because with self-love you finally know who you are.

Nikki Walsh

When I think of self-love I think of pink heart-shaped crystals and women in long skirts, but of course, self-love is not any of these things – self-love is boundaries, self-care, asking for what you need, putting your own oxygen mask on first. It’s a t-shirt, a self-help book, a hashtag. It’s also hard, takes practice, and for many women, is just another thing they could be better at, another stick to beat themselves with.

Self-love in a pandemic feels more like self-preservation. Was it Audre Lorde that said self-preservation is an act of political warfare? Either way, it’s crying in the shower, calling a friend, saying no to your boss.

I can’t help wondering why we all just can’t muddle along. Accept ourselves the way we are. Settle into something a bit shabby but also very real. I am so weary of the world of self-improvement. Look at what we did to gratitude. We took a fleeting emotion and wouldn’t let it go. Hanging onto something as profound as that is exhausting.

Older women tell me that self-love is something that just happens to you. It catches up on you, takes you by surprise. It’s that voice that whispers in your ear, that feeling of complete indifference when you realise you are the only person dancing on the dancefloor. It is the by-product of age and experience and it comes with wrinkles, belly fat and stretch marks, and you don’t care.

So perhaps it pays not to chase it too much. Let it come to you. You will have earned it.