Silence no More

American congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said beauty is an inside job. I think by midlife we all understand this to be true, even if we don’t always trust that it holds firm for our own selves. In any case, it’s easier to work on the outside, isn’t it? It’s simpler to invest in lotions and potions than get up close and personal with our emotions. We live in a world where sometimes it feels as if “surface” has more of an impact and makes a better impression than substance. Otherwise, how could Melania Trump be First Lady of the free world? So we invest time, money and energy in perfecting our facades, but like an old period property that looks exquisite from the outside but has no central heating inside, skin-deep success can leave us feeling cold and alone pretty quickly.

Like many other women, when I’m feeling low, my instinct is to “fix” something superficial – have a facial, lose a couple of pounds, get a blow dry or buy a new dress. It was a perceptive friend of mine who recently said to me (kindly), maybe you need to “fix” your head instead? She’s right of course because nothing about my appearance is ever really the cause of the anxiety or mild depression I sometimes suffer from. I guess this is where emotional intelligence comes into play, something I’ve written about recently for this website. It’s also where feminism enters the equation because, as Ocasio-Cortez said, “It’s quite a radical act and it’s almost like a mini protest to love yourself in a society that’s always trying to tell you, you’re not the right way…”

This statement really struck me, firstly because it’s always useful to look at different ways of framing the argument in favour of women loving themselves just the way they are, but also because she makes the idea of self-love sound empowering and necessary rather than egotistical and indulgent, which it can often be portrayed as in this narcissistic world of social media.

And it is absolutely necessary. According to the most recent Dove self-esteem in women project, which was conducted in 2016 and surveyed 85,000 women and girls across 13 countries (not including Ireland), 85% of women and 79% of girls admitted that they opt out of important life activities, such as trying out for teams and clubs or engaging with family and friends, when they don’t feel good about the way they look. Seven out of 10 girls with low self-esteem also said that they won’t be assertive in their opinion or stick with a decision made if they don’t like the way they look. If this trend continues into adulthood, essentially it amounts to an almost complete silencing of the women who are the future of this planet. It means the gender balance in politics, business, the arts will never be achieved.

It means men will always have the final word, the power to veto and the casting vote in our futures. Isn’t that a depressing prospect? It’s frightening too, and it’s one that needs to be addressed with urgency. A woman’s voice is valid no matter what she looks like, just as we’ve always known a man’s is.

But how can we expect attitudes to change when the Oxford English Dictionary – described as the principal historical dictionary of the English language by Wikipedia – includes bitch as a synonym for women?

An open letter of complaint sent to the Oxford University Press earlier this year, which carried more than 30,000 signatories, explained, “Synonyms...when offered without context, reinforce negative stereotypes about women and centre men. That’s dangerous because language has real-world implications, it shapes perceptions and influences the way women are treated.” It’s clear these real-world implications include the silencing of women.

I read a wonderful article in The Guardian recently by Rebecca Solnit which describes silence as, “...the ocean of the unsaid, the unspeakable, the repressed, the erased and unheard.” She argues that, “Having a voice is crucial. It’s not all there is to human rights, but it’s central to them, and so you can consider the history of women’s rights and lack of rights as a history of silence and breaking silence.”

The prevailing beauty narrative which has always inferred that women need to change – the colour of their hair, the size of their bum, the shape of their eyebrows (full disclosure, I’ve had mine tattooed on) – to fit in, to be heard, to be valued and to be accepted is ultimately contributing to the silencing of women. So it’s this fiction which needs to change, not each one of us. Our culture, our media, our leaders and those male peers who support this pretext need to change. As Michelle Obama said, “No country can ever truly flourish if it stifles the potential of its women and deprives itself of the contributions of half its citizens.”

A society which encourages women to internalise feelings of inadequacy is stifling their potential. Dr Nancy Etcoff, assistant clinical professor in psychology in the department of psychiatry at Harvard University explains, “We need to help empower women and girls in many ways, including increasing body-confidence education, driving meaningful conversations around the pressures women and girls face, and advocating for change in how females and their appearance are talked about and portrayed in the media.”

As women in midlife, we can support this message and participate in Ocasio-Cortez’s “mini protest” by respecting, embracing and celebrating ageing – out loud (not in silence) so that women of every age can see and hear. And as part of this radicalisation, what if we divided our time between potions and emotions? What if we spread our disposable income between our exterior and interior? No woman wants to give up her concealer – least of all me – and nor should she have to, but what about investing in the idea that as Michelle Obama put it (I could quote her all day), “No matter where you are, no matter where you come from, you are beautiful.”

This beauty which the former First Lady speaks of doesn’t come from pricey powders or creams, it doesn’t come from injections or fillers, it comes from hard work, not the physical or mental kind but the emotional kind.

I know I haven’t done enough of this work, and I wonder if perhaps I need help, from a counsellor, therapist or some kind of professional who can clear the path for me, so to speak, because I suspect I’ll feel far more beautiful in the long run if I spend less on cosmetics and more on my mental health.

But first things first. As the open letter explains, language is vital to how women perceive themselves, and how they are perceived and treated by others, and that begins with how we speak to and about ourselves. We don’t need to change how we look or who we are, but we do need to change how we verbalise it – we need to adjust the dysfunctional language we assault ourselves with on a daily basis, such as “I’m so stupid”, “My thighs are too fat”, “I look like shit”. I’m the worst offender, although I have a wonderful sister who pulls me up on this every time. She consistently makes me aware of those times when I use negative language about myself. The more you become aware of it, the less you do it I’m learning.

And it’s all a learning process really, but it’s one we need to ace, if only for the next generation of women because it’s their voices we need, not Donald Trump Jr’s.

Marie Kelly, August 2020.

What do you think dear reader? Start a conversation in the comments box below…