That’s How the Light Gets In

Below my window the awakening trees,
Hacked clean for better bearing, stand defaced
Suffering their brute necessities,
And how should the flesh not quail that span for span
Is mutilated more? In slow distaste
I fold my towel with what grace I can,
Not young and not renewable, but man.

Thomas Kinsella’s mid-century poem, Mirror in February, was one of the few things that stayed with me long after my Leaving Cert, largely because, as I got older, that idea of being the fruit tree ‘hacked clean for better bearing’, cut to profligate, always came back to me. The notion that the hurts and wounds you endure in life would, in fact, lead to a better way of being for me was a real boon.

But there was always a weariness to Kinsella’s words that weighed them down, a weariness that he attributes to having endured almost too much. It is not physical fatigue, but one of spirit. It is a weariness to which much more recently I can relate. And it has bothered me. The feeling that lived experiences have a price, and can dim your lightness, is something that has made me think about a particular challenge in midlife, where it can get harder to feel that relish for just being that you once did.

Maybe you’re heartsore. Sometimes it’s a cul de sac of behaviour that just doesn’t let any wonder in. I recently saw someone on Twitter genuinely asking the question if people thought it was possible to find love over 50. Given that many of us will live into our 90s, the fact that so many truly wonder if meaningful connections can be made beyond a certain point shows in some ways where we are at.

But it is not just confined to relationships, the same malaise can strike professionally and personally.

You are not your past

If there is a sense of weight that we can carry with us when we get to midlife, it is usually one of feelings of regret or failure for things that have not played out how we hoped they would. Aspirations that may have been dashed, or mistakes that may have been made. Often this is a perspective we have taken that then becomes a kind of repeated story which we keep playing out. And it can shut us down, most importantly, to all the vitality and possibility we still possess.

Yet this very habit can also provide the solution. There is an opportunity to change the story. If a belief is just a thought we keep practising, we also have the power to reshape it. That feeling of being defined by what we have done or events that took a certain turn can leave us locked into a system of thought that may not serve us, but conversely that unblemished feeling of having everything before you is actually just a state of mind. It is an energy.

Absorb the stories of resilience and renewal around you

We often think of the ‘cannot be what you cannot see’ mantra as something aimed at young girls, but it applies to any of us. Even in midlife, we are still dominated by stories of men who have triumphed in this or that arena, right up to becoming presidents at 70. So we have to look harder sometimes as women to find those role models who have lived, or continue to live an optimistic, hopeful life, despite having endured extraordinary setbacks or challenges.

I recently watched a piece on online dating fatigue by Matthew Hussey who made a really useful point. He talked about the chef Anthony Bourdain who, in his exploits, often appeared to be dating the world, willing to sit down and listen to anyone’s story, always open. I think this idea of perhaps that idea of dating the world, not necessarily for the aim of meeting the love of your life, but for the sheer experience of allowing adventure in, is a powerful and useful one.

Pay It Forward

Rekindling that sense of lightness and positivity can also be about connecting with a bigger community, something that was more readily available when there was less responsibility on our shoulders. Our social circle can get smaller as we get older, and with that can come deeper and richer relationships, but what we can miss is that feeling of vitality that bigger interplays can bring. But engaging in either constructive giving or random acts of kindness can help bring back that sense of connection. The act of giving has been proven to promote the release of the hormone oxytocin which is a proven elixir, both physically and emotionally.

Compare constructively

We are all naturally complacent at times about our happiness. We can look at others who seem to have gotten it so right, or always seem to be content and unburdened by what goes on around them. But instead of looking at that greener grass, we need to open our eyes to what is real loss and tragedy. Really absorbing stories of loss or personal grief in others can, in turn, become powerful motivations to turn on the wonder. Yes, it can be fleeting, but it can be emboldening too, and pivotal when you need it.

Choose freedom

Often it seems we get hemmed in by those feelings of limited options, and we can let false notions define us. It cramps us and conditions us into accepting a certain amount of circumstance as fate. It enslaves us. The freeing from that is partly about letting go of those old narratives but also lining up for the good things to come. That lining up can simply be a process of thinking more about what brings us joy than what soothes our fear. Kindness, magic, possibility, these are our friends for life.