Let's Stay Together

Last weekend my husband and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. It’s a beautiful thing, this fragile web called ‘us.’ There are many moments of sweetness and joy and downright silliness. This morning we were cuddling and giggling in bed while our stuffed elephant did a trunk stand on my arm. There are frequent tender expressions of love and dancing around the kitchen.

But there have also been many times when I thought we wouldn’t make it. Marriage is really hard. Challenging on so many levels but also extremely rewarding, magical even. We don’t have children, despite trying for years and who knows if that has been a blessing or an obstacle. But fourteen years teaches you a few things and here’s some of what I’ve learned.

You don’t have to have a big fancy wedding

We got married outside the Santa Barbara courthouse with no friends or family. It was just us and our immigration attorney (who was also a friend). The timing of our marriage was stipulated by the United States government. Which is to say we got married when we did because my legal status in the US was in jeopardy.

We did get dressed up in our finery and had beautiful flowers and, although there were no guests, the legal ceremony itself was moving (we both shed a tear). The simple act of repeating vows was declarative and transformational.

In some ways not having a fancy wedding was freeing. There were no big expectations as we transitioned to married life. Every anniversary has been a victory, a testament to our tenacity and willingness to hang in there when the going gets tough. But also to our love. We do regret the friends and family part though.

Marriage counselling is essential

Around the seven-year mark, we hit a very rough spot. We got into downward cycles of conflict and blame that we just couldn’t get out of. We’re both quite feisty and have always had a high conflict relationship but this was different. We both recognised that divorce was a real possibility and that was frightening. We did some intensive marriage counselling and it really helped. Not that it was easy. Oh lord no. The mirror was ever-present and sparkling, you couldn’t help but see yourself reflected back. And that was probably the hardest part. Our counsellor is highly effective and doesn’t let either of us away with anything. Good thing too as we’re both a piece of work!

I’m not sure we would still be married without Craig. We have had sessions with him on a need-to basis for the last ten years, in addition to a couple of bouts of intense counselling. Because the truth is there have been times when we were totally stuck. So stuck I was sure we wouldn’t unstick, but sessions with Craig got us out of a rut and back on course.

We’re once again enjoying a period of harmony and stability having gone through more intense marriage counselling for the first few months of the pandemic. Being at home together without the usual distractions and outlets created a pressure cooker and it felt like there was no place for the steam to go. As usual, our guy created a safe container for us to excavate the nether regions of our psyches and destructive tendencies.

Shared language helps

My husband and I are not religious. We are both agnostics who think that when you die you merge back into the great unknown from which all arises and into which all ultimately dissolves. But we do share the very powerful language of yoga. We believe that self-knowledge and growth are essential to a life well-lived and that exploration of the self is essential for a meaningful life.

For us, it’s a given that relationship is a spiritual practice, a tool for growth and self-knowledge. If you expect reward without effort, you’ll inevitably be disappointed. But if you’re willing to hold a pose even when it’s uncomfortable and you want to bolt, well then there’s something really worthwhile on the other side. Sometimes the sweetest moments follow from bitter antecedents but you have to stay around to receive the gift.

Robust conversation helps too

I love talking with my husband. He is endlessly fascinating and knowledgeable about all kinds of things. We are both kind of intellectual geeks and have lots of things to say about what’s going on in the world around us. Before the pandemic, we frequently went to museums, art exhibitions, films and concerts, all of which provided juicy conversational fodder. Obviously, those things are off the table now but we still find plenty to talk about which keeps our connection vibrant.

Time apart is both healthy and necessary

My husband is a professional musician whose main source of revenue pre-pandemic was touring, so time apart was built into our relationship from the get-go. I always go through the same cycle when he leaves. Loving my time alone for about seven days, definitely missing him by ten, over it by two and a half weeks. Smartphones have definitely made things easier, being able to see his face when we talk soothes my heart and we have become much better communicators over the years. He’s better at staying in touch and I don’t get (as) resentful because I miss him.

Regular periods of time apart definitely kept our relationship interesting and we have had to adjust to being around each other all the time since we shut down in March. The fact that he has a studio in our back garden and not having to homeschool children is doubtless beneficial.

Schedule sex

I know it sounds so quotidian and banal. How do you keep things spicy and interesting when you’ve been together over a decade, have seen the absolute worst of each other and share a bathroom?

Conflict, stress and tiredness can all dampen ardour. Not to mention boredom. We’ve found that if there’s a prolonged dry spell, actually scheduling some afternoon delight can get the juices flowing again. It can feel a bit weird and staged at first but having a sense of humour helps, as does not being attached to a particular outcome.

Sex toys keep things interesting too. And giving voice to your fantasies. It takes courage and self-validation to talk about sexual fantasies with your partner but doing so keeps things interesting and reveals a part of yourself that’s usually under wraps.

Americans are a lot more open about sex than Irish people, at least Irish people of my generation and this gap definitely showed up in my relationship with my husband from the get-go. But over time I’ve become more comfortable with being open about sex and my sexuality and this has given me freedom and increased confidence. I’m really grateful for that.

Have support outside the marriage

One thing we both agree on is that we are NOT each other’s best friend. It’s simply too big a burden to place on your spouse to expect them to be lover, confidante, the person you talk about all the tedious financial stuff with AND best friend. We both value our close friends outside the relationship and let those friendships be a source of support and occasional safe venting spaces. Also, it’s tremendously important to spend time together with friends and family.

Occasional recreational drug use helps

Yes, we have. Ecstasy – highly therapeutic and bonding, talk about being loved up! Once we did some on Easter Saturday night, and at 2 am, stood in the kitchen side by side polishing his grandmother’s sliver in preparation for our festive lunch the next day. When we told friends about it, they thought that ‘polishing the silver’ was a euphemism for sex and we were like ‘no, we actually stood there polishing silver tableware and we were totally in synch.’ Bonding and brilliant.

Then there was the time we did LSD and had a crazy nine-hour journey and mind-blowing sex. Our house became a theatre for all kinds of acts from making green tea to seeing our Persian carpet fractalise and singing together while he played slide guitar. Later I saw God and understood the fundamental unity that is reality. The sex was next level. But that whole experience might be another article.

Don’t get divorced

I’m not being facetious. If you want to stay married, don’t get divorced. It’s that simple. You’ll want to sometimes. You might even throw the gauntlet down to your spouse during a fight, or they might. But you have to keep your eye on the ball, know that it’s a long game.

Get help when you need it. See friends, take some time apart (even if that’s just going for a walk), try to listen deeply. Work on yourself, do better, be kinder. Say sorry. A lot. Cultivate a sense of humour and laugh as much as possible.