Jan Brierton is a renowned and respected fashion stylist. With creativity strongly represented in her DNA, she has worked with all of the top Irish magazines, and collaborated as Creative Director with one of the leading model agencies, recruiting and managing new talent. Jan is also an educator in fashion industry practices, a photographer and a mum of two…

Which three adjectives describe you best?

Sensitive, friendly, curious.

What is on your mind most these days?

These days my mind is full of what next? What can I do? Will the kids be ok? I’d like to paint the house. I’m going to take photographs. I must read more, we’re doing okay, we’ll be grand . . . a kind of thought Tourettes’!

What is the last thing that you said no to?

Theo, my son, asking me if he could play on the computer.

What is the last thing you said yes to?

My husband just offered to drop the kids off so I could have the time to finish writing this!

What made you decide to do what you are now doing in your life?

The decision was kind of made for me. I’m not a planner and tend to go with what comes, and welcome opportunities as they present themselves. I’ve been lucky and unlucky with things, people and careers that have come my way. It’s not been without its upsets but it’s been very exciting!

I do feel now though that I am moving into a phase of change, personally and professionally.

How many things have you been in your life so far?

Daughter, sister, friend, wife, mam, lead singer, music industry PR, DJ, retail manager, fashion buyer, market stall-holder, wannabe artist, fashion stylist, model booker, fashion educator and most recently farmhand.

Where do you come in your family, and did this have any influence on you?

I am the oldest, just me and my brother, Alan. Sadly Alan is no longer with us, he died three years ago. Being the eldest to a younger, wilder brother meant I assumed the role of the goody-two-shoes, the pleaser, the tell tailer (I always knew when he was up to something). I am still a pleaser.

I am also the eldest of three - I’m adopted and since 2012 have a relationship with my birth mother and two younger sisters.

Are you where you wanted to be at this stage in your life?

I asked my daughter Willow when she was 3, what she’d like to be when she grew up, and she said, ‘Happy.’ I’m happy today and that’s all I want at any stage of my life, so yes I am.

What is the best, and worst piece of advice you have received in your life so far?

The best: ‘ You will never be criticized by someone who is doing more than you. You will only be criticized by someone who is doing less. ’

The worst: ‘ It’ll be good for your profile.’

What does midlife feel like to you?

I’m really not sure, at 45, in my head, I am circa 27.

A few years ago I would have said I’m still 19 in my head. I do feel like I am going through a change and transformation, I feel like I am getting to know myself better after 45 years, and there is quiet confidence growing.

Is there something you have dreamt of doing for a long time? What is it? Are you going to do it?

I’ve always dreamt of being an artist, I mean I don’t really even know what that means as such, but I have been actively exploring the idea of going to art college. Unfortunately, COVID has put college on ice for now. So I am trying to find ways of learning new processes and exploring different crafts and skills. Through my own love of fashion, I’m fascinated by the emotional attachment people have to clothes. I’m keen to develop a series with a based around this but might have to wait till the children return to school before I can give it the time and energy it deserves.

Has there been a place, event, or experience that has transformed your ideas and changed your thinking?

I am only learning now the impact my brother Alan has had on my life. Alan was 3 years younger than me, my little brother, who grew into a 6ft 4 gentle giant of a man. Alan struggled with addiction for the majority of his adult life, and really his dabbling began as a very young teenager. Drugs and addiction were a constant backdrop to my family and home life growing up. And I am only now realising what an impact it had on me emotionally growing up. Three years ago, Alan overdosed at home, it was a traumatic loss.

I have felt so powerless seeing my parents love him through all of his hurt and pain. But with every year I can see now, the compassion and love that they had for him. Alan’s overdose and subsequent death came at a time when I was so wrapped up in my work and myself. It brought me back to myself and put all that I was blind to into sharp perspective.

What is something you love now, that you couldn’t imagine you would like in the past?

Yesterday I was 60 days alcohol-free. It started as an experiment really, in June when I felt I was mindlessly drinking my way through lockdown. I love the buzz of a crazy night out, the feeling of loss of inhibition that a few drinks give; my best dance moves have been developed while under the influence.

I have surprised myself at how much better I feel without alcohol, I don’t know if I’ll never not drink, but I feel like I have gained rather than given up something over the last few months.

Is there a milestone you are working towards in your personal or professional life at the moment?

As I said I tend not to plan in advance, so no. Although always trying to reach and maintain happiness and contentedness

How do you think the world of work can improve for women?

I think women need to be honest with each other, and support each other more. Speak and share openly how they manage, fail to manage, cope and don’t cope with work/life balance.

What do you spend too much time doing? And what do you spend too little doing?

I spend waaay too much time self-criticising (still working on that) and I spend not enough time reading; I have a stack of books beside all waiting for my attention.

How do you care for your own wellbeing?

I’m a walker, I don’t drive, so it’s my main form of transport. I’m lucky that where I live is accessible to all parts of the city – I’m never really more than an hour from friends on foot. I take morning walks too, just for fun, which set me up for the day. Sleep is a valuable part of my self-care, I know that a good night's sleep will set me up for the day.

Staying in touch and keeping connected does me the world of good. Talking on the phone or meeting, it really serves me well. We have a terrible tendency to think that because we’ve texted or WhatsApp someone that we are still ‘in touch’ but nothing can replace a good conversation over the phone or in person. At the beginning of lockdown I decided I would call everyone whose number I had on my phone, I mean why else did I have their number?! I started at A and ended at Z, it took a couple of days, but I loved it.

I talk to an amazing therapist, every couple of weeks and more regularly if I’m having a wobble, but it’s been a game-changer for me. And every day I find the time to put my lipstick on.

What do you feel free of now that you are at this life stage?

I feel free of trying to impress, trying to fit in, and trying to please others by hiding my emotions and my needs. At this life stage, I am relishing, being loved, being protected and supported and held, by my husband and family and friends, this I know to be true.

What gives you the most stress at this life stage?

I don’t really feel stress anymore, it’s more a distraction I feel, and it comes often from the balancing of time, the to-ing and fro-ing, the busying of young ones.

Do you sleep well?

Yes! I always tell my husband, I can sleep for days. Sleep is my remedy, when I feel blue or if I’ve had a difficult day, a good sleep makes everything better.

What advice would you offer to yourself in your 20’s, 30’s and 40’s?

20’s – slow down.

30’s – you deserve this, accept it, welcome it, enjoy it, fight back.

40’s – you’re heading in the right direction, don’t look back, you’re not going that way.

Did you ever feel lost in your life path? How did you find your way again?

I have often felt ‘less than’ in relation to education, work and even as a parent.

My default is ‘I’m not good enough’ and my work with Lucy my therapist and the time I dedicate to my relationships help me and guide me back on the right path.

What do you love about yourself?

My ability to connect with my children. My ability to connect with people I meet and to make them feel comfortable and seen.

When do you feel truly alive?

When I’m on my own out walking, when I’m dancing in my kitchen, and when I’m looking into Willow or Theo’s eyes and they are talking specifically to me or recounting something that has happened to them.

What do you consider your biggest achievement?

I am my biggest achievement. Getting up, getting through, being the best I can be.

What was a major turning point in your life?

I would say meeting Austin (my husband) and having our children was a huge turning point in my life. Truly loving and being loved in return, the security and confidence that that gives me continues to enable me to keep going. My brother Alan dying, and in such a traumatic way really made me look at myself and my relationships. It made me slow down, prioritise and really appreciate the love of friends and family.

What are you looking forward to in the coming months?

Newness, a new perspective, new opportunities and experiences. And sharing.

Are you a good friend?

I hope so, and I hope to get better.

My nana always said ‘show me you, show me your friends’ and so when I look at my friends, and I believe I am a reflection of them, I must be doing ok, because they are a precious bunch of loving, honest, supporting, hilarious, kind and genuine people.

What in life is beautiful to you? Where do you find inspiration?

I see beauty always in nature and often just people; the way someone walks, the way they’ve styled their hair that day, the smile they give when they cross your path. Inspiration for me is literally everywhere, the kids provide endless inspiration their perspective is so clear and simple. It inspires me to be the same.

Any regrets?

The only regret I carry is how I was as a sister to my brother.

I wish I could have loved him more, and regret not being more compassionate. I regret not having conversations with him, not seeing him as often as I should, and not seeing him on his last birthday. Typical of the time I was ‘flat out with work’ and just sent a text. The next time I saw him was in ICU.

I’ll always carry that regret, but I also know that the relationship I had with Alan was all that we were able to have at the time. I’m sorry that I don’t know how it is to be a sibling as an adult.

We had a very broken relationship from his teens, and I thought ‘tough love’ was the solution when actually it was just love.

Knowing what you know now, what is most important in life?

Letting those who are precious to you know that they are loved and that you care for them, and that it’s okay to not be okay.

What makes you feel at home?

Family, good company and a warm cup of tea.

Favourite book, and why?

The Descent of Man by Grayson Perry

Married to one, the daughter of one, the sister of one, the mother of one and the friend of many, I think this book was so, so important in being aware how rigid masculine roles can destroy men’s lives.

Favourite piece of music, and why?

This changes every day. I couldn’t pick one, there are so so many, all of them because they instantly transport me to a happy time …these are just a few: Iggy Pop ‘lust for life’, Beats International ‘Dub Be Good To Me’, Roisin Murphy ‘Murphy’s Law,’ Primal Scream ‘Loaded’, Sabres of Paradise ‘Smoke belch’, SaltNPeppa ‘Push It’, Joe Smooth ‘Gabriel’, ‘Hit me with your Rhythm Stick’ Ian Dury and the Blockheads, Luther Vandross ‘Never Too Much’, Sade ‘Sweetest Taboo’, David Bowie ‘Let’s Dance’, Kate Bush ‘Cloudbusting.’

Last time you cried (tears of joy count!)

We love to watch The Voice Kids and The Repair Shop, there are always tears and they are always mine.

How do you draw on your own inner strength?

I share how I feel with my friends and family, and by sharing it gives me perspective and strength.

What are your feelings about this new world we find ourselves in now?

I think we desperately needed a reset. I believe that all great change is preceded by chaos.

How do you draw on your creativity in times of stress?

Oddly my ‘creativity’ can often be the source of stress or upset. I used to think I was a ‘gun for hire’, that I’d do whatever I was asked to do. But as I’ve grown throughout my styling/fashion career, and as a woman, I’ve realised that it’s very very important to me to have real input in whatever I am working on. I’m getting better at saying no to things that I feel I don’t have any creative input in.

Has life throughout the pandemic changed anything major for you, or made you reassess your direction at all?

It’s changed everything. Myself and my husband are both at home, and we will both have to change and reimagine our work lives. On reflection, I’ve realised that I’ve been lucky to receive so much fulfilment from my career. That’s not a given, it’s a blessing, not everyone gets that kind of fulfilment in their job. And so we are both looking to the future and trying to figure out what we can do, how can we each work and be content.

I know it’s important to me to give back, I know I want to share and I know I want to encourage and support. And so I’m open to welcoming all opportunities that might present themselves and looking forward to change.

Jan Brierton in digital conversation with Ellie Balfe, August 2020