Feel it All

“Shielding kids from emotional intelligence and then sending them into the world is like sending an athlete to the Olympics with no training,” said a Guardian journalist in a 2019 article on raising children to identify and understand their own emotions. I think a lot of my generation were left to hurdle and pole jump the ups and downs of romantic connections, work relationships, motherhood and friendship without the correct pair of running shoes let alone any training. According to a study by UC Berkeley psychologist, Robert Levinson, of Baby Boomers, Millennials and Gen Xers (you and me), the latter rated lowest in levels of emotional intelligence.

Raised in the seventies and eighties, Gen X is described as the first generation of latchkey kids, as more women entered the workforce than ever before. In other countries, divorce rates were also rising, leaving children to fend for themselves more often and pushing them towards adulthood far earlier than their parents or grandparents. They weren’t coddled for every emotional need and want, and so the narrative of emotional intelligence was rarely taught or learned. In fact, it was seldom understood. Parenting was a more practical endeavour back then; feeding, clothing, educating children, setting them up to achieve and succeed in the workplace was the priority as this was considered the basis of a “good life”. Certainly, in my own childhood home, I was loved and hugged, but we didn’t sit around talking about our feelings much. My parents worked hard, and they taught me and my siblings to do the same, and to be honest, punctual and to respect authority.

So EQ (as emotional intelligence is referred to - as opposed to IQ) is not something I was familiar with until relatively recently when I came across Marc Brackett’s book Permission To Feel. In it, he remarks that “...we ask some variation of the question ‘How are you feeling?’ over and over, which would lead one to assume that we attach some importance to it. And yet we never expect or desire – or provide – an honest answer.” Never was a truer word said. Like me, you probably have your stock answer ready whenever anyone asks, “How’s it going?”

My standard response is along the lines of “Yeah good. You know, busy, a bit tired, but grand.” It’s a combination of what I think someone expects me to say (grand), what they actually want to hear (good) and the truth (tired).

This is not to say we should spill our guts to everyone who enquires after us, but generic responses leave us in the dark about how we’re really feeling as much as those who ask after us, and achieving a “good life” is about happiness, which stems from emotional honesty, not simply from success. It’s a misunderstanding to assume success automatically infers happiness.

We live with the misconception that feelings are something we can control, when in fact without having the life skills that EQ offers, they almost certainly control us. Most of us mistake ignoring or suppressing our emotions for controlling them. Sadness, antipathy and disappointment are generally pushed to one side as we press on with the day-to-day tasks of “living”. But according to Brackett, “...when we ignore our feelings, or suppress them, they only become stronger. If we don’t express our emotions, they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due.” This is something I experienced some time ago, but I’m only identifying now how I paid that debt. I was bullied at work many years ago, every day for the duration of my time with a particular company. It was so bad that despite having a mortgage and bills to pay, I handed in my notice without having another job to go to or another salary to lean on, as I was single. This is something I’d never done before nor since. I naively thought that because I had left the company, emotionally, everything would be okay from that moment on. But I had a dreadful subsequent year, full of fear that I would be treated the same way again in my new workplace (thankfully I found another job speedily enough), reacting with paranoia and panic to everyday incidents and terrified of being undermined and made to feel incompetent, as I was during that awful period. I had so many negative feelings left unexpressed and unexplored and they spilled violently over into my new work life, almost damaging it irreversibly, but for the kindness and understanding of my wonderful colleagues.

I look back and think how emotionally unintelligent I was at the time, and how difficult that made both the experience of being bullied and my recovery from it. Imagine if, in school, as well as learning about Stalagmites and Stalactites, The Byzantine Empire and Peig Sayers, time was carved out to teach children how to identify their emotions correctly, understand the influence their feelings have on every facet of their lives and develop the skills to make sure they use their emotions in a healthy and productive way. This may sound obvious, but very often when a child – or an adult for that matter – expresses anger, what they actually feel is hurt, or when they show frustration, they’re really experiencing sadness. I don’t have children, so I don’t know whether or not these life skills are being taught in schools today. I imagine in some they are, but not in all. Certainly, that’s what I hear anecdotally from friends.

EQ feels even more important now that the world has been upended by a pandemic and our lives changed for the medium-term at least. Like many of you, this time last year my life looked completely different, although that’s not only a result of Covid. Since last November, I’ve lost my job, my Dad passed away, my dog died, and I contracted Covid-19 and suffered chronic fatigue as a result. There’s a lot of emotions wrapped up in these events that I understand now need to be recognised and engaged with, but I’ve really no idea how to begin other than by reading Brackett’s book. I’m starting from scratch. This all sounds incredibly touchy-feely, doesn’t it? A bit icky? Yes it does, but actually the effects of having a high EQ can have a dramatic impact on all areas of our lives, including our work life and earning potential. A study published in the Journal of Vocational Behaviour in 2017 found that American University students who scored highly for EQ went on to achieve better salaries over the next ten years across all industries than their less emotionally intelligent peers.

Examining our feelings may sound schmaltzy, but understanding them leads to tangible dividends.

Midlife is a time of metamorphosis anyway. As women, we spend so much time in our 40s and 50s worrying about the changes we’re experiencing in our bodies and those we’re seeing on our faces and engaging with how best to explore and manage them. I suspect if we were to devote as much attention to developing our emotional intelligence, all these midlife moments we stress endlessly about might cause us a lot less fuss. It’s worth a try in any case. I’ll keep you posted.

Marie Kelly, August 2020.

How are you feeling, dear reader? Tell us in the comments box below?