Why so Much Everyday Guilt?

5 minute read

Guilt is a tricky one. When I was twenty-three and working hard at a low-paying yet professional job to support my building a career, living somewhat independently and funding my Friday nights out galavanting around Dublin City Centre, middle age was the golden calf in terms of an assumed ability to be good to one’s self. That must-have coat that taunted me in the window of Oasis on St. Stephen’s Green? In my forties, I would buy that without a second thought. I would order takeaway any night I didn’t feel like cooking and fabulous weekend city breaks would be booked at the drop of a hat. In the early noughties, such lifestyle choices were relatively carefree. They didn’t come with a moral price tag or a dilemma of conscience. Those were simpler times.

Now, I find myself in hoops on supermarket trips weighing up the benefits of buying organic over locally produced. The imported lilies I once bought to brighten up my week are too carbon-loaded to even consider purchasing and don’t even get me started on the emotional toll involved in buying an avocado. That bottle of wine may increase my long-term chances of getting ill and - alert! - is not even automatically vegetarian. And as I head home, in my not-electric car, I deny myself that delicious coffee I’ve been craving because I forgot my reusable cup and cannot cope with creating any more waste given my already plastic-loaded weekly shop. And while I do feel bad for not supporting my local coffee shop more, it’s a little hazy on the origins of its coffee beans so… guilt, guilt, guilt. And that’s just your average Tuesday.

Forget about retail therapy, I already fret that I have too much ‘stuff’, and did you read about that desert in Chile ruined by mountains of fast fashion which will take thousands of years to decompose? And what with all those foil containers and questionably-sourced prawns, the Friday takeaway is looking much less alluring, which is probably for the best anyway as I already feel dreadfully guilty that my children haven’t eaten a decent dinner all week.

The list goes on.

Anyone with even the tiniest of pension pots is starting to sweat at the realisation that what they are actually investing in are those detested vulture funds that are behind the country’s housing crisis. And that carefree weekend away in Barcelona you feel you really deserve? Not only has the thought of those air miles zapped much of the fun out of the idea, a weekend break just isn't the same when you have to bring your children along too, because calling in a favour of an already busy friend or ageing parents will most certainly involve enough guilt to make it prohibitive to even ask.

Central to this acute attack of the guilts is a rightful awareness of our own immense privilege. We live in one of the richest countries in the world and have been supported, educated and granted opportunities by a generation who worked very hard to make the most of a whole lot less. We are extremely lucky and yet undeniably burdened as we reach the prime of our lives.

There is some glimmer of light in terms of learning to handle some of our everyday feelings of guilt. Anyone can pick up a copy of Psychologies Magazine or follow some of the wonderful pop-psychology social media accounts and learn to shed some of that burden of guilt - to stop people-pleasing, set boundaries and talk to oneself with more compassion. We’re learning that the expectations of others - although highly regarded even thirty years ago - are less important than living an authentic life. Crucially, also, a massive cultural shift is underway in relation to our attitudes towards productivity and food. That painful, ingrained guilt which many women, in particular, feel around taking a break or nourishing their bodies as they please is shifting and dislodging a lot of age-old and unnecessary guilt off our shoulders, leading to a deeper sense of self-love than we’ve ever known before.

But what of this global-scale guilt? Feeling guilty about forgetting your friend’s birthday is one thing. Feeling guilty about one’s privilege, the literal state of the world and our responsibility to save it is, well, another level.

Of course, we can try to do better, to live better and vote greener - to take action and do more in our own corner, as they say. But it’s most likely that growing sense of self-acceptance and forgiveness which comes in midlife will help us to cope with modern-day guilt as it keeps evolving. That and consciously putting our guilt aside to enjoy the good things as they come our way. We’ve worked hard to get to where we are - it’s no harm to acknowledge that such a burden of guilt is too big for any one person to carry or solve.

And I mean, we can’t possibly take on the responsibility of trying to solve all of the problems all of the time, can we?

Guilty as charged.

Laurie Morrissey, November 2021