5 Things I Wish I’d Known at 25

5 minute read

Midlife has brought with it meaning, more understanding, or at least less confusion. I don’t have all the answers, but maybe a more powerful hunch. If nothing else, I hope I’ve acquired some self-knowledge for navigating the next chapter; some nuggets of wisdom I could have done with 20 years ago. But still, no regrets, right?

Success doesn’t mean what you think

I wish I’d known back then that success is a by-product, not the ultimate end goal. Too much emphasis is placed on it instead of how we get through life, which is often through failure and disappointment, which holds way more value for how we manage things in the long-term. I was always a high achiever, sometimes setting myself impossible tasks – all well and good when I hit them, not so much when I fell short. I carried that forward into my 20s and 30s, only treading that water in my 40s when I realised I was better equipped to deal with the fallouts of failure. In fact, when I look back, many transformative moments of my life came through a crisis, or from not ‘hitting’ my personal mark. I ‘fucked up’ plenty in my 30s. I was left a little bruised, but nothing broke. Nowadays I hope that I ‘fuck up’ a bit better, having learnt from my initial ‘fuck ups’. For me, the boundaries of success are loose and very personal, not defined by badges of honour, although, I’ll admit that career ‘happiness’ is important to me. But it’s also about honesty, bravery, fairness, integrity, kindness, being a good parent, being a good friend, leaving a legacy of some sort – whether that’s knowledge imparted or a good impression made – and growth.

I wish I had known back then not to make such rigid plans for myself; that when it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. It won’t ruin the rest of your life.

You can correct the missteps. Good enough is better than perfect and life is far more interesting when it’s textured. As you get older you realise that nothing ever moves in a straight line.

Don’t worry so much

Calm down. You have very little to worry about. That guy you think you love will end up divorced and bald by 35. In a few years, you won’t even remember the names of those bosses who mistreated you. Your career will not end because you sent a magazine to press with a typo in it. You will say a million more stupid things when drunk and nobody will remember any of them. And it turns out that guy, whose pathway you moonwalked across in a nightclub in 1999, wasn’t embarrassed for you, but impressed by your Michael Jackson moves and will ask you out. As you get into your 40s you will have bigger things to worry about, so save your energy for the big stuff and stop living in your head because you’re missing the good bits.

Save your pennies for a rainy day

Just because you’ve finally found a job that’s paying you a monthly salary, it doesn’t mean you can be ‘flahulach’, as my grandmother would say, and start living like a Russian Oligarch. Don’t buy those Louboutins, because if you do, it will give you a credit card debt – and many sleepless nights – that you will be paying off for years to come. And anyway, they will sit in your wardrobe gathering dust and rarely get an outing. Come to think of it, don’t get the belly piercing either – it doesn’t end well.

My grandmother was fond of the saying “save your pennies for a rainy day” and it wasn’t until I hit my 40s that I fully understood the gravity and consequences of that concept.

You’re responsible for yourself so if you can’t afford to put down that deposit and follow through with the payments, you can’t afford it in the first place, and let me tell you, eating Weetabix for dinner every day for three months wears thin. Fast. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy the Prada shoes (buy the Prada shoes, you will wear them), but think more like a squirrel and stow away some of those pennies for when, in your 30s, you’re back to debating Weetabix for dinner.

You don’t need so much make up

Really, you don’t. I see photographs of myself now in my 20s caked in make-up, soot-rimmed eyes and a salmon complexion and I wonder why my friends didn’t tell me to tone it down. Wait, they looked the exactly the same as me, that’s why. We were all just a ‘blind of salmon’ frantically trying to swim upstream. I know you look in the mirror and want to cover up the freckles. God knows you spent countless hours researching ways of cosmetically removing them. I know you look at your beautiful, dark-skinned sister and wish you had her sallow complexion and curly hair but you’re beautiful in your own fair skin. In fact, the more densely populated those smattering of freckles are, the less make up you have to wear, and when that kid tells you that your face looks like a bowl of soggy cornflakes, tell him ‘thank you’. Nowadays social media is rife with speckled skin; freckles are ‘in’, but don’t wait for social media for approval. Embrace yourself, freckles and all. But, do wear more sun screen!

It’s okay to be single

You don’t need to date that ‘unavailable’ man just because your last relationship has ended. I know the very idea of being single and ‘alone’ is terrifying but I promise you, it’s that space between that helps you yield control of yourself and your life. In always rushing to become half a couple, you never bother to fully get to know yourself – work you’ll end up having to do later on, in a much heavier setting. Don’t lose yourself in trying to fill the space with someone to avoid being alone – being single and being alone are not the same thing. There is joy in choosing your own routine, not having to account for someone’s whereabouts or argue over whose method of loading the dishwasher is correct. Spend time with yourself and get to know her because in order to see clearly, and know your worth, you need to be comfortable on your own. Being single also helps cultivate those other important relationships you might be neglecting. It might also save you from that mediocre relationship that comes with ‘filling the gap’, and the precious ‘you time’ lost in that mediocre relationship.