Syreeta Challinger: A Woman in her Heyday
Ellie: I came across Syreeta on Instagram several years ago, and have been continually moved and inspired by the energy, creativity and hope that she, and her husband Rob, send out to the world. However, hers isn’t a straightforward story by any standards; it is one of great resilience, inner strength and above all, of love. I was so pleased to speak with her about her life in midlife. Make yourself a coffee and settle down for a while to enjoy this story of a woman in her heyday…
WHICH THREE ADJECTIVES DESCRIBE YOU BEST?
Courageous, loyal, tenacious...
WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND MOST THESE DAYS?
It’s a conflicting time; writing this in the summer of a pandemic. My mind is full of anxious thoughts from how to best keep our vulnerable family unit safe, how to keep on top of functional things like the weekly online food shop and paying bills, to how I will earn around caring for both my husband and baby boy without any support. Then my mind swings wildly to adventures and dreaming of being in the sea; in a deep heavy swell, out beyond the waves in the still water, waiting for a full set to come in, ducking below as they arrive to feel the rush and weight of the water sweep over me…
WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT YOU SAID NO TO?
Recording a podcast. I had originally agreed, but the closer it got, the more I realised nothing felt right about it. Always better to be honest.
WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU SAID YES TO?
Writing this piece and collaborating with Ellie on Heyday.
WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO DO WHAT YOU ARE NOW DOING IN YOUR LIFE?
My hand was forced into this way of life, yet I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am slowly carving out a life on my terms and beginning to come into my own, to blossom if you will, after such darkness and struggling. I don’t have it all sussed but I am finding comfort in the new power I have over my life after losing all autonomy. It all stems from the opposite: a catastrophic life-changing day: 27th September 2014. Rob, my then-boyfriend, worked in branding and retail experience, and I worked in fashion product development. We worked hard and travelled a lot for work and play. On the second day of a holiday in Sydney, Rob, suffered a near-fatal brain haemorrhage and stroke. He was 37 and I was 32. To make things more complicated, home and work were in Hong Kong, our families in the UK.
Rob & Syreeta, 2013.
They told me Rob was dying and they had never seen anything like it, let alone anyone survive it, but they would operate. He was given 72 hours to live post-op. But he remarkably pulled through at every stage. Rob was in a coma for three weeks and when he came round he had complete right side paralysis, no speech and was unable to read or write.
He was like a 6ft baby.
We had to start again. On every single level. We lost ourselves, our home, our health, our jobs and identities overnight.
Rob had to learn to swallow and learn to chew, all before greater challenges like learning to stand, walk or talk were to come. All the while, I had to somehow radiate love and keep it together for his sake, to show how everything was going to be ok when it felt like my guts had been ripped out.
I had to hold on to the beauty; his smile when I walked the room, the way he held my hand and even signed and motioned he wanted to learn to kiss again. Rob worked hard on physically getting mobile and learning to speak. To help us get by, I instinctively taught Rob to draw and hold a pen and this opened up his world!
We were stuck in Sydney for three months before Rob’s parents simply wanted him home. We ended back in Rob’s home town of Lincoln. A place he’d left at 18 and never looked back to.
Syreeta in Hong Kong, 2014…
I had been to Lincoln a handful of times, but nothing more than a fleeting visit. I landed in a city with no network, no job, no friends, no family. It couldn’t have been bleaker.
And this is where my story REALLY starts…
I initially kept up my old role, commuting between London, Lincoln and Hong Kong - a mad commute for anyone, let alone after the trauma and situation I was in. But adrenaline and necessity to earn powered me through.
Rob was initially cognitively unaware of time and of me coming and going, so at first it worked. Unconventional yes, but it worked, and I would be home by mid-week spending weekends with him. My boss was happy as long as the work was getting done and orders were rolling in. But as Rob became more aware and was discharged to his parents house, it was distressing both of us for me to be away.
I realised to truly support Rob, I needed to be all in.
After some soul searching, around the year anniversary of Rob’s bleed, I cut all ties with my old life completely and moved in permanently with Rob and his family. That’s when I hit rock bottom. I had slowed down, then stopped and the weight of it all hit me. But it was absolutely the best thing I could have done. We have to feel it all to heal it all, and by keeping busy and on the go, I had been putting off the inevitable.
Grief. It swept over me like a tide of treacle. My life had changed in every single way. Normally folk have one constant to tether themselves to in times of crisis. Or at least have their own home to go to or a job to for consistency.
But we had nothing. We had to start again - again.
I threw myself into project Rob; finding Neuro support, the best doctors, physios and making sure he was engaged and stimulated, working on rehab with him every day. I also started job hunting.
Sadly…Lincolnshire; not my scene at all, and the reality was that my skillset, regardless of whether it was transferable or not, was, unfortunately, no interest to the agricultural industries locally.
I applied for roles further afield too, but my experience seemed to intimidate, or when I explained about our home situation, that I was also a carer, I would suddenly not be a suitable candidate. I ended up temping and working in minimum wage part-time jobs which helped a bit, but did not fulfil my needs, nor earned me enough to support us both.
It couldn’t have got any darker. It was around this time of serious grief, loss and self-doubt, that I found an old sketchbook, it sparked the idea that perhaps I could open my own door.
Moments of sense & style, MOSS, was an idea for a lifestyle store I’d had back in Hong Kong and had doodled about it. I found it at my lowest ebb. It lit something within me; the whispers of my soul, “This will be our answer. This will be my door.”
I had no idea where, or how, to start so simply started blogging. I created a Tumblr, curating imagery, sounds and sharing snippets of our story. This led to the idea of creating product; sensory experiences are integral to brain injury recovery, why not share our story through scent? And candles had been important to me grounding myself when displaced during those three months in Sydney. In each new place we ended up crashing for the night, I created a ritual- I lit a candle to announce my peace and make it homely.
I believed in this idea! And thought it was beautiful.
I found a family-run factory and actioned a small run, just a 100 of each scent, using a small amount of savings I had left. All of this was done from Rob’s parent’s spare room. In a two-bed bungalow. It was far from glamorous nor ideal, but it was a start. It gave me a light in the dark, something to hold on to...
And the candles sold! Ok to friends and family at first, but then they shared them, gifted them and then strangers started to buy from us. Slowly, but surely, word has spread and we’ve evolved organically as a business alongside Rob’s recovery, doing our utmost to get on living as best we can.
HOW MANY THINGS HAVE YOU BEEN IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR?
Daughter, prefect, head girl, supermarket shelf-stacker, A-level dropout, art student, course rep, barmaid, call centre operative, cleaner, textile designer, fabric buyer, office temp, wife, fabric developer, trim and raw materials developer, divorcee, product development manager, footloose and fancy-free, design account manager, wife, carer, founder, mother, TEDTalker, creative consultant, writer.
WHERE DO YOU COME IN YOUR FAMILY, AND DID THIS HAVE ANY INFLUENCE ON YOU?
I am firstborn; it’s shaped me. I have evolved as a natural leader, the capable one, who simply gets things done and is the most pragmatic. My mum was ill when we were young too, and I believe it defined our roles and our manner in more ways than I appreciated at the time.
ARE YOU WHERE YOU WANTED TO BE AT THIS STAGE IN YOUR LIFE?
Yes and no. With everything that happened with Rob, I gave up thinking about the future and life goals, as we grieved for the life we planned; the career paths, the money, the lifestyle. Yet the wants I had that matter have come through. With the least I’ve ever had, I feel rich beyond measure. I am in love with a marvellous man, we are married and I’m now a mum. And I am carving a path of work and life on our terms. None of this was a possibility, it almost never was. Our life is simple, uncomplicated and kind. Ordinary, extraordinary, beautiful...
WHAT IS THE BEST, AND WORST PIECE OF ADVICE YOU HAVE RECEIVED IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR?
Best - “Inch by inch, lines a cinch. Yard by yard, it’s very hard.” A mantra that got me through the painful days of healing and recovery by Rob’s side. It was traumatic, and each day overwhelming. The future was intimidating and we had to focus minute by minute, just to get through. A dear friend of Rob’s shared it with me and I realised it was the only way we could keep the momentum with the huge expanse of unknowns ahead. Just take it inch by inch.
Worst - “It’d be great exposure/PR/opportunity.” It never is, never has been, nor will be. It’s bollocks to give your time and worth for free and I have learned this the hard way.
WHAT DOES MIDLIFE FEEL LIKE TO YOU?
An epiphany. That I am this far in and have navigated the rough and smooth with grace. I am capable and strong, and part of me is content. I am at peace with myself, the flaws and all.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU HAVE DREAMT OF DOING FOR A LONG TIME? ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
Getting in the sea! Since I’ve been back in the UK I have longed to get down to Cornwall, even more so throughout the postpartum fog. And yes! You bet I am going to do it.I am seeking safe options for us to have a few days away. It will happen, just as soon as I can get someone to hold the baby.
HAS THERE BEEN AN EXPERIENCE THAT HAS TRANSFORMED YOUR IDEAS, CHANGED YOUR THINKING OR GIVEN YOU A NEW PERSPECTIVE? AND WHAT CHANGED AFTER THAT?
Yes. Rob’s haemorrhage shattered our lives, the person I was is now fragmented. The whole experience has transformed me and continues to do so. Stripped bare, no masks or things to hide from. I live from a place of truth and beauty now, which isn’t always easy nor full of love and light! But integrity in action, and love in action, is all that matters and I truly believe will make the world a better place if we could all bring that notion home.
IS THERE A MILESTONE YOU ARE WORKING TOWARDS IN YOUR PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL LIFE AT THE MOMENT?
Yes, for my work as a Change Consultant to evolve and grow alongside my role within professional writing. I work intuitively. Combining 15 years design industry experience with the strength and resilience of dealing with our catastrophic life-changing events; I am the ultimate change consultant. Working holistically, I help folk or small businesses identify all the areas of change whilst holding space and guiding them to where they want to be.
Personally, I’d love to not just support us, but for us to thrive as a family and even be in a position to help others. To be comfortable enough to live a little, have a few days break, or even a longer holiday as a family. But also have some time away on my own. Respite is vital and in these strange times, it’s not been possible.
HOW DO YOU THINK THE WORLD OF WORK CAN IMPROVE FOR WOMEN?
By having the flexibility of working hours. For employers to have the compassion and understanding that life is not linear and is complex. To be able to work around caring roles and not be penalised for it would be life-changing. And it has been proven during this lockdown that the working world can adapt, so I’d love to see this shift be permanent.
This should then extend to the marginalised and disabled who have long been told the world is not accessible to them; no to working from home, no to doctors appointments via phone, no to most things. But in three months of able-bodied folk being denied the world, they have proven that anything is possible.
WHAT DO YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME DOING? AND WHAT DO YOU SPEND TOO LITTLE DOING?
For my sins, too much time mindlessly scrolling looking at others lives using social media as a window into the world. It’s not a healthy perspective of reality outside of our wee bungalow. I spend far too little time drawing or creating for self-care or creativity’s sake.
HOW DO YOU CARE FOR YOUR OWN WELLBEING?
I haven’t been the best at that since becoming a mum, but gentle exercise. Daily walks, bathing in nature where I can. A walk in the woods or by the river that runs near our house even if just for ten minutes. Yoga helps, as does meditation. Before baby, I would journal every morning too which is a great cathartic process for keeping steady of mind.
WHAT DO YOU FEEL FREE OF NOW THAT YOU ARE AT THIS LIFE STAGE?
Fear of missing out. And that strange empty feeling where you think you’re alright but realise in fact you’re not, and can quite pinpoint what it is.
WHAT GIVES YOU THE MOST STRESS AT THIS LIFE STAGE?
Not having a pension. The state of the world I brought my son into. From a political, climate and humanity perspective.
DO YOU SLEEP WELL?
I did once, and I am sure I will again (I hope), but right now, no. I have ten-month-old who dislikes sleep and is teething.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU OFFER TO YOURSELF IN YOUR 20’S AND 30’S
20’s - Stay off the pill! And don’t get married. I sleep-walked into situations emotionally, and it felt like I ‘woke up’ as soon as I stopped.
30’s - You’re worthy. Let go of imposter syndrome
DID YOU EVER FEEL LOST IN YOUR LIFE PATH? HOW DID YOU FIND YOUR WAY AGAIN?
Absolutely. Over and over. Just kept trying different versions of myself until something fell into place
WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF?
My resilience, my lust for life no matter what is thrown at me, and my big heart.
WHEN DO YOU FEEL TRULY ALIVE?
In nature. In the sea, up a mountain, or on a walk in the woods. The sensory experiences are grounding, earthing…
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT?
Still smiling throughout all we’ve been through, Rob’s continued progress and our baby boy.
WHAT WAS A MAJOR TURNING POINT IN YOUR LIFE?
Second to Rob’s haemorrhage would be leaving my ex-husband. I gave up being manipulated into being someone’s shadow and found who I was.
ARE YOU A GOOD FRIEND?
I’d like to think so, but the last few years I have been consumed by healing from trauma and being a carer. I am very aware of it, and it does bother me that I may not be. Yet my life is so wildly different from everyone’s it’s been quite isolating. I try my best, and the thoughts are always there, even if it’s just a check-in text.
WHAT IN LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL TO YOU?
Goodness, every tiny beautiful thing. The fact I have a second chance at it!
WHERE DO YOU FIND INSPIRATION?
Dappled sunlight. Breeze in the trees. Inspiration is everywhere, it’s all in our ways of seeing, our ways of looking at things.
ANY REGRETS?
Well I find regrets to be a good thing, as long as you’ve tried at life. I have had a few but ultimately, the regrets have been choices that I wanted at the time. Decisions made with the options I had, doing the best I could. Yet, as much as they are regrets, ultimately they aren’t to be dismissed as they have all shaped me and led me to where I am now. However, if I had to pinpoint one major regret it was staying in a relationship that was domineering and so dictated my twenties. I knew it wasn’t right, but let fear cloud my judgement and was persuaded by him that ‘this is as good as it gets’.
HOW DO YOU DRAW ON YOUR INNER STRENGTH?
Sitting with the problem and the emotion, and trying to distance myself from it in peace and stillness. It’s easier said than done but finding stillness and letting my gut guide me - listening to the voice that doesn’t speak.
KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW NOW, WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
Love. The action. The doing word. The unconditional pure love. That is all there is.
WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL AT HOME?
Rob. He stole my heart and guided me home to myself. He nurtured me and held a mirror up for me. I was floating like an arbitrary piece of junk around the Earth before we met.
FAVOURITE BOOK?
A book I have returned to a lot recently is Grief Is The Thing With Feathers by Max Porter. The themes of loss and grief resonate wildly, and I love the part novella, part poem narrative.
FAVOURITE PIECE OF MUSIC?
Music is part of me and I struggle with identifying just one piece but at this moment I would be Daydreaming by Aretha. It reminds me of the early days of dating with Rob. Goosebumps and summer sounds...
LAST TIME YOU CRIED (TEARS OF JOY COUNT!)...
A few days ago, at the beauty of a documentary on loss and grief filmed at a retreat called The Bridge. I had the chance to attend three years ago to the date this weekend. Watching was a timely and poignant reminder. It brought it all back and reminded me of the hard self-work I have committed to. One of self-love and healing; to be able to use my suffering and pain; love it, love myself, and radiate it out to others.
Syreeta Challinger, in digital conversation with Ellie Balfe, August 2020.
Visit MOSS for more of Syreeta and Rob’s story and creative journey…
not a member yet?
discover heyday & Subscribe to access all content.
join us in conversation
we’d love to hear from you…
