What if We Are Not Okay?

In this article, Ellie and psychologist Allison Keating discuss how women are really feeling at the moment and what to truly do about it…

Ellie

I've been talking with so many of my friends about how we are all feeling these days and while we all proclaim we are 'ok', I'm convinced that most of us are just being polite. I am more interested in digging deeper into our state of being at the moment because if we start concealing our true feelings we all know trouble lies there…

I asked my followers on Instagram how they were ‘really feeling’ in general, along with some other key elements, and I must admit, I found the responses very moving. And worrying. Over 600 women replied and many of them admitted feeling down and not hopeful. All who were parents, said they were very worried about how schools will go back and the prospect of the responsibility of ‘blended learning’ (read: the knowledge that the responsibility of home schooling would lie on the woman’s shoulders, thus reducing available time for their work and wellbeing). The majority, by far, said they were tired. They used words such as ‘depleted’, ‘exhausted’, ‘overwhelmed’, ‘worried’ and ‘extremely stressed’. I asked too, did they feel loved - most said yes, some said they had to think about it, which struck them, and a small few said no.

Food for thought…

With so many worries and uncertainties abounding: will schools go back? Will there be childcare? Will there be a second wave of the virus? Will there be a severe recession that affects our households? Paired with the worries for our parents, our children, our own work lives - it's all so much to handle emotionally and cognitively. I know some days, I personally feel like I am walking through treacle. I am concerned about our cognitive and emotional overload as women in midlife, Allison what can you advise if we're all just not ok?

Allison

Yes, we all know the saying ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ normally bandied about on social media during Mental health Week, but how does that play out in your real day to day life? Who do you turn to, when the shit hit everyone’s fan?

Emotional exhaustion is something I know when someone sits in front of me. It’s carried in their walk, their pained smile and burdened shoulders. Before a word is uttered, I know behind those worried eyes many hours of sleep have been lost, peace of mind is in pieces, and thoughts are burning and whirling around their brain like a greyhound on the track.

This is burnout, and it actually started long before COVID; ask yourself, when were you not tired last?

This is a normal that is not ok.

’Unsustainable’ is the word I’d use to describe where many are at right now. When every part of your life is demanding more from you, it really is an exercise in destruction. Added to this, even though our public faces have a mask on, they have been on for a long time before that.

Be honest; when and where in your life are you letting people into the truth of how you are finding pandemic life?

‘You are doing great’, ‘you are so resilient’ ‘you are so strong’ may be well intentioned but will shut down honest conversations before you even allow yourself to open your mouth and reveal a very different reality.

‘It’s ok to not be ok’ - really? Then why are so many pretending it's business as usual, when it’s not, and how could it be? In fact, stress is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. How could you be ok?

Words are important. Research gives a thumbs-up to cursing, one I’m fully behind, as it gives your brain a much-needed release and it is an honest expression of emotion. However, the two words that can cause a lot of harm are ‘what if’.

‘What if’ I lose my job or my business?
‘What if’ I can’t pay my mortgage?
‘What if’ the kids don’t go back to school or it becomes a pretty unsavoury blended learning concoction?
‘What if’ I get sick? Or my mum, dad, partner, kids, sister, brother, friends, fellow humans (60 k new cases in America in one day this week)…

‘What if?’

I know this feels too much. That is a scary thought.
Ok, deep breath.
One thought at a time.

Grab the biggest page you can find, a pen and a coffee.

Stick ‘you’ in the middle of it. Have a verbal vomit onto the page, don’t hold back, you know you’ll feel better when you do. Write all your worries, fears and worst-case scenarios down. Yes, this is ‘full catastrophe living’, I resisted the name of this at first, but it grew on me. Life is chaotic, how we choose to respond needs to be met and challenged with compassion.

If you are still worried there is more, keep writing. This is a private exercise, not for anyone else’s eyes.
Write: What am I feeling?
Identify the emotion and the subsequent thought.
‘How is that for me?’

Don’t minimise it. Yes, of course others have something else that might be harder, but how the hell does that help you?

Finish out your catastrophizing until the end. Yes, the worst-case scenario.
Now, if that did happen, ask yourself what next?

The ‘what if’ is the killer, it adds to the uncertainty that is in everything at the moment. Bringing your own autonomy back is the antidote, even if the circumstances are outside of your control. How do you choose to face this fear, with acceptance?

Acceptance is a much-misunderstood psychological term, but it’s one that heals a lot. It does not mean that you like it, or want it, it means ‘it is what it is.’ It is the frustration, the lack of productivity within the chaos, the relentless, and quite frankly impossible tasks women set themselves that have us burnt out, but quietly and in silence.

What’s insidious and dangerous about a burn, is that it keeps burning, through the layers of the skin. Invisible, but oh so divisive. How often have you been told to ‘get a thick skin’ or that you are ‘too sensitive’ when someone has been cruel to you?
In a polarised world, nothing is black or white, that type of thinking is a short-cut that misses a huge amount of important information.

Online

We as humans, need to be more humane, to ourselves and with others. The rhetoric of hate that is abounding online lately has come from the top and it is poisonous. Start with yourself - how can you be kind to anyone if you can’t do it for yourself?

Self-compassion and self-soothing are the psychological first aid that is needed. A wonderful TEDTalk by Guy Winch is a great place to start. Notice your mood online, if it is changing and you notice it, set up a Psychological toolbox that works for you. Self-compasion.org has exercises and meditations to get you started in your practice. If it feels too airy-fairy to you, be more compassionate with yourself, think of it like being ‘friendly’ to yourself. Women who are friends are an amazing support to each other, so you know how to do it for others, bring it on back to you.

The true evidence-based essence of friendship is being there for each other when your friend is flying high on the sails of life. ‘Mean girls’ can turn into ‘mean women.’ Being competitive is boring, hurtful and so inherently prohibitive to how you really are. To connect, you need to reveal who and how you are, and that is immensely vulnerable. Very worthwhile, but tough nonetheless. If everyone else looks pandemic perfect the creeping feeling of being ‘not good enough’ and self-doubt and shame climb into your brain.

You have to name it to tame it, do this for yourself first, then share how you are feeling with a trusted friend. Support is needed for all of us, the biggest thing people don’t see is that peoples’ idea of you may be so different to how you feel about yourself privately.

By showing up, as you are, you give others permission to do the same. The freedom and support within this are where we need to pour our time and energy into. We do need a revolution and it starts with you, and me and all of us together.

Ellie Balfe & Allison Keating, July 2020.

Dear readers, how are you really?
Let’s talk to each other in the comments box below…