Warming Up Your Social Muscles

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4 minute read

You can feel the optimism in the air. The evenings are bright and balmy. And now you pass them. Small groups of people in shorts and sunglasses, slightly sunburned gathered in outdoor seating areas, facemasks awry. You hear the laughter first and the pint glasses clink next. A reignition of some semblance of social life has felt like a long time coming. It feels surreal. Yes, there is a great sense of joy, but at the same time, if you’re not thrilled at the prospect of a multitude of coffee dates in your diary and you’re feeling relieved that you can’t actually get a booking anywhere - it’s okay.

If you’re fretting that you might have point-blank forgotten how to interact with others in a way that isn’t awkward or unnatural, you are not alone. Many people polled across media feel the same. Warming up those social muscles, like starting in the gym again after a long period of absence, will take some time to feel normal.

Out of practice

Even though we’re getting vaccinated, there may be a residual fear still lingering which contributes to making social situations stressful. It’s important to note that feeling anxious about this is not the same as having Social Anxiety. Social Anxiety disorder (or Social Phobia) is a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations which usually starts early in life. Feeling anxious about socialising now, when you were fine before the pandemic, is totally normal; it would be strange if you hadn’t given it a second thought because, honestly, we’re all feeling apprehension in varying degrees.

There are some things you can do to help as you tentatively step into a world of connection you knew so well pre-Covid. And the best advice? Start small.

small talk

Casual conversation and chit-chat (something the Irish have down to a fine art) is a great tactic to ease yourself in. The weather, relief at receiving vaccine appointments, the everyday things - kids/ parents/ work are things we all know how to engage with. So start there. It’s not easy to start talking about yourself straight away, so simply asking someone else how they are, or how their mother/brother/kid is and how they got through the past year is a good enough opener. Let it flow from there.

Listen

There’s a cut scene from Pulp Fiction that I always think back to when I’m in a new social situation. In the scene on the DVD extras, Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman) meets Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and the first thing she asks him while trying to suss him out is, “When in conversation, do you listen, or do you just wait to talk?” Vincent thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “I wait to talk, but I'm trying to listen.”

In groups, if you’re feeling anxious, honing in on your listening skills will help. You're picking up on body language (something that we’re all a bit rusty with, thanks to laggy Zoom screens) and allowing yourself to relax. You don’t have to jump in full flow, you can be an observer and just by listening and focusing on the person opposite you, can ease any tension you might be feeling.

Talking points

Reflection is also a good preparatory tactic. Think about the last year and almost rehearse any conversation pointers if you think your nerves may start to overtake you. You know you’ll be asked, “How are you?”, so answer it honestly. Authenticity makes for a good conversation - it feeds both sides and allows each person to be their real selves, rather than wearing a social mask. If you have a good internal script of sorts, it can serve as a guide for navigating social interactions and lead to the more meaningful conversations we all crave right now. As an exercise, how about asking yourself how you really feel you are - and jot down the honest answers. It may sound contrived, but it’s not; it’s a practical way to feel relaxed. We’ve spent so long with so little connection, our social style may take a while to come back to its usual sparkiness. And there’s a little self-reflection and self-awareness available to you too: win-win!

Don’t go if you don’t want to

And finally, overcoming these nerves in social situations is about setting boundaries and being honest and upfront too. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Trust your instinct. According to psychologist Allison Keating, “It’s about being comfortable with setting your own boundaries and doing what you actually think is okay, which is a great way to be about life in general,” Allison continues. “To ask yourself, what am I actually going for? What are my needs? And then figure out, how can I meet my social needs in a way that's comfortable for me?”

“Just remember, you’ll never please everyone. The plus side is that'll actually help you grow as a person. It's good to have open, frank conversations. It's good to actually stipulate what your needs are in a very normal way. I think it's just about figuring out what works best for you. And that's all that matters.”

That said, perhaps we all just need to get back on the horse, so to speak, but to remember our compassion - after all, everyone is feeling the same.

Jennifer McShane, June 2021