The Virtuous Midlife Crisis

6 minute read

The Canadian musician Ed Roberston proclaimed: “I’m having a midlife crisis, so I thought instead of having sex with a stranger, I’d just get a new haircut. It’s good clean fun without all the messy emotional baggage.” While serving as First Lady, Michelle Obama marked her own midlife crisis in a similar fashion; by getting a fringe. “This is my midlife crisis – the bangs,” she said. “I couldn’t get a sports car. They wouldn’t let me bungee-jump. So instead, I cut my bangs.” It turns out the modern way to react to that traditional bump in the midlife road is with positivity and purpose rather than disruption and disorder.

Last year The Wall Street Journal coined the phrase “virtuous midlife crisis” whereby the rules around middle-age malaise are being redefined. “Forget the trappings of the stereotypical midlife crisis: the sports car, the new trophy spouse and general bad behaviour. Now it’s more likely to be yoga, meditation retreats and keto diets,” the article states.

It appears that our generation is forgoing hedonism in favour of hopefulness; mindfulness has replaced lawlessness. I’ve already written about how I took up running and sea swimming at the age of 40. To be fair, it was unlikely I was ever going to go off the rails given that I don’t have a hedonistic bone in my body, yet what’s intriguing to me is the women who’ve lived lives of self-gratification, yet have swapped self-indulgence for self-discipline in their middle years. American actress Bo Derek, for instance, completed an open-water swim in Turkey in 2013, at the age of 56, finishing sixth in her age group. She told USA Today, “It was some kind of midlife crisis for sure. This is the first thing I took on myself as a personal goal, in my whole life!”

Closer to home, a friend of mine admitted that for 20 years she had partied hard (we lived in different countries for most of that time so I wouldn't have seen the reality of her life, only the watered-down version, so to speak). “I drank all the drink going” was how she put it to me. But two years ago at the age of 43, she went teetotal. Now on weekends, she runs, walks, sea-swims, knits, sews, jigsaws and gardens. She has a bird feeder and a nesting box on her balcony. She bakes soda bread every odd day and creates elaborate birthday cakes at any opportunity. She’s more Felicity Kendal in The Good Life than Aisling O’Dowd in Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope.

American cultural critic and author Ada Calhoun maintains that Generation X, in particular, is redefining the midlife experience. She told Oprah.com: “Most...Gen X girls are now women in their 40s and 50s. And for many, things haven’t worked out as they’d hoped. Yes, they may have careers and kids, but a sense of fulfilment eludes them.”

She explains that the first generation to be told it could “have it all” has wound up – perhaps inevitably – disappointed and frustrated. “Women talked about not having the family they wanted, the career they imagined or the money they expected,” she said. Of course, we’re also the first generation to be scourged by images on social media of women who appear to look and live better than we do. And our parents thought keeping up with the Jones’ was tiring?

After decades of being fed what now feels like a false narrative, it makes sense that midlifers today are looking inward for ways to nourish and flourish rather than to any outward influences.

But in a subsequent article written for online publication Forge, Calhoun makes a really interesting point. While “women, in particular, tend to self-care their way out of hard times”, as she phrases it, popular psychology suggests happiness derives from being “other-focused”. She is certain that as humans we are hardwired to crave connection. It is these meaningful interactions with others that give our lives context and purpose rather than running a marathon or replacing lamb with lentils twice a week.

Forty-year-old reality TV star Kim Kardashian is a case in point. She announced in 2019 that she was training to be a lawyer and hoped to qualify in 2022. She told American Vogue: “I wanted to fight to fix [the system], and if I knew more, I could do more”. Social justice has become her midlife mission.

Calhoun’s assertion really resonated with me because as I mentioned in my previous article about picking up sport in midlife, it was the sense of camaraderie and connection with the other swimmers at Seapoint and the like-minded early-rising runners at UCD that really gave me the fundamental feel-good factor. Fulfilment came from joining these communities and feeling as if I belonged. Would I have had the same rush of adrenaline had I been swimming or running alone each time? I doubt it.

Similarly, so much of the satisfaction my friend derives from her new lifestyle is down to the little interactions her hobbies give rise to – chats in the garden centre, passing the time of day with other dog-walkers, small talk with fellow swimmers – as well as the random acts of kindness which someone who loves to make and bake inevitably performs. As well as having discovered new talents and interests, her days are peppered with casual but genuine interactions with others.

As someone who has either failed – or chosen not to – tick all of the traditional boxes women are “supposed” to have ticked in midlife – husband, children, 3-bed semi, pensionable job, financial security – I understand what it’s like to feel as if you’ve somehow let yourself down by the time you’ve hit your middle years. I should be a multi-hyphen, career-and-child-juggling superwoman, shouldn’t I? That’s what our generation was brought up to believe.

And while indulging in a candle-lit bubble bath may ease my post-exercise aches, I know it won’t make me feel happier on those days when I believe the worst things I think about myself. And I’m sure of this because I’ve tried it often enough. However, chatting with, and listening to, my sister, a colleague from Heyday, or one of my best friends will leave me believing I have loads to offer and plenty to look forward to in midlife and beyond.

Bubbles and bathwater may soothe my limbs, but the women I value nourish my soul.

And soul-destroyed is how many of my peers would describe their worst midlife moments; those days when their energy is low, their emotions heightened, and pressures at work and home are bubbling over. Calhoun makes a really good point. While mindfulness, self-care and wellbeing – whatever you like to call it – offer rest and repose, they shouldn’t flip our focus inward entirely at this time in our lives. The virtuous midlife crisis is about being good to ourselves and to others because that’s when we feel both present and purposeful.

The Virtuous Midlife Crisis

6 minute read

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