8 minute read

I can be quite a chaotic individual. In fact, I think I sort of thrive on chaos at times - I’m that kind of person who runs and runs on my adrenalin stores, forgetting to eat, getting crazy creative and weirdly productive, but then, soon after - the crash - burnout.

When my mind is wide open and I’m on the run, I physically relate to that phrase about firing on all cylinders. It’s constant output. Constant sparking. Constant pouring myself outwards towards others who need me, or projects to create. I say yes to most things, for fear of disappointing another’s plans. I say yes a lot when I should really say no. Now, aged 46, I know myself well enough, at last, to recognise that I am a people pleaser and an empath - and dreadful at setting boundaries. A disastrous combination, it must be said.

The thing is, that whilst I feed and run and naturally gravitate towards the busy parts of myself - identifying fully with the disorganised creative personality type, I am also the opposite. Call it Yin and Yang, my Gemini nature, or just a basic theory of opposing forces attracting, but I need stillness and silence like I need air.

It took me years to know I had to feed that need first, or I would not feel well. Running on empty, is fine in your 20’s, even for at least half of your 30s, but over time it depletes on a level much more serious, much deeper affecting your conscious mind, causing worry and stress and that never-good-enoughness of Imposter Syndrome.

Over time, whilst running and crashing, running and crashing, I have learnt two things to be true: that inner peace is the goal and that ritual is the path. Constantly giving, creating, feeding, supporting and facilitating leaves nothing behind, so if we are to be strong in both body and mind, we must reverse-engineer our now-too-fast natures and fall into some self-focussed silence.

I do this two ways: through learning to meditate and through the ritual of my skincare regime. In both, it can be said I hold up a mirror to myself. One physically, one metaphorically - same result: stillness, self-care and more recently, self-love.

Moving from the fast brain to slow brain, as I think of it, requires a physical process to literally cut through and create space. And simple ritual does just that. I find the stages of skincare so completely soothing now that I relish my Biologique Recherche time in the bathroom. Also, as I set up my meditation spot, I become a sort of peaceful giddy before I begin - it’s hard to explain, but it’s the prospect of feeling good, as I know I will, that makes me feel happy in advance.

Before I meditate, I prepare my space. I take out my crystals and I hold them, feeling with my instinct which ones I want to hold as I surrender into my breathwork. I light a candle - something about that feels reverent, it feels right to bring light. Sometimes I burn Palo Santo, known as Holy Wood from Peru, or other times I spray a WellDoubleL Good Vibes spray through the air if I feel I need a more perky, positive atmosphere than a deeper, more contemplative mode. For all of it, I have learnt to trust what my gut tells me to do. Then I just sit.

I cross my legs, sitting upright, but leaning back into a soft pillow, and my eyes close down. I take the deepest breath I’ve taken that day, hold it, and let it out long.

And then I’m just there, I just breathe, I let thoughts fall away as much as I can, or if some come, I view them as the sea, ebbing and flowing, coming and going. Nothing is sticking to me - I allow all the waves.

And so, just like that, I am learning peace.

I feel a similar settling down of my fast self when I take myself away to my bathroom each morning and evening. For years, when I was always rushing and cramming things into my days, I used face wipes on my skin and my skin hated them. It looked dull, dehydrated and devoid of vitality until I decided to treat my skin with some respect, finding a Biologique Recherche practitioner to take my face in their hands, literally. At the start I was put off - seven steps they advised me, seven products by day and by night! I said “yes, of course, I’ll do it” as I walked out of the salon, politely people-pleasing all the way until I realised on the way home that the person I was supposed to be pleasing was me. I took the first step to get my skin in order, now the next seven steps had to be mine too. Twice per day.

And so I did it. I committed to soothing my overly sensitised skin. Morning and evening I applied all the steps, laying all the products out and applying them as I was taught to. Three things happens - I learnt it by heart, I came to love it and my skin began to look better than it ever had.

I created a private ritual just for me. With doors closed, I cleansed and massaged my skin, looking deep into my own eyes in the mirror as I did it. There’s something that happens when you pay close attention to your reflection over time. You move past the things you don’t like and see more of the full you. You see more of what’s inside you, of who you are, not what you look like. It’s a little transcendent, and I’m sure that feels mad to you now, but I dare you to try it to see what you feel. Get some skincare steps to follow and carve out the time. Be alone in the bathroom, you can even bring wine!

As women, we’ve spent so much time masking ourselves to please others. Now we should apply masks to our faces to please only us! I say that quite lightly, but trust me, there’s much more at stake here. Wellness is taking care of yourself and finding the things that support you. There is beauty in ritual, there is beauty in wellbeing. Find the things that work for you and only you.

P.S. for my wellbeing, I also now say no.

Ellie Balfe, September 2021