The Great Unlearning

Image byAmir Geshani, published with thanks.

If this week has shown us anything, it is that now it is time to look in the mirror. Now it is time to look deep into our very soul, to our innards, to our deepest, darkest places and see what is there. To see what lies beneath the surface of what we put out into the world on a daily basis.

This week has been harrowing on many levels. Emotionally we are toiling, spiritually we are suffering, outwardly we are struggling; not knowing what to say - how to speak. There is a huge amount of performative pressure on social media to say the right thing. To show up in the ‘correct’ way. Judgement abounds. Everywhere.

The result of that is people staying mute for too long, when it is their voices we need to learn from too. The way of learning is myriad. It is also via the experiences of others that we can learn from ourselves. Even the bumbling learners taking wobbly baby steps provide lessons.

I am an advocate for the flawed, but present people. I consider myself one of those. I am here and learning to unlearn. I am not doing it ‘right’ by many people’s standards, of that I am sure. But we are old enough to know to give ourselves compassion for the journey. We are old enough to know we need compassion for the journey.

I am flawed. You are flawed. I am working. You are working. I am trying. You are trying.

We are learning.

Grace for me. Grace for you.

Let’s work.

***

I read a line that struck me this week, it said, ‘if diversity is a fact, inclusion is an action’, I took this to mean that with all this learning we do, it holds no water if there is no action after it. It is that specific action that we may struggle with - mental and emotional shifts need to be transformed to real-world results.

So how?

Well, let’s look go back to those bumbling baby steps I mentioned and perhaps you’ll allow me to suggest some pointers that have been helping my thought process evolve lately...

Widen your lens. Diversify your social media feed. Change the whitewashed optics. Follow people who are different from you. Buy from diverse, inclusive brands, listen to new music, read different books. We all know the danger of an echo chamber, and there’s a lot of that right now. Open your mind by properly seeing others.
Be aware of your privilege. Analyse it. Get deep and get uncomfortable. It’s meant to feel that way. True awareness hurts along the way. Nobody ever said enlightenment was easy. Get still and inhabit it.
Ask questions. There is no shame in ignorance. However, there is shame in ignoring it. Ask about what you don’t know. Talk to people openly. Ask the most important of all questions; ‘will you tell me about yourself?’ and ‘how can I help?’. Then listen. Then help.
Don’t assume. We can’t ever know how someone is feeling or what they are experiencing if they don’t tell us. Guesswork isn’t accurate action. Do you ever assume someone is gay, cognitively different to you, in a couple or not, able-bodied or not, a certain gender or religion? We all do that. That’s our unconscious biases again: we think we sense someone’s identity markers and we are often wrong. The phrase, ‘as you all know’ when addressing a group is an assumption. It leaves some people out and stops them from asking what they need to ask. It’s the ingrained language like that that can exclude when you thought you were including. Addressing a group as ‘ladies, gents, guys, girls’...That’s an assumption. Language is important. Think about it.
Ask better questions of yourself. How much do I know about this situation? How much do I know about people with different lives to mine? Am I doing enough to educate myself on the experience of others? Am I the right person to speak here? Does this conversation need my voice or that of another?There is wisdom in knowing it’s not all about you or your opinions. There is eloquence in listening.
Don’t perform - participate. There is a lot of noise out there on social media; people loudly ‘learning’. Growth comes silently too; the end result is the same. Try not to be intimidated on your path by those shouting orders. There is a rage behind those people that is not a part of tolerance; something deep-seated and aggressive. Harness higher energy, move through this at your own pace.
Teach your kids. Those of us who are parents can directly help the future by opening our children’s minds. The openness of their minds reduces the oppression of the future. The Native Americans used to consider ‘seven generations ahead’ in all governmental, societal and familial decision making - it is this future-proofing we need now. It may be a cliché but the future is made at home. And our little people are already more open-minded and tolerant than us Generation X’ers ever were, especially in Ireland. Their communities are already rainbow. It’s up to us to evolve these open hearts. Whilst they still look to us for their overall affirmation, it’s up to us to approve this particular message. This one’s on us.
Stand up obviously. This is the hard one. This is the real-world agency that takes us past our internal boundaries of shyness. This is the real work though - the direct action of publicly defending those who need it. A kid being bullied, a black man being harassed on a bus, women of colour being spoken to badly? Counter it. Challenge it out loud. Raise the roof if you need to. Care for them.
Michelle Obama said, ‘when they go low, we go high’. So go high.

This great unlearning and subsequent relearning is not a small undertaking. It is the intense, considered, long-term action behind diversity. It is both the greatest and the very least we can do.

There was an Instagram post doing the rounds this week and its tone was spot on in terms of tolerance, it said:

“Some are posting on social media.
Some are protesting in the streets.
Some are silently donating.
Some are educating themselves.
Some are having tough conversations with friends and family.
A revolution has many lanes - be kind to yourself and to others who are travelling in the same direction.
Just keep your foot on the gas.”

Let’s rise to the challenge and look in our mirrors, turning them eventually to transparent glass we can all see clearly through.

Be the change. Stay the path.

Ellie Balfe, June 2020.