On Taking their Name (or not)

When my eldest sister married in 1991, I was bitterly disappointed that she took her husband’s name as I felt strongly that it was an archaic and anti-feminist practice. I was 16 at the time and of course, at that age, life is beautifully black and white. There’s right and wrong, one side or the other, good and bad. There are no annoying nuances or confusing subtleties to trip you up or leave you sitting on the fence in a type of paralysis. As I’ve moved into midlife I’ve become less judgemental, and all of my experiences to date have demonstrated very clearly that life is more like a piece of modern art than an old masterpiece. It can be messy, confusing and difficult to understand. Things are not always what they seem, and our ideas are merely subjective interpretations, not definitive assessments.

The legacy of passing women from their fathers to their new husbands in the same manner as property is where this tradition of adopting a fiancé’s name originates. Up until the late 19th-century women ceded all property rights to their husbands on getting married. A woman was either a member of her father’s household or her husband’s, and her surname reflected which one. This is what rankles with many women today, of course – the fact that a practice which was born out of women’s subordination to men persists in an era of unprecedented freedoms for women. But it persists because enough women support it, not because it’s a legal requirement, and that is, of course, every woman’s choice. Perhaps this is what makes it such a thorny issue.

Once women had to take their husband’s name, now they don’t, so why would they?

Statistics on the percentage of women in Ireland who hold onto their maiden name are difficult to come by. Anecdotally, one of my sisters did, the other didn’t. Neither of my sisters-in-law took the name Kelly (although one is Dutch and it’s not the cultural norm there), and of my four closest friends, one took her husband’s name and the others did not. So far, so predictable. But according to a 2016 survey in the UK, almost 90% of women took their husband’s name that year, and the majority of 18-34-year-olds did too.

Whether you favour the practice or not, that’s a pretty surprising set of results I would have thought. I think many women of a certain vintage expected the patriarchal practice to die out as women gained their independence. But the findings of a 2017 study published in the journal Sex Roles suggest one reading of why the status quo hasn’t changed all that much. They revealed that men whose wives do not take their name are perceived as less masculine and as having less power within the relationship. According to Rachael Robnett of the University of Nevada, who led the study, “A woman’s marital surname choice...has implications for perceptions of her husband’s instrumentality, expressivity and the distribution of power within the relationship.” In 2020, do men still feel undermined if their wives don’t take their name? Do women take their husband’s name in order to massage their egos? Is it to avoid an argument? Is it simply not as important to many women as it is to most men because they carry their father’s name anyway? Is it because women enjoy tradition? Permission from a father to wed his daughter is still sought by many men and encouraged by the women they plan to marry, and daughters still want their fathers to “give them away”. The friend of mine who changed her name after marrying was very proud that her husband-to-be asked her father’s permission to marry her, as she considered this the correct way to go about things. If any man had ever asked my Dad’s permission to marry one of his four daughters, he would have kindly told them to go ask the daughter in question instead. Different strokes for different folks.

Perhaps it’s just the simple case that some women prefer their partner’s name. A former colleague of mine took her Spanish husband’s surname because she loved how exotic it sounded. Perhaps other women simply fancy a change, especially if they’re marrying in midlife. Although I have no plans to ever marry, if I did decide to, I might be tempted to cast off the name Marie Kelly and everything that it represents in my mind and take the opportunity to reinvent myself. Especially if the surname on the table offered a more lyrical combination than Marie and Kelly; perhaps if it was alliterative and rolled smoothly off my tongue I might be sorely tempted. For many women, I imagine it comes down to whether or not they like the sound of their own name more or less than their husband’s. In my twenties, I would have viewed the issue as a purely feminist one, but in my forties it becomes less about politics and more about personal preference, and I think that’s the case for most women – it’s not about dogma but about what feels right for you at this point in your life. Feminism is all about choice after all. What I never knew until I began researching this article is that in many countries it is actually illegal to take your husband’s name. According to an article in Time magazine, provincial law in Quebec forbids a woman from taking her husband’s name after marriage. The same applies in Greece and Belgium, while in The Netherlands, a woman can only change her name under special circumstances.

My sister still carries her husband’s surname 15 years after they separated, but it’s not something that bothers her. She never felt particularly emotional about our family name or her husband’s. The name is just letters on envelopes with windows, and nothing more. If I could have chosen whether to take my father’s or mother’s maiden name, I would have chosen the latter (sorry Dad). Marie White has a nicer ring to it I think and my personality aligns much more closely with my mother’s side of the family than my father’s – I’m a White not a Kelly as my mother would say. That wouldn’t have been a feminist choice on my part just a more fitting one. I wonder too if celebrity culture has influenced women’s ideas about marital surnames as much as it has what they eat and wear and how they exercise. In 2013, Beyoncé called her world tour “The Mrs Carter Show” in reference to her marriage to Jay-Z Carter. Despite all their talk of girl power, The Spice Girls’ Victoria Adams became Victoria Beckham and Geri Halliwell became Geri Horner; then there’s Amal Clooney, Hailey Bieber, Salma Pinault and Portia DeGeneres to name but a few – a mixture of millennials and midlifers.

I think Portia DeGeneres (formerly de Rossi) put her finger on it when she explained why she was taking girlfriend Ellen’s name after they married, “I made up my name because I thought it was important to be independent of my family… As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised the importance of belonging…” It’s human nature to want to belong, and I think even negative, patriarchal associations evaporate in front of an opportunity to feel fully connected with another human being. If a name-change helps you feel that, then great. It’s all about context really. While many straight women will view taking a husband’s name as old-fashioned, for a lot of gay women it’s an entitlement they thought they might never achieve. It’s the emotional equivalent of one person’s trash being another person’s treasure, just like a piece of modern art.

Marie Kelly, August 2020.

What are your thoughts? Tell us in the comments below…