Stay Separate, Stay Together

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9 minute read time

What if the secret to a happier relationship with your one and only lied in strengthening your differences and each of you becoming more ‘you’? This is exactly what pioneering marriage and sex therapist Dr. David Schnarch says in his world-renowned work on long term relationships, sexual satisfaction, and monogamy.

I first came across Dr Schnarch’s work twelve or so years ago when a girlfriend recommended his book ‘Passionate Marriage’ in response to my sharing some of the difficulties I was having in my marriage. Despite the title, it’s not actually a how-to manual for hot sex in any traditional sense – if there is such a thing. Not that I was actually looking for one, although we’ve had certainly highs and lows in that department, this book gets to something deeper, the quest for Self in a relationship. Say wha?

navigating gridlock

The fundamental idea goes something like this: during courtship and the early stage of a relationship, we tend to present our best selves, be understanding and flexible, and validate each other. When disagreements come up, they get handled, otherwise, couples wouldn’t stay together. But over time you become less and less okay with compromise as the thrill of a new relationship wears off, you become more familiar and infatuation wears off. The self that you were so willing to mould around your partner’s shape (desires, preferences etc.) becomes more dominant and you’re less willing to go along and get along about things that really matter to you.

This is when intractable conflicts set in, the kind that interferes with your sex life. Whatever the disagreement is, money, in-laws, travel plans, covid protocols, it becomes about defining yourself in the relationship perhaps even more than the original issue. This when emotional gridlock sets in; you can’t give an inch because it feels like you would be giving up part of yourself and your partner feels the same. There’s no way out, or through, just like a traffic jam you’re gridlocked and your sex life takes a dive.

The good news is that overcoming gridlock (and improving your sex life such that it’s not affected as much by conflict) is possible and is part of what Dr Schnarch calls the ‘people growing machinery of marriage.’ In other words, if you hang in there in good faith and do the difficult work of confronting yourself about your tendencies, biases, wounds etc. AND focus on maintaining a positive relationship with your partner, big shifts can happen over time. It comes down to this: you can either live in low-grade war with your partner or do the hard work of growing up and taking responsibility for yourself and have a better relationship in the process.

Of course, truth be told we all want the better relationship without the hard work of looking in the mirror, but alas.

A note on terminology, the word ‘marriage’ is used by Dr Schnarch to refer to long term committed relationship between two people of any sexual orientation and gender, a useful shorthand if you will, and I follow suit.

Seeking Self-Sovereignty

So what’s going on? Why did I say that the key to a happier relationship is focusing on maintaining, and even enhancing, your individuality while simultaneously staying connected to your partner and putting in the effort to grow the relationship? It turns on a word called ‘differentiation’ which is the ability to hold onto your sense of self even in the face of disagreement and disapproval from others. When you’re well-differentiated, you're able to disagree and stay connected, you don’t need to cut off contact with the other person to stabilize yourself. But you also don’t bend yourself out of shape and violate your integrity for the sake of keeping the peace. You’re able to be your own best advocate and not retreat to wars of attrition to maintain your position.

If you’re not sure what I’m mean, think about the last time you had a row with your significant other about an issue you both feel very strongly about. Maybe it ended up with one of you storming off, or name-calling, or throwing something, followed by stony silence for hours or even days? Maybe even physical or emotional violence? All types of behaviour typical of gridlock and detrimental to happiness and overall relationship satisfaction.

It’s not that conflict is bad per se, it’s how you handle conflict that matters. And this where handling yourself comes in.

The key is holding onto yourself during the conflict, particularly when your spouse pressures you to cave. Tricky. Self-mastery is the name of the game, the ability to maintain your centre and not spin out and if you do lose your cool, to come back to centre before too much damage is done. This requires lots of self-effort and persistence but the rewards are great, I can tell you that from experience. My husband and I are both quite fiery and passionate with definite ideas about things. I’m short-tempered and impatient whereas he’s patient and generally even-tempered but when he loses his temper, run for cover and stay awhile!

The good news is that over time we have both changed and become less volatile and prone to pressing each other’s buttons. It’s not that we don’t have conflict, we’re just better at dealing with it and it doesn’t go on for ages. And, conflict in one area doesn’t bleed out in every interaction as it used to. This took a lot of work. A lot of commitment and a significant dash of good humour. Oh yeah, and our marriage counsellor!

Dr Schnarch became my self-appointed relationship guru. I have literally read ‘Passionate Marriage’ so much, and used it as a reference to work through my own growth, that the cover is falling off! He emphasises that holding onto yourself (being more of an autonomous individual) requires self-regulation, managing your emotional and physical equilibrium.

The more you’re able to self-regulate, the less potential for damage. This goes for your partner also, but here’s the rub: none of us can make our growth and self-mastery contingent on our partner’s willingness to also evolve.

This seems unfair but is ultimately empowering. When you raise your level of differentiation, in other words, become more autonomous, more sovereign in yourself regardless of what’s going in your relationship, you have more freedom and become a more resilient and solid partner. And paradoxically you can be a better partner because you’re not making your mood entirely dependent on your partner.

The more grounded in your individuality you become, the more balanced you are and the more you can bring to the relationship but also you don’t completely fall apart if things feel a little distant. You don’t want or need constant togetherness because you’re confident in your own self and know that relationship thrives when each partner is a distinct person who has a solid sense of self and doesn’t need to be constantly validated by the other.

It’s not that connection and emotional support don’t matter, to the contrary. But in healthy relationships, each person can stand on their own two feet and lean into the relationship for support and sustenance without demanding it. Without compulsion, the support we want and sometimes need from our partners is much more likely to be freely given.

Emotional Fusion

The opposite of differentiation is emotional fusion. When you are fused with your partner your sense of self is highly contingent on what’s happening in the relationship and you don’t have emotional autonomy during stressful times. Any conflict can throw you off course and it’s your maladaptive efforts (which we all have) to get yourself back on track that cause problems. Think stonewalling for example. Stonewalling is when you withdraw from contact to protect yourself and deal with your inability to get back to a positive space with your partner, it can take the form of physically withdrawing or going silent and staying silent even when your partner attempts to reconcile.

This was a huge one for me when I learned about it and recognised that I did it a lot. When my husband and I used to have bad arguments, it would often end with him walking away and going into another room and I would eventually calm down but secretly go over and over the details of what happened in my head and self-righteously hold onto my hurt and feeling of being the wronged party. I would go silent and stay silent for a long time, even when my husband tried to move on I clung to my moral high ground and inability to dis-identify with my feelings.

When I realised what I was doing and how it impacted my husband, I was shocked by my own lack of consciousness and my heart broke a little when I thought about how much I had hurt him. And I started to change because I realised I had to take responsibility for my own sovereignty and my emotional maturity. If I wanted a happier marriage, I needed to do better with conflict and to stop looking to him to validate my position, even if he opposed it.

I can’t speak for him but I do know that our relationship is much less turbulent and I know that I’m much more solid in my own self. I’m better able to calm down when we get into conflict, better at soothing myself.

Self-soothing

Self-soothing (another gem from Dr Schnarch) is learning how to ameliorate physiological shifts in response to conflict. Your pulse quickens, you feel adrenalized, your system starts to become flooded with sensation. This is to time to slow your breath, concentrate on listening more and speaking slowly and be your own best advocate. If you’re drinking alcohol, you may want to switch to water because alcohol lowers inhibitions and loosens your tongue. If things escalate, it might even be necessary to ask to drop the subject and come back to it at a later time, or if that’s not possible, leave the room. If you’re unable to soothe yourself when you’re angry or upset, you’re more likely to say or do something you’ll later regret.

Self-soothing and regulating, becoming less reactive and more individuated, letting go of the need to be right and holding your partner in positive regard. Refraining from blowing up and losing your cool when you’re under stress and feel entitled to. These are all hard-won life skills. It takes tremendous work to grow yourself as a sovereign person and the training ground is all around you.

The whole of life is giving you the opportunity to polish the jewel of your Self. Relationships are a particularly fertile arena, and your partner likely won’t pass up the opportunity to give you pointers. Polishing the jewel is optional and there can be some less than pleasing reflections, but sometimes, when you polish it with just the right amount of pressure and loving care, what you see is really beautiful. A recognition to make you smile.