Start where you are, with what you have…

The past month has been peak 2020. My trusty laptop has decided it's time and keeps shutting down. Not ideal when right now, most of us are living life virtually - every minute of the day glued to our tech. Last weekend, it shut down completely. No amount of caressing or cursing was going to bring it back to life. It felt like my right arm had been severed. I wasn't completely offline, as I still had my phone, but the loss was tangible. I was going through a myriad of emotions, for this wonder of science is how I work, how I provide for my family. Not just through earning but with the weekly food shop too. Not to forget the medication management, bills, nursery updates, hospital communications, every facet of life. The stark reality that our entire lives rely on the device I type on right now. Not only that, but my new podcast project relies on it too.

This is something new that I am so delighted and scared to be doing all at once. The anxiety of being without my laptop amplified the voice of fear, shame and doubt giving me a perfect storm to allow my negative niggle to take hold and say, ‘it's ok, no need to do this one, stay safe in the harbour’. Fierce emotions started to rise. I slowly recognised the feeling of grief and loss of control, with no autonomy over any aspect of my day-to-day. It took me straight back to the beginning.

To the day things changed with Rob's haemorrhage. Incredible how the body keeps the score, how something so simple, can sideswipe us back into the tide of grief. For those of you who have read my pieces before, you will know I share this a lot. There is no escaping that fateful event. It hangs over me like a Charlie Brown rain cloud, following every twist and turn I take. Not always with a mournful downpour, sometimes it brings rays of glorious sunshine too, yet it’s there. Always there. The physicality and fear was becoming tangible. The discomfort rising, I wasn’t sure why I was feeling so out of sorts.

Then I made the connection; change. Newness and unknowns. I tuned in. Listening to signs, recognising that this was where my soul was getting interested and finding peace. The fear was coming from people-pleasing; wondering if I was enough, or whether I was ready and had enough to get started.

Embracing the feeling of knowing the unknowing, I relished in the fact that this situation was fixable, that doing something new will always feel this turbulent and uneasy. That this is where we are all living now; a state of flux where we are surrendering to the unknown. Where whisperings of the soul, the craving to try something, to make a change start to rise, and where there is no need to feel shame or be apologetic for dreams or desires. The pep chat I gave myself through this I wish to share with you, in case you have something new or unknown ahead. Or if you just need to hear it.

There is never a right time. There will never be a perfect scenario. Be right where you are. Breathe. Ground. Be still. Let the heartbeats sound, and sound loud. The beat to your drum.

As Hunter S Thompson stated: “Anything that gets your blood racing is probably worth doing.”

So. Start here, right now, where you are. Go lightly, move gently. It will be ok. It won't be perfect, you don't need more; you are enough. You have everything you need. Work with what you've got. All the brilliance and warmth and wonder is all there. All the guilt and worries we put upon ourselves, the heavy bearing that we’re bad and only hoping that we’re good, is divested energy. By clinging to absurd visions of ourselves, we’re clouding our paths, like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we are. It’s time to shine. Make that start. You're trying. You're moving, keep momentum. Listen to signs, notice your body, what is really of interest - that will bring an exhilarating peace.

Keep one foot in front of the other, even if inch by inch. Know that your grace, your beauty will guide you through. This will be your light, navigating this new path in the shadows. And enjoy what you have in this very moment. Focus on the destination and you’ll miss the learnings and beauty along the way.

It’s not about where you’re headed either, it’s more about just aiming in the right direction, whilst always tuning in to your inner wisdom, your inner compass. Keep moving. Keep momentum. As Maya Angelou said, “Courage – you develop courage by doing small things like just as if you wouldn’t want to pick up a 100-pound weight without preparing yourself.”

So, try. Even when it all feels heavy, even when your soul is weary, keep on. This is your time. There is work to be done. No matter how slowly, how brutal. There are no rules.

Time and space are a construct we can freely navigate without permission. Go forth, feel your way through. In truth, none of us are ever ok. But we all get through somehow. There’s a need for humility surrounding who we are and where we are; know it’s ok to push past our self-inflicted boundaries. To consciously push ourselves out of our own way. There’s no one left to please, but yourself. Yes, you can.

There are no signs, nor is the destination marked on any map. True places never are.