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To describe 2020 as ‘challenging’ would clearly be an understatement. I don’t think anyone needs further explication and I know I’m not alone when I say that much of last year I felt like I was surviving rather than thriving. Let me put it right out there that I’m privileged, I’m healthy, in a stable marriage, have a home and all my basic needs are met. That’s a big deal right now as we near the end of this annus horribilis. So why have I struggled with flourishing? And what exactly is flourishing?

Writing in the 3rd century BCE, the Greek philosopher Aristotle stipulated that flourishing is a pre-condition of happiness. We are happy because we flourish, rather than we flourish because we are happy. A rich and meaningful life with social interaction and time for contemplation is central to Aristotle’s idea. We could bring it into today’s way of thinking by saying that flourishing requires fulfilling relationships, time to think about what you value, and being connected to yourself in a way that’s meaningful.

Happiness is inextricably linked to self-awareness and to having goals and interests, reasons to get up every day. The meaning you ascribe to your life matters less than that you need to have meaning to find life satisfactory, which explains why people have managed to thrive in extraordinarily difficult circumstances like concentration camps and prisons. Those who came out of such ordeals psychologically intact managed to find meaning in their lives, and somehow maintained a positive outlook in the midst of acute stress and suffering. Their superior functioning, expressed in their resilience and ability to deal with stress, allowed them to excel where many of us would wither.

In her book, ‘Flourishing’ Irish psychologist Maureen Gaffney says “Flourishing means having the capacity to rise to the challenges of life while maintaining a high level of positive feelings.”

This is all very well and good but how do we cultivate positivity, particularly during periods of ongoing stress and uncertainty? When I think of the people I most admire they are all positive in the face of struggles and keep going when things are tough without constantly complaining. They seem to be winning at life, to exhibit a type of self-mastery. Gaffney tells us that being challenged is intrinsic to being your best self. If you stop and think about it for a moment, you might find that the times when you’ve lived up to your potential, or stretched in ways beyond what you thought possible, were times you were really flourishing. Times like this you feel like you could take on the world and stretch yourself to new capabilities.

I know that I definitely feel I am maximizing my potential when I’m meeting a challenge, it makes me feel connected to a part of myself that’s vital and necessary. Some part of me that makes me me. Case in point, in 2014 I lead a yoga and music retreat in Kerry with my husband and Irish musician Rónán Ó Snodaigh from Kila. The attendees were American and German, and the trip was a really big deal for them. It took months of preparation and detailed planning, from booking coach transfers from Dublin to Kerry to hotel reservations, menu planning, liaising with the retreat location in Kerry, booking a Seannachai, coordinating sight-seeing trips etc.

The trip was a huge success. Everything lined up, the weather was glorious, the food delicious, the music sublime. The Seannachai took us to faraway time and place as he weaved his stories in his thick Kerry accent and captivated us all. A couple of people told me it was the best holiday of their lives and one of the participants broke down in tears as he described finally understanding the Irish part of his Irish American identity. He discovered a part of himself in the land and realized that he had come home in a way he couldn’t have foretold. I was in my element. In fact, an American friend who was on the trip told me that I looked completely different in Ireland than I do in the US, that I shone more brightly in some ways.

But there were significant stresses too. The bus broke down twice on the way from Dublin to Kerry and what should have been a seven-hour journey turned to an epic voyage of fourteen hours involving waiting by the side of the road somewhere in the middle of nowhere for a replacement coach and having to pay for dinner and drinks for the entire group to keep good humour intact. Eventually, we rolled into furthest west Kerry in the early hours but spirits were high, and I good-humouredly held the space for everyone.

And there were other stresses. I was the go-to person for everything on the retreat, as well as the yoga teacher and main facilitator. I was up first in the morning to make sure the coffee and tea were going and in bed last. I was ‘on’ the whole time. I actually got a little bit sick from the stress but I was still having a brilliant time. The ability to bring a group of people to my home country and pull off a week with no real conflict and everything going right, from the weather to a trad session in a pub by the sea in Kerry, to morning yoga and an afternoon trip to Skellig Michael made me feel really good about myself. Yes, it was an enormous amount of effort, but it was incredibly gratifying, and I had to up my game to rise to the challenges.

This gets at something Gaffney discusses in her book. An essential component of flourishing is using your ‘valued competencies,’ the talents and strengths that you value in yourself, bringing forth your best self.

Teaching yoga on the retreat allowed me to do something that I’m really good at and have invested years of my life in honing my skill level. Planning and producing the retreat I had to broaden my skill base and bring some of my best qualities forward. Doing so was immensely rewarding and I really felt like I was winning at life.

We’re talking about a robust conception of happiness here, one that requires pre-frontal cortex activity. Quick science lesson: the neocortex is the newest part of the brain and is only seen in mammals. It’s responsible for executive functioning, things like empathy, thinking about consequences, self-conception and self-reflection. This is the part of the brain that doesn’t become fully developed until we are in our twenties, which is why teenagers are notoriously bad at thinking about the consequences of their actions. They also don’t really have a nuanced conception of happiness or thriving. That (hopefully) comes later as we become more reflective and self-aware.

Before you lose the thread of why I’m talking about brain anatomy let me land the plane here. In order to flourish you need to feel connected to yourself, have a sense that you are living your best life. You need to feel challenged, interested and engaged. Being connected to your purpose is essential to flourishing.

This is why anyone who has endured the boredom of a job that provides no stimulation knows exactly what it feels like to survive rather than thrive.

You are the only one who really knows what your best life is and that knowledge accrues from self-knowledge. Flourishing necessarily requires embracing those parts of us that make us distinctively who we are but also expanding our capacities to grow and evolve towards our potential. In a way it’s like leaning into yourself, using your trusted skills while also rising to challenges and dealing with difficulties AND staying positive while you’re at it. No small task then.

Relationships are central to thriving. It turns out that there is a constant ratio required for a relationship to flourish and that is 5:1 in terms of positive to negative interactions. It doesn’t matter whether the relationship is with your spouse or partner, your child or coworker. Scientific studies have found that for every negative interaction that occurs, it must be balanced by five positive ones for the relationship to flourish. A ratio of 3:1 positive to negative is sufficient for a relationship to survive, but mere survival is not flourishing. Anything below 3:1 means the relationship is troubled.

I was gobsmacked when I first came across this statistic and immediately related. Particularly in my marriage, there have been periods where we just couldn’t seem to get out of a downward spiral of negativity and reciprocal hurt. Those are the times that have usually prompted a call to our marriage counsellor. But the longer we’ve been together, the more stable our relationship has become and the more we value it (thanks in no small part to self-same counsellor) which means we get stuck less often in a negative loop. One of us will usually pull out before things drop below the 3:1 mark and right the ship’s course to get us back on track.

But what a statistic! Think about it for a moment. Your beloved makes one unkind comment or harsh gesture and it takes FIVE positive interactions to assuage.

It turns out the brain has an inbuilt negativity bias, a tendency to pay more attention to the negative than the positive. This makes sense when you think that our ancestors needed to be highly aware of, and present to, dangers in their environment. Survival depended on being aware of threats and keeping that awareness front and centre. So, as our brains developed, negativity bias became hardwired as an adaptive strategy for survival. Negative emotions narrow our focus and get us ready for danger, while positive emotions broaden our responses and cause us to engage more fully with life and be more open and receptive.

Now think about our flourishing masters, the ones who seem to thrive even while dealing with difficulties and still maintain a positive outlook. Whether by virtue of their naturally sunny disposition or because they have trained themselves through practice, these folks are overcoming their innate negativity bias. Remember that your brain (and mine) is hardwired for spending more time thinking about negative things than positive. Overcoming that bias takes work - which is where the neocortex comes in. You can actually train yourself to focus on the positive and cultivate happiness, it’s all about where you put your attention. This is the ultimate freedom and self-mastery; choosing where you place your attention so that you can better function and make your life become more rewarding.

‘Where the eyes go, energy flows’ is something I often say when I’m teaching standing balancing poses in yoga classes. It helps students focus and not waste their precious energy looking here and there. This isn’t because I’m particularly strict, it’s because it’s very difficult to stand on one foot with the other leg stretched out in front of you at hip height if you’re looking all over the place. Focusing your gaze focuses your mind and when your mind is focused, it’s easier to balance. By the same token what you think about affects how you feel and interact with the world around you, including other people. If you think negative thoughts most of the time, your experience will be negative and at best you’ll be surviving. Controlling your gaze makes it easier to balance, controlling your attention, makes it easier to thrive.

If you want a rich life you have to make it so.

Knowing about the negativity bias and the 5 :1 positive to negative ratio can really help your relationships, even your relationship with yourself. Embracing challenge and adventure not only harnesses positive emotions, it sets up a virtuous feedback loop so that you feel better about yourself which enhances your flourishing. Staying interested and engaged in life helps too.

Given the distortions created by the pandemic this year, it’s not surprising that many people have struggled to stay positive. The impact on friendships and in-person connection has been particularly rough. But humans are resilient and we know that this too will pass. Zoom yoga, zoom cocktails, socially distanced back garden hangouts have all helped to stave off the isolation and need to be with others. I’m still mastering the self-control and wisdom to stop doom scrolling but hey, doesn’t flourishing require a challenge!

On a serious note though, for over a year now I’ve committed to running two or three times a week and following through on that personal challenge has been a lifesaver during the lockdown. Without a doubt, it has given me a sense of purpose and a goal to meet during this crazy time. My mental health has benefited enormously and when I meet my weekly running goals I feel that in some meaningful way I’m winning in my life.

Dearbhla Kelly, January 2021