Notes on Finding Purpose
A few years ago, I was working in a job that I thought I cared about. A job, that, when I was approached to take the role I thought I would love. So, I took the job, but I didn’t love it. It looked impressive on LinkedIn, it came with responsibility and seniority, but my creativity was controlled by other initiatives, by corporate agendas beyond me. I wasn’t able to lead in the role as I instinctively wanted to, or as I had proposed to do. Quickly, budgets were cut, wings were clipped and then, ultimately, so was I as the company was sold and I was made redundant.
The entire experience was difficult. But the most enduring thing for me was the conflict that had arisen in myself - the conflict of selling out. I thought that in accepting ‘the big job’, I would be happy. But I was the opposite, and afterwards, I needed to know why.
After being made redundant, I had plenty of time to think on the meaning of it all. So I took the time to course correct, and in those months of musing, I was certain of one thing - that what I had felt, what made me unhappy, was a dearth of connection to what I working on.
I wanted more. I wanted it to feel true. I didn’t want inanity; I wanted like-minds and soul-sisters and to make something authentic with them. I was searching, a little desperately I will admit, for purpose.
The word ‘purpose’ is bandied around a lot these days. I even used it in the tagline for Heyday ‘a platform with purpose for women in their midlife’. But what is purpose? How do we find it? What if it isn’t even a thing to be found, what if it is just inherent, innate…?
The definitions state purpose to be, “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”. Also, “a person’s sense of resolve or determination”, and lastly, to “have as one’s intention or objective”.
And there it is - intention. To me, purpose implies good intentions, thoughtfully made.
It’s not about making your life ‘matter’, it’s not necessarily about notable charitable acts, high ideals and sacrifice. It’s smaller than that. It’s not about revolution, politics or ranting into your Stories on Instagram. It is not about maintaining high standards (often set by others), no, instead it is about choosing to live a life that encourages creativity, kindness and joy to be omnipresent. Purpose goes hand in hand with forgiveness and humility. It permits people to just be themselves. It allows flaws and failure. It is acceptance, small choices and thoughtfulness. It is connection.
There have been multiple studies on purpose, especially in midlife and beyond, where the key learnings are that the idea of transcending the self and of looking for one’s purpose and impact are very important for wellbeing, but that endeavours such as volunteering, for example, can be ‘deadening’ if they are not engaging.
Perhaps the work of true purpose is going beyond what you think the obvious acts of purpose are (charity, volunteering) and discovering the things that really matter to you. And then acting on them. If you can identify a personal goal that you are willing to work towards, then that in turn, has a positive effect on the world around you…
And here’s the thing: it is proven that people with a strong, clear sense of purpose are often healthier in the long run, both physically and mentally. Eric Kim of Harvard’s School of Public Health says “perhaps because people with purpose have an overall outlook regarding the importance of their goals in life, they take care of themselves better”.
Patrick Hill, of Washington University’s Purpose, Ageing, Transitions and Health Lab, found advantages for purposeful adults included better cognitive functioning, greater longevity and the fact that they are more likely to floss, exercise and visit their doctor.
To me, it feels as though if we are engaged with something beyond ourself, we benefit. We know navel-gazing or any self-obsession, whether major or minor, doesn’t serve us. Or anyone else for that matter.
Lots of us here on Heyday have children, lots also, don’t. For parents, our children serve us up a healthy dose of purpose on a daily basis - that keeping them alive thing - it’s relentlessly present! Navigating their path to healthy, happy adulthood is a constant reminder of our duty (I mean privilege!). Then, when they leave and we are left with empty nests, anecdotally, a sense of purpose can fall through the floor, leaving many bereft and bored. For people who are not parents, midlife can bring duty in another form, that of caring for ageing parents and that side-room feeling of being an aunt or uncle to the kids of sibling’s and friends.
So, on the basis of commonality, the purpose of caring we accept as innate. It drives and develops us, sure, but there has to be more - the purpose we choose.
Ask yourself these questions: What do you intend to do? What is important to you? What impact do you want to have? What do you want to leave behind? What gives you a sense of purpose?
I’ll go first…
What do you intend to do?
I intend to do my best, whatever that is at the time.
What is important to you?
That I live authentically and honestly. That I am true to myself, and that my kids are happy.
What impact do you want to have?
I want to make people around me feel comfortable, valued and seen.
What do you want to leave behind?
Happy memories.
What gives you a sense of purpose?
I feel mine is fluid and never truly set, but at the moment, I get a sense of purpose from creating Heyday, from raising my daughters as a solo mum and learning to lean deeper into my relationships with my friends, my family and my partner in the brand new blended family we are to living in.
As far down the page as I am now, for me I see it’s all about creativity and human connection. The purpose I was personally seeking back then when I was made redundant was about making something good, something that touches people, rather than something surface level. I wanted to go deeper. And so, I poured that need into creating Heyday.
Overall, though, it’s a visceral thing built on small things - a text to someone you haven’t spoken to in ages to tell them you are thinking of them, or posting something interesting or uplifting on social media instead of being drawn into the doom and gloom so present there this year. It is the connection of showing up for someone, physically or figuratively. Or of following through on your gut instinct.
Finding purpose is about finding out what your values are and realising them. Are they spreading joy, being honest, working hard? Do they lie in making and creating? Growing a garden? Sharing your knowledge to write, teach, coach, mentor?
Not sure? It’s often what you admire in other people - being responsible, being altruistic, being open, warm, and brave. Courage and resilience are key themes of finding purpose. The challenge lies in how to action them. And that, my friends, is your work to do. Find your themes and dreams and weave them in. Choose their slender threads and create a connection. Action kindness. Activate creativity.
Midlife is the time when we all, almost always, become more reflective. It is when we start to look at our impact thus far, taking a mental weighing scales and loading each side with positives and negatives, looking to its balance for guidance on what next, where next…
The wisdom we gain as we grow older shows us how to continue to live our lives - you will rarely find it scrolling social media, but you will find it in books. Start at Brené Brown. Weave your purpose from there. When you find it, you’ll know.
That’s all I know. For now.
Ellie Balfe, October 2020.
what do you feel about purpose? the comments are open below…
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