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Ageing. There’s a word.
Reflect on that word a moment - what do you see in your mind’s eye?
What shade do you see? What feeling do you get?

Blooming. Another word. Reflect on that too. What’s the image in your mind for that?
I daresay the first invokes a sort of grey decay, a certain slowness…
And I guess the latter fills your imagination with colour. And with a sort of wildness.

‘Ageing’ has always gotten the worst of reputations; like a sinister visitor, it is portrayed as creeping up when we want it least and stealing all our good stuff. The middle years of our life were slated as the years to slow and settle, and to accept a sort of inoffensive invisibility - who would we be to take the attention from the younger set, what could we be thinking?!

That word is used so often and so irresponsibly in media, and in the beauty industry particularly. I have worked directly in and around the beauty industry for a long time, as a makeup artist for 15 years, and then a beauty editor for more. The narrative around ageing is a powerful one, so often based on artifice. On disguise. On covering up/masking/hiding. On becoming a bit more invisible. On not living in colour.

Writer, Jo Elvin, editor of You Magazine, shared an image on Instagram this week of a graphic showcasing particular diet rules for all ages. The ages from 40 to 60+ were denied the benefits of colour in their particular, dowdy sections. I mean, really, what fresh hell is this??!

Well, it is my middle-aged pleasure to call ‘bollocks to that’ I’m afraid, and so, my friends, should you!

There’s a thing that happens as you grow older; it is the alchemy of ageing; it bestows upon you the greatest gift - that of self-awareness. And as self-awareness increases, so too does your own self-acceptance. These two combined, form a force so beautiful, and so damn bright, that it changes almost everything in your life. That thing- that result - that elemental combination of magic or sorcery or power or luck is called self-love.

And that transforms our lives.

Not only for ourselves but for others in our lives too. It changes how you react in work, in love, in families, friendships and random daily moments. If you believe in your own self as capable and compassionate, you often believe that for other humans too - so you stand with them, and for them.
As well as standing for yourself. It’s all part of the process.

Emotional Evolution

To start from the start, it goes like this: we’re born, then we grow, then we hurt, then we learn.
Life teaches lessons; we succeed or we fail.
We work hard or we don’t. We love and lose. We experience pain, joy, success, happiness and grief.

And still, we grow.

Things work out, and things don’t work out in equal measure. The common denominator is our internal watchful eye; schooling our instinct, noticing patterns and calling us out - warning and documenting all that occurs.

And still, we grow.

And if we are awake at all, we eventually see the wood for the trees. We learn where monsters are and we don’t walk towards them. We recognise shitty situations for what they are, earlier than we used to, and we pivot… We recall how times in our growing years hurt us. Or how people did. Or lovers. Or bosses. Or economies, countries, governments…And we act accordingly.
We leave. We vote. We write a note saying, ‘fuck you’ - and it feels like living.

It feels like you’re one of the grown-ups now. That’s because you are.

And all this growing, learning, hurting, leaving, what does that make?

Frankly, it makes us better. It makes us strong and resilient. It makes us experienced, but better than all of that - it makes us self-aware. It gives us self-respect. Even if it feels small, or not there at all, look back and think again. Reflect again on situations passed and what you learned from them.

Ask yourself this question: would I accept that again?

All signs point to NO, my friend!

****

Now, life being life, and us being human ( flawed, and eager to please), we are prone to poignant regrets. I think that’s just the toll we pay. We can’t look back and absolve ourselves of all things we’ve done, or not done, but Christ on a bike, didn’t we learn!

And aren’t we just a little bit wise for weathering such storms?

If you say no, you’re not feeling wise, try and run this particular scenario: a friend of yours, one you’ve known forever is feeling heavy-laden. She can’t see her strength or access her instinct - doubling down hard on the negative self-talk…

How do you snap her out of it?

Would you remind her of all she has achieved in her life so far? Would you tell her how you love her? How others love her, and of her impact in the world? Would you tell her how you believe in her and how she’s fought monsters down with her bare hands before? And won.

I think you would.

And I think you should do that for yourself too.

For it is the collating of your own positive messaging that helps shield you in the steel of self-love. These are not narcissistic traits- they are the traits of survival in a crazy world! It is the acceptance and acknowledgement of your path to now, that invites self-respect. It is the belief in yourself and the deep-down knowing, that now, at this age, you can handle more than you’ve ever handled.
And you see that you are strong.

Strength accumulates. It builds like blocks. Like if you go to the gym to lift weights to make your body strong, you’ve been lifting life weights all these years. And so you are strong.

****

There is another beautiful thing that happens in midlife. Another form of alchemy as a result of years lived, paths meandered, things and selves lost and found…

That is our own self-belief. Our own trust in ourselves.

The fact is that we don’t feel the need for external validation or permission anymore. Sure, we used to. Quite a lot, in truth. It crippled me - a card-carrying people pleaser. But something about that diminishes after time. You know you are, at last, a grown-up; one who makes her own decisions - one who stays or leaves, and lives as she pleases.

And that, my friends, is lovely.

***

‘Ageing’ or ‘growing older’, whichever words work for you, means that you have earned a set of metaphorical stripes which prove your personal worth in the world. Getting older provides experience and a sense of perspective on all that you, and others, have been through. It is the ultimate upgrade - that of emotional liberty.

As with everything, language is important. The way we speak matters. Let’s try again with these words…

Ageing? Reframe it: it’s an upgrade.

Blooming? That’s freedom: that’s you.

Growing, evolving, empowering, standing, dancing, shouting, singing...

In colour. And with a sort of wildness.

Ellie Balfe, June 2020.