No More Good Girls

Although I know there have been countless of articles written on #metoo, toxic masculinity and misogyny; I wanted to share my own experience and opinions in the hopes that they open the eyes of those who continue to keep them shut. This will be the first time I share this experience with an audience and while I run the risk of being judged, I think this story will do better out there instead of deep inside my psyche.

The #metoo movement that exploded in 2017 did not only affect big fishes like Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, it also brought out deeply buried realisations in many women around the world: “I too have experienced harassment, abuse, attacks… and I don’t need to stand for it any longer.” We saw the marches, we saw the floods on social media of women understanding that they too have had negative experiences, and that these experiences were legit, real and valid. I understood the same while realising a deeply buried trauma for the first time in 30 years. The realisation came at me like a speeding bullet, and the consequences of what happened to me as a 10-year-old girl, nearly killed me. I never thought I was another casualty, another girl whose undiscovered sexuality had been used against her, leaving traces of confusion and trauma that only later in life began to dissipate.

I felt sad and angry to be a part of that demographic.

But then I began to connect the dots between what happened to me with many other key moments in my youth, and everything became clear: we have been taught to be nice, polite and never make a scene. That, as girls growing into women, we were supposed to always look clean, pretty and smile at everyone; to never raise our voices and “to never outshine a man, if you want to find one”.

I finally understood how those lessons prevented me from crawling away from under my molester; from telling my parents what had happened; and those same lessons prevented me from calling out the misogyny, disrespect and abuse received from people so many times in my life.

My inaction in the face of abuse that had tortured me for years suddenly became so clear and I was able then to stop being so critical of my past behaviour: how could I have listened to my instincts and fought back, when the role of a good girl was hammered into me from childhood. How could I have taught that I had the right to defend myself when the media taught me that “those who make you cry are the ones who love you.” When we watched soap operas showing women marrying their abusers and living “happily ever after”. The odds were against women like me, raised with these beliefs, from the start. We learned that if we were considered “problematic” or “unapproachable” we would end up lonely spinsters, eventually becoming food for our dozens of cats.

The #metoo movement has begun changing this idea of ‘the good girl’. We are feeling empowered to speak out, to defend and support ourselves and others; and to believe those who are strong enough to expose their abusers. Unfortunately, the movement is not enough; figures show that all around the world, 1 out of 3 women have been abused, beaten and/or coerced into sex at some point in their lifetime, and in the US, 86% of victims of rape know their offender. We all know, or have experienced, how often women question any uncomfortable situation with a friend or co-worker because maybe they are just “overreacting”.

It will take a lot more than a movement against those in power, it will take the re-structuring of societal beliefs in both men and women to destroy the preconceived notions of the nice girl and the manly man. It will take us a long time to teach girls to be okay with saying “no”; to follow their gut instinct and refuse a hug from that ‘weird’ uncle; while teaching boys that it is okay to cry and is okay to be sensitive.

I know this article might seem repetitive, and I’m sure us in our heyday are trying our best to teach younger generations a different narrative. It is not enough, however, to do it only at home; whilst simultaneously ignoring that in many countries child marriage is still legal; oblivious to the force of prostitution women experience in cities like Amsterdam or Bangkok; or avoiding the statistics of human trafficking that continue to grow. We, as empowered women living in the first world, need to do more for those oppressed through real activism, supporting organisations and volunteering our time to lend a hand and raise awareness. Through support and voluntarism, we can lay a new path for women still trapped within the ‘good girl’ narrative; for those who are suffering in silence because is what they have been taught.

It is time to rise, to fight for those who can’t, and to maintain the legacy of the #metoo movement.

Yahaira L Reyes, September 2020.

Please visit the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, Womens’ Aid, Safe Ireland and the National Women’s Council to help women in need of solidarity, support and safety.