Is Midlife an Awakening?

5 minute read

While the male midlife stereotype revolves around gain – a younger woman, a faster car, a tattoo, a piercing – for women, midlife has always been associated with loss – of identity, youth and fertility. While training to be a holistic psychotherapist, I had to research a topic of psychological interest that I felt was important. I chose female midlife because I am a woman in my middle years, and because I was starting to experience changes and feelings (physical and psychological), which I didn’t recognize or understand. I also started to notice that many of my clients were women in their 40s and 50s who were reporting and experiencing similar issues. What emerged from my research was not that women were experiencing a sense of loss, but rather feelings of change and reassessment.

Midlife (generally classed as being between ages 40 and 56) is one of the most turbulent and busy times in a woman’s life, but despite its challenges, midlife can also be the most creative and empowering period. In his book, The Middle Passage, the Jungian analyst James Hollis explains that midlife can allow an opportunity to re-examine one’s life. He refers to it as the “Middle Passage”. But a lot of women report feeling stuck during this phase of their lives. They can feel overwhelmed by all of the people pulling out of them, and also that they’ve lost any sense of themselves and who they are. This is due to the physical symptoms of perimenopause and menopause, caused by a reduction in hormone levels, and a variety of psychological symptoms too. It’s known in psychological terms as the “impasse” or the stuckness.

So many of us were brought up to believe that others’ needs come before our own and that we are less important, and I always try to remind myself and my clients about the negative message this sends to our girls, our boys, our husbands and society in general.

Now is the time to make yourself a priority, to mind yourself, rid yourself of guilt and the perception that self-care is a selfish act.

Although this midlife stage brings stress and anxiety, it also brings freedom and a break from feeling trapped by societal expectations and family obligations. It can be a time of huge emotional growth and healing, a time to let go of what no longer serves you well. Author and feminist Germaine Greer believes that women have always been compelled to think about themselves in terms of how others and society view them, until they reach midlife.

Midlife is a good time to reassess all areas of your life – your career, your lifestyle, your marriage (this is the time at which most women seek separation or divorce) and your relationships (with your partner, your friends and with yourSELF). Most importantly, it is the time to reassess where you have been, where you want to go, who you are now and what your hopes and dreams are for the future. Many of the participants in my research reported that they decided to stop trying to please other people and found that midlife was a time when they wanted to get to know themselves better and even do something challenging just for themselves. One participant described how, after the breakdown of her marriage, she realised she had just been muddling through on autopilot. She realised she had devoted a lot of her 30s and 40s to her husband and children and had totally neglected her own needs.

Rage is an emotion that can raise its ugly head during midlife (a common symptom of perimenopause), and it is something I can personally relate to. Up until the age of 45, I believed I was, and had often been described in my professional and private life as, a fair, levelheaded, patient person. But I turned into a highly irritable individual, easily sent into orbit by any number of things or people. This kind of rage can be frightening because we don’t know where it’s coming from. I didn’t recognise this short-tempered hot mess of a person (hot, but not in a good way!), but having reassessed these huge emotions, they make total sense from a psychological perspective.

Rage is a necessary and valid energy. It is like a loud wakeup call alerting you to all that you are not willing to put up with anymore. I have learned to listen to my rage and embrace it. I use it to respond to, rather than react to, what does not serve me anymore.

Midlife is an empowering time for women professionally, and research shows that many women excel in their careers in midlife. But this success often coincides with menopausal symptoms, so support and education in the workplace are key to helping women navigate the two. Many women like me return to education in midlife to study something they feel passionate about now, but didn’t necessarily feel strongly about in their younger years.

It’s empowering to see that today women in midlife have options and choices where once we had none, and that menopause is no longer just something we have to get through. It seems bizarre to think that menopause, which just over half of the population will go through, was for so long a taboo, an embarrassing secret never spoken about. But I am totally sold that midlife is a time to really connect with yourself. We have each earned our place in the school of life, and at this stage we can now reflect on what is important and take full ownership of our own identity. This is a time to plan for the future on our own terms. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The younger are slaves to dreams, the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits.” The midlife awakening happens when you start to question life’s meaning and see midlife as an opportunity to reassess and make relevant adjustments to your life.

Yes, it’s difficult, tiring and emotional, but if you are aware of what is happening to your body and why, you can get support for both the physical and emotional changes. It’s time now that we educate ourselves and the future generation, so as a collective, we can become fully informed and empowered. No more putting up and shutting up, but helping each other to navigate the journey and to make this midlife phase the perfect time for women to become the best versions of themselves.

Mary Lynn is an accredited holistic psychotherapist. For more information, visit www.marylynn.ie