Mammograms and Microdosing

I had my first mammogram the day before my 45th birthday. It was a bit nerve-wracking but I had no reason to think there would be anything amiss. That said, I was quite shaken when I got a call from the breast clinic as I was exiting the car park to tell me the radiologist had seen some abnormalities and wanted me to come back for a more comprehensive (diagnostic) mammogram.

I went back the following week and had an extremely thorough procedure which was not pleasant. Soon after that, I found myself called back for two different biopsies, one done with ultrasound and one done with stereostatic x-ray imaging. I was quite trepidatious, to put it mildly.

I’d had ultrasounds before because of a lump of scar tissue in my left breast resulting from having a tube inserted to drain blood and fluid after sustaining massive injuries to my rib and lung area in a car crash. But I’d never had any kind of biopsy and I was definitely nervous. On the appointed day the ultrasound biopsy went fine, though it’s not exactly pleasant to have a needle inserted into your breast. Things didn’t go so great with the mammogram biopsy, however.

A stereostatic biopsy is not enjoyable. You lie facedown on a table and with your breast poking through a hole. The radiographer places an x-ray panel on either side of the breast and injects a local anaesthetic to numb the area. A nurse had her hand on my back for reassurance and I was using all my yogic powers to focus on my breath and calm my mind. Then the radiologist inserts a needle into the area to get a cell sample. However, in my case, he was unable to get the sample as the target cells were right up against my pectoral muscle and he was concerned about puncturing the muscle. Given this, he suggested that I have a surgical biopsy as my sister had already had (and recovered from) pre-menopausal breast cancer and I was considered very high risk. Obviously, I agreed and went home feeling completely stunned. And sore. Very sore. Bandaged up, painkillers in hand.

From that day until I got my results from the surgical biopsy was five weeks. Five long weeks. Fortunately, I got great news, the cells were benign of a type called microcalcifications. So all was well or at least should have been.

The thing was though that when I got the results I went into quite a depression. My immediate reaction on hearing the news was to burst into tears. I had expended so much effort to remain calm and not go to worst-case scenarios in my mind during the previous five weeks that I didn’t really allow myself to feel very much. Hearing the result caused the dam to burst and all the pent up emotion came out.

I usually bounce back fairly quickly when I’m down in the dumps, but this time was different. I could feel that my energy body was out of whack and I just couldn’t get out from under the weight of it. I have a very sensitive system and the surgery along with the biopsies, ultrasounds and mammograms in the previous seven weeks had been quite invasive. Speaking of weight, I gained weight even though nothing about my diet or exercise regime changed. Later I realised that my body was holding on to density in order to ground my energy, to literally give me heaviness as a stabilising device. Being heavier only added to my depression and made me feel self-conscious and bad about myself.

I was feeling very low and woke up every morning with generalised anxiety and a sense of hopelessness. I just couldn’t seem to get back on track. It was as if a light was burning out inside me. And then, my husband became concerned and suggested that I consider microdosing LSD. Several months prior someone had gifted him some and he had done the research and prepared some doses (more on that forthwith). We’d also been reading about the benefits of microdosing for quite a while in all kinds of forums from the New York Times, to online articles and publications like The Cut, Vice, Inc and Marie Claire. I decided I had little to lose and everything to gain by trying microdosing and just like that I was off to the races.

Here’s the thing about microdosing; the point is not to get blasted. The point is to take a sub-perceptual dose, usually 10 micrograms which is about a 10th of a regular dose, to alter mood and brain chemistry.

To measure the dose you put a tab of LSD (usually on blotter paper) into a small vial containing distilled water or clear alcohol like vodka and keep it in the fridge. You use a miniature syringe to accurately measure the dose and ideally leave 2-3 days between doses.

The first time I microdosed, I felt clearer, generally bright and happy, and not hugely different, but over time the benefits accreted and my inner environment changed. I no longer woke up every day with a feeling of low-grade dread and non-specified anxiety. I regained my enthusiasm for creative projects and my overall joie de vivre. It was as if I had been in a room with the blinds closed and someone had then opened them to allow sunlight to stream in. I observed the recommended schedule of dosing twice per week for several months and the overall effect was enormous, doubtless, I was happier, more productive and optimistic.

It turns out that our moods and overall form are governed by our neurophysiology, that is by changes in our brain chemistry which in turn affect all of the bodily systems that govern how we feel. When you feel stressed out and anxious, a hormone named ‘cortisol’ is released by your adrenal glands and is responsible for the physiological experience of stress, dry mouth, sweaty palms, increased heart rate etc. By the same token when you feel relaxed and blissed out after lovemaking or cuddling a baby, or a really juicy meditation or yoga practice, it’s because feel-good drugs like oxytocin are affecting your body’s homeostasis.

And now for a little rudimentary biochemistry to explain how drugs affect the brain. All of the nerve cells in our body have millions of receptors (tiny sensing molecules) on their surface. The function of these receptors is to receive information from chemical messengers emitted by other cells. Almost like a plug fitting into a socket, the messenger chemical binds with the receptor molecule on a cell and that joining together causes a biochemical reaction like serotonin release. Serotonin is the brain’s ‘happy’ chemical, targeted by Prozac and MDMA and activated by microdosing LSD. There are serotonin sites in the brain and digestive system and on blood platelets but microdosing LSD primarily affects the brain. Serotonin, like cortisol and oxytocin, is what’s called an ‘endogenous drug’, one produced by the body, whereas LSD, marijuana, morphine are ‘exogenous drugs’ which are produced outside the body.

Any drug will affect your brain chemistry, which in turn will affect your body’s functioning and how you feel mentally, physically, emotionally and maybe even psychically or spiritually. Picture an iceberg, the visible part is said to be just 1/7th of the entirety. Now think of the content of your conscious mind right now, all of the perceptual stuff that’s available to you, your thoughts, your emotions, sensations in your body are like the top layer of the iceberg, below the water line is everything that’s happening on a cellular level right down to the dance of molecules on the surface of your cells. Microdosing LSD catalyzes serotonin release in your brain which makes you feel more alert, focused and present and also more creative and in a flow state. The point is to enhance your functioning and wellbeing, to make your life better.

Much of the time what’s called the Default Mode Network (DFM) is operative in the brain. The DFM is a set of proclivities arising from the working together of several different parts of the brain and is responsible for things like daydreaming, contemplation, worrying, thinking about the past and the future. Microdosing LSD lessens the activity of the DFN and consequently reduces anxiety, rumination and the tendency to get stuck in endless thought loops. This makes a lot of sense to me as my generalized anxiety reduced enormously while microdosing and I found (and find) myself much more focused on present experiences, happier and more prone to having creative insights and innovative ideas. These welcome effects carry over to the next day also.

I can’t tell you to microdose and doing so is illegal. I can tell you that I have found it to be enormously beneficial for my mental health and my sense of self. But so is running and practicing yoga. And microdosing gives me something that those more socially accepted self-modulating practices don’t. I should add that I have also gone long periods without doing it, months and months. I started again at some point during the summer as I was sliding into depression again. In fact, I did it early today and I feel great right now. Please don’t tell on me. I don’t need that kind of trouble.

(one last thing, if your interest is piqued and you are considering experimenting, please take the time to do diligent research and only use a trusted source)

Dearbhla Kelly, September 2020.

What do you think, dear reader? Is this something you would ever consider? Tell us in the comments below…