TV presenter, documentary maker and writer Maia Dunphy, is one of those women who seeks out truth and puts it out there for the world to see. Her current series on RTÉ, What Planet Are You On? helps families make more sustainable choices for the way they live…

Which three adjectives describe you best?

Sensitive, silly, sarcastic.

What is on your mind most these days?

It’s funny how in many ways a pandemic lessens the scope of worries if that makes sense! Much simpler, more pragmatic, immediate things are on my mind; my son has just started school and I want him to be happy, I want my parents to stay safe, and for my sister to be able to come home (from London) for Christmas. I don’t have a head full of longer-term concerns anymore.

What is the last thing that you said no to?

Unfortunately, it was a job I would have jumped at the chance to do a few years ago. But childcare issues meant it wouldn’t be possible right now.

What is the last thing you said yes to?

A special offer on chocolate.

What made you decide to do what you are now doing in your life?

My Dad used to always say: “well we all know what you don’t want to do!”, because I was so indecisive, but to quote one of my favourite columnists Mary Schmich, “Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't”. The truth is, I always had low self-esteem and am a chronic people pleaser, so I worried too much about making the wrong choice. Now, that’s not to say I didn’t work hard! The one thing I have in spades is a cast iron work ethic – whatever job I’m doing - but I have always been envious of those who were certain from a young age what they wanted to do.

How many things have you been in your life so far?

Oh gosh, I’ve always worked from the typical babysitting jobs at 13, to myriad bar jobs and then worked as a nurse’s aid in a retirement home in my mid-teens. During university, I worked in a petrol station, travelled around Australia after college and did whatever jobs came up, from back-breaking fruit picking to waitressing. Then my best friend and I spent a year in Malaysia setting up an education centre in an orangutan sanctuary. That was a special time and I’m very proud of what we achieved. For years I would love to have worked with wildlife but when I came back to Dublin I stumbled into TV (after nearly a year as a planner in an injection moulding company), so you could say my CV is eclectic! I stayed in TV, began producing, puppet-wrangling and writing, and after about 10 years behind the camera, I stepped in front of it to make a documentary and never looked back.

Where do you come in your family, and did this have any influence on you?

I’m the middle child of three, and although I don’t tend to attach much significance to these theories, I do have many of the typical attributes of the classic middle child! I’m very independent and self-sufficient (sometimes too much so), but most of the assigned characteristics given to children according to their birth order are just nonsense.

The personality type you’re born with is biological and responsible for so much more than where you come in a family. I tick most of the boxes of a highly sensitive personality type, and I see the same in my son already. It’s a great thing to be able to recognise your personality type and accept the things you know you can’t change about yourself. I was told to “toughen up” for so much of my life, but now I know that wasn’t possible for me. I’ll never tell my son to toughen up.

Are you where you wanted to be at this stage in your life?

I try not to think about that too much as it can be an unhelpful way to view personal growth. Life is constantly evolving, and although I hadn’t set out to be, say a single parent, equally, I never had an immovable plan for the future. It’s great to work towards a goal but you have to be flexible along the way.

What is the best, and worst piece of advice you have received in your life so far?

The one I live by now is ‘choose your battles’! For so long I gave far too much thought, time and energy to trying to make people like me, or repeating exhausting behaviour in a situation (both personally and professionally) and expecting a different outcome. It’s the downside of being a people pleaser, and I’m getting much better at knowing when to walk away.

What does midlife feel like to you?

It’s such a strange thing hitting an age where you suddenly come under an umbrella term like this! I remember the first time I was referred to as an adult, and I thought “Who? Me?”. Now if I read an article in a newspaper that refers to a middle-aged person, I’m always taken aback a little when I see my age in brackets somewhere in the piece! The truth is, none of us fit these terms in the exact same way. I became a mother at 39, so after years of socialising with much older people, I now find my peer group to be a mix of people my age and up to 15 years younger because we have this very specific time of parenthood in common.

Having said that, there are things like my parents getting older, and some friends having health issues which remind me of where I am in life. On a more emotional level, it’s lovely to care less what others think of me; I have been let down very badly by people I cared about in the past, but I’ve come to realise that was never a reflection on me, and that maybe I took it harder than they ever realised because of how I process things.

Is there something you have dreamt of doing for a long time?

I’ve always loved travel, and I made a plan when my son was born (he had made a hundred flights by the time he was 4), that I would take him out of school for 6 months when he’s around 7 or so, and do a big world trip. I had written it up as a pitch for a TV show a couple of years ago with the plan to make it happen when he’s old enough, the idea being to show people that so much can be learned outside a classroom. COVID has changed a lot of what is possible now, but I hope I can still make it happen.

Has there been a place, event, or experience that has transformed your ideas or given you a new perspective?

It’s such a cliché I know, but motherhood is the only answer I could give to this question! I know many people anticipate this, but I was someone who was very much on the fence about having children, and my son has changed everything. The perspective he has (unknowingly!) brought is nothing short of life-changing. I was always very caught up in work, but now my career is just something that provides for him. It’s still important to me, but put simply, he matters more than any job.

What is something you love now, that you couldn’t imagine you would like in the past?

Foregoing nights out (pre-Covid!) to be up early to do things with a small person. I have so much fun with my son, and I think because it’s just the two of us, our dynamic is quite different from that of bigger families. I can’t nip to the shops to pick up forgotten milk, run off to a job or have a lie-in and ask someone else to take over, so if I didn’t love spending so much time with him, I’d be in trouble!

Is there a milestone you are working towards in your personal or professional life at the moment?

I have unfinished scripts and a book I’ve been trying to find the headspace (and confidence) to complete for about 5 years now. COVID hasn’t helped.

How do you think the world of work can improve for women?

It’s vital that society (all of it) recognises the importance of supporting women in the workplace. It’s not just about equality or gender quotas, I see now the vastly different qualities and skills that women can bring to any working environment. I don’t think I saw this when I was younger, possibly because I’ve so often worked in male-dominated spaces. I’ve worked with so many lovely men over the years, but I see the bigger picture now in relation to what women bring, and it’s vital that we encourage it. It’s also vital that we acknowledge the importance of supporting parents in the workplace – being a good parent and working to the best of your abilities shouldn’t be mutually exclusive. Whether we admit it or not, the emotional labour in life still tends to fall heavily on women’s shoulders.

How do you care for your own wellbeing?

I live in the city and don’t drive so have always walked everywhere. I’ve tried to get into fitness and gym-going, but it never suited me. I’ve realised that walking is my thing and it always has been. If I can make time for an hour’s walk with a podcast, everything seems better. Also, I used to always feel guilty if I wasn’t doing something useful, but recently I’ve embraced the joy of just being lazy without guilt for a little while!

What do you feel free of now that you are at this life stage?

I was very happy as a child, but then almost overnight at about 13 became very self-conscious. I was always very carefree and never gave much thought to how I looked, but secondary school lifted a veil of sorts; I became very aware of not being pretty and gave myself a very rough time for many years. I disliked - hated even - almost everything about myself. I feel very sad for teenage me now and wouldn’t go back there for anything. It’s lovely to be at a stage in life where how I look is nobody else’s business. I’m very happy in my own skin.

Do you sleep well?

I’m a terrible sleeper. I was diagnosed with insomnia at 16, and it can still flare up. When it’s bad I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and it can be frustrating when people say things like “Oh, I get insomnia too!” when you know what they mean is they’ve had a couple of disrupted nights’ sleep. To go for days, or sometimes weeks, on end surviving on an hour or two a night is hell. I still don’t sleep well, and even a pin drop will wake me, but thankfully I tend to get 4/5 hours consecutive sleep now and that’s ok. I sometimes think I’d be unstoppable if I was a better sleeper!

What advice would you offer to yourself in your 20’s, 30’s and 40’s?

In every decade I would whisper (nay scream!) at myself to stand my ground and not let people walk all over me, and to stop taking things so very personally! I see now that I wasn’t able to, and I probably wouldn’t have taken the advice had I been given it. Some things just fall into place with the wisdom of getting older.

Are you a good friend?

I don’t make close friendships very easily or quickly, and truth be told, have always been a bit of a loner, but when I do make friends, I’m in their corner for life.

Any regrets?

Regret is the most futile of all human idiosyncrasies – if that’s how they can be defined! Of course, there are things I think I could have done differently, and if something can be fixed, apologised for or put right, I will do it, but I try my best not to have regrets.

Maia Dunphy in conversation with Ellie Balfe, September 2020