A Love for Life?

5 minute read

Workplace brainstorm sessions can be tough going at the best of times. So you can imagine my bemusement when one such meeting, which was focused on painting a picture of the average woman over thirty, documented as absolute fact the idea that if you had not yet found ‘the one’, you were most certainly looking for them - and with great eagerness too. I, being the token single person at the table, did my best to argue the point that not everyone was, in fact, intent on finding ‘the one’ - that many people in their thirties and beyond had already found immense happiness and fulfilment in other ways. Their own ways. Focussing on a career, for example. Going to parties and having lots of single-person fun. Being a really great friend or a home bird with a devoted pet or a super auntie or a roller-skating enthusiast. Could we not agree that there were many ways to ‘be’? But the sparkly engagement ring brigade that happened to outnumber me on that day was adamant. There was only one way of living your life - either blissfully with, or in eternal search of, ‘the one’. My bumbling, if heart-felt, input into a forty-minute workshop was not going to change their minds.

And of course, this is the way the world thinks of love. Linear, magical, meant-to-be true love is not just a possibility, it is out there waiting for each and every one of us. And for anyone not yet love-struck in coupledom you can be sure it’s because, as Michael Bublé puts it, you just haven’t met them yet. Oh - and perhaps you’re not trying hard enough?

Valentine’s Day is notoriously all about that one-true-love-forever type of relationship. But what about the loves you meet along the way? The first love, the fling, the mistake, the dodged bullet (phew!), the one that just didn’t work out or the one that got away. Many of these love encounters are labelled as failures because it wasn’t ‘the one’ but isn’t the journey to love worth honouring too? Because every relationship is an opportunity for something, be it fun, growth or increased emotional intimacy. Even encounters that are deeply regretted will have had something to offer in terms of life experience. Heartache is a life lesson that few, upon reflection, would choose to omit from their lives. Falling for someone with whom it doesn’t work out or speaking truthfully to someone you just don’t want to be with anymore are such valuable life and love lessons, these should be celebrated too.

When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their divorce as an exercise in conscious uncoupling the world was disproportionately outraged.

There is a deep-seated belief that the breaking up of a relationship is a failure for which we must feel deep shame before we can even begin to entertain the thought that perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be - or, more realistically, meant to be forever.

But isn’t it better to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you anymore? In fact, is it not more realistic to view human partnerships which do actually survive the long haul as feats of monumental inter-personal negotiation?

I often marvel at those who manage to make it from youth to midlife alongside their one, true love. Those that survive the debs and college and J1s and their twenties and thirties and children and life, in all it’s messiness, together, intact. That shared history, it seems to me, is so precious. And with life ultimately being so short and unpredictable, we would each be very lucky indeed to spend the majority of our lifetime in deep, connected love. It truly is a gift. But as a friend of mine’s mother once put it, finding someone you want to live your one precious life with is a miracle. So maybe we need to get a little more ‘real’ with Valentine’s Day messaging.

For starters, might not a broader selection of cards help to manage all our expectations that little bit better? Cards with banners like; ‘Will We Give It Another Go?’, ‘Thanks For The Memories’ or ‘Sure Let’s Enjoy It While It Lasts’ could well go down a treat - and everyone would know where they stood. Valentine’s could become a day when instead of going out for dinner with a significant other you could share your experiences of love with those who need a little help in that department - or for those who just need a giggle, because escapades in love can be hilarious. I mean, what’s the point in going through a cringe-worthy first date if not to entertain your friends?

The Valentine’s kind of love is all well and good, but maybe if we were encouraged to enjoy and embrace the path of love a little more we would truly appreciate it if or when we did find someone - that ‘miracle’ - we may actually want to spend more time around. Most importantly, we would learn to never, ever settle for somebody that just doesn’t fit the bill.

After all, what’s the use in finding ‘the one’ if you miss the fact that the relationship you have with yourself is the truest?