8 minute read

Oof, there’s so much negativity about don’t you think? Or rather, stress. I don’t believe that humans are naturally negative beings, we are simply reacting to the atmosphere of fear and threat that is surrounding us. We are all feeling collective stress and worry once again around what is deemed (unfairly, really) ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ - well, by the song anyway.

The worry takes away wonder, it depletes joy. With all of us reducing our contacts to stay safe and to particularly protect the most vulnerable people in our families, we are feeling squeezed beyond belief and it’s highly likely that at some point we are going to blow up with anger, fall down in frustration or just cry our eyes out with the feelings of overwhelm and the weight of responsibility.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially the load on women around Christmas, as we are the ones who primarily carry the majority of the logistics. But then, we do it because we can. I have often written about the capacity we have to hold a multitude of lines - we are caring, coping, thinking animals - we see the big picture and what it takes to create it and navigate it. It’s a skill men don’t often have.

I’m not saying, in any way, that this is how it should be because we should be supported and not shoulder all the heavy lifting, but the thing is, we can do it, and that makes me proud to be a woman - I am proud to be a part of this community of nurturing, strong, resilient, creative, resourceful women in midlife. Just think about that a bit - of how much we can do, of how much we do each day - and feel proud too.

Christmas this year feels odd again, it doesn’t feel easy or breezy, it doesn’t feel free, but perhaps all we need is a bit of a mindset shift, a bit of a course correction in terms of our perspective on it. A lot of our experience is in our own hands - we are the decisive element in our lives, and perhaps attempting to accept that which we can’t change, will, in fact, serve us well.

I can speak to this for sure, as in the past two months, my family and I have been going through an intense period of medical difficulties - my Dad had open-heart surgery and my mum, who is a cancer patient anyway, has suffered two very serious sepsis infections right after six months of chemo - leaving her with a sort of delirium that confuses not only her, but us too, as it’s hard to navigate someone else’s mental map, especially when it has become blurred. My brother and I are their only carers. It’s an acutely unusual and difficult thing to inhabit the space where you parent your own parents, even temporarily, as hopefully this phase is for us.

And then, pile Christmas in on top of that, and kids, and work, and shopping, and trees, and food plans and the pressure to make memories and have quality time and not have everyone lying in bed on screens all day long even when that sounds very appealing to you too…

We have to be the Christmas cheer leaders. And sometimes we just don’t feel like it!

But here’s the thing that I’ve been trying, the course correct, the remapping of my mind, and it seems to work so far - I am trying to find the light in it all. There is scientific proof that, instead of sitting under a darkening cloud, if we choose to rise above, to raise our vibe, to see the good - with gratitude - that things will shift for us.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy when things feel bleak and you’re tired and over-loaded, but know this - we live in a beautiful world, people are inherently good and all things pass. Repeat that, make it your mantra.

Try too, to have a mindset of compassion. A lot of people you will meet over the next week will be stressed as well, they may have distinct financial worries due to business closures, they may work in healthcare, they may have sick family, they may be grieving, worrying and feeling alone. They may be carrying a weight that is wordless - invisible, but crippling. They may be dreading Christmas for what it brings up for them. Have compassion for that. Choose to hold some space for them - to not judge or quicken to frustration - to allow them to be human, like you - flawed and feeling it all.

Read David Foster Wallace’s speech called This is Water for an incredible dose of mindset shifting perspective - I read it every year to keep me on track. This section about standing in a long line in a supermarket, filled with personal rush and rage is especially pertinent at this time of year…

“But most days, if you’re aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she’s not usually like this. Maybe she’s been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it’s also not impossible. It just depends what you want to consider. If you’re automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won’t consider possibilities that aren’t annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.”

See, we have choices. We choose how we see things and we choose how we respond and react. Try to find the light in it all - see generosity not consumerism, see charity not cynicism, see wonder not the worry. It might take some effort, but it’s all there for you. Look at the children’s faces - that should help you. Look at the people doing good - they are all around you. Look at The Society of Saint Vincent de Paul bringing sacks of gifts to houses with kids who can’t afford Santa’s visit (I’ve been there, I wrote about it here) human kindness is everywhere - lockdowns and viruses don’t destroy that spirit - they can’t - it’s indomitable - we are bigger than that. It’s our own human spirit that is the Christmas spirit. It’s not a once per year thing, it’s a 365 thing, just closer to the surface at Christmas time.

We live in a beautiful world, people are inherently good and all things pass. Remember? Also, breathe…

Over the next two weeks, a lot of logistics are coming our way, as well as a lot of contact with family that is hopefully happy and not strained or stressful, but is still a potential energy- drain, so here’s a few ideas to support you.

Take time out - 10 minutes sitting still, eyes closed, breathing deep resets your nervous system.
Explain your boundaries - don’t keep it all in your head, tell it like it is and how you need it to be.
Respond, don’t react - you don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to.
Prioritise your own Christmas experience too - no Santa slaves here thank you!
Let your heart be light - see the hope, the love, the effort, the sacrifice, the thoughtfulness.

With all this in mind, I asked Galway-based psychologist specialising in female midlife, Mary Lynn, for her practical input on how we can support ourselves in the days ahead…

1. Christmas is a time where frequently women bear the brunt of the logistics and emotional load, how would you suggest setting boundaries to ensure we are supported?

Setting boundaries during the Christmas period especially with family members is an important component of self-care. If you don’t say it you won’t get it, and this starts with asking yourself first what you need and want in order to make the time an enjoyable experience for you and your family. By making a plan it gives a clear sense of what your priorities and obligations are and what responsibilities you can assign elsewhere.

So I would recommend that you very clearly set out what you expect of yourself and everyone else involved in the run-up to Christmas Day and the days beyond.

That may include you writing the Christmas shopping list but your partner can do the shopping or collect the essentials for the main event that have been pre-ordered.

If you have children that are old enough assign them chores that are age-appropriate i.e. setting the table etc, teenagers can help with prep i.e. peeling carrots, sprouts whipping the cream etc Assign roles to everyone and if adult family members are coming you could invite them to bring a side dish, dessert or cheese board. It's best if you have assigned roles to your family so each will know what’s expected and who is responsible for the tidy and clean up after the Christmas feast.

2. How do you recommend dealing with old family wounds or tensions that may resurface?

Avoid those triggering situations if you can, but if there is tension ask yourself what is within your control and what’s not. You cannot change anyone only yourself and how you choose to respond to a situation. This can be a very empowering experience when you become aware of your own choice.

When I work with clients, and they are trying to change patterns or reactions to a trigger we work with a visualisation technique. Try and image an invisible force that is like an extra layer around your body an energy layer so when you feel triggered or a little overwhelmed use the power of your mind by deciding what you choose to let in or what you choose to bounce right back to rightfully owner (this is not mine you can have it back). Also, become consciously aware of your breath and stay grounded by feeling your two feet firmly on the ground. If needs be, try to focus on a mantra in your mind, I am calm, I am calm, I am calm…

3. If we feel we're being triggered by a conversation or general mood, how do we voice the need to step out of it?

Again try to avoid those triggering situations however if it cannot be avoided be assertive, not aggressive, and ask that the topic be changed as you are not comfortable discussing that in these circumstances. Try saying, ‘we can agree to disagree today as we are all here to enjoy the day’.

In certain situations, if you are feeling deeply uncomfortable the best thing is to walk away – create a physical distance and go for a walk or to another room until the conversation has moved on.

4. How can we stop the feeling of feeling responsible for other people's happiness at Christmas?

Wanting to people-please is a very common trait especially for women. The pattern can usually be traced back to early childhood where we want to belong and be liked. Many women want others to be happy and feel a great deal of responsibility if they feel that someone else is not happy. This is very linked to boundaries and self-esteem.

Remember you can support someone without trying to fix them and their emotions. Remind yourself you are only responsible for yourself, and everyone is entitled to feel what they are feeling even if that is unhappy or sad.

By becoming more aware of where you place your energy and what you focus on, you become better at minding yourself and in doing so you can also be more available for someone when they ask and need your help.

It’s important you get some time to yourself during the holiday period - a walk or time alone to curl up with a book/TV - essential downtime to charge the batteries up again without interruption. As the saying goes you cannot pour from an empty cup or in this case an empty gravy bowl! Christmas is for you to enjoy and celebrate too - bring in some humour, fun and music and don’t sweat the little things they won’t matter in a few days’ time, if ever, and if all else fails remember you are amazing.

Ellie Balfe, December 2021