12 minute read

A mother, writer and constant enquirer, Ellie is the founder of Heyday and here she shares the story of her life in midlife and the path that brought her here…

Which three adjectives describe you best?

Creative, Compassionate, Resilient.

What is on your mind most these days?

Wellbeing. Of my daughters and how they are experiencing life, of my parents who are both dealing with intense health issues - cancer and impending heart surgery. Of nurturing Heyday - my third baby. Of the blended family that I am now a part of, and all that brings with it, and lastly (but not least) of myself and how I’ll hold all this as it swirls around me.

What is the last thing that you said no to?

A collaboration that I didn't feel a fit for the vision and identity of Heyday. I am hugely instinctual and intuitively led, so often a no comes first from my gut, without words. But as I've grown older I've learnt to trust that feeling as it's rarely wrong. The words come afterwards and help pave the process of explanation.

What is the last thing you said yes to?

Agreeing to be interviewed at a digital event by the founder of AllBright, the women's networking site in early November. Over lockdown, after being so hidden away, I seem to have developed a fear of speaking on camera and of online events. I used to do Insta Stories every day just documenting my life without a second thought, but I stopped for a reason I'm not entirely sure of. I think my confidence dipped and I felt the shadow of Imposter Syndrome - that 'who does she think she is?' kind of thing. Theoretically, I know this is rubbish. Some things are in the heart more than in the mind though, they don't always make sense. Nonetheless, I said yes. Time to get back in the saddle as it were.

How old are you?

46

What made you decide to do what you are now doing in your life?

The only thing I truly knew growing up was that I was a creative person and needed to be involved with and around creative people. I am a broadcaster's daughter and I grew up in radio studios, on TV sets and backstage at theatres. I didn't know what my own path would be when I was younger, but a selection of happy accidents has brought me to where I am.

Happy accidents, including the random fact that my mum brought home a flyer from the Dun Laoghaire College of Art and Design when I was in the final year of school and desperately disheartened by being told by my Career Guidance teacher to 'just go and do an Arts degree in UCD like everyone else'. When I showed her the leaflet from the art college announcing the new full-time course 'Makeup Artistry and Special Effects for Film, TV and Theatre' to be led and graded by renowned movie makeup artists, the teacher told me that makeup was a hobby and to 'just do my friend's makeup for nights out if I wanted to'.

And that was one of the first of my epiphany-style, intuition-informed moments where every cell in my body screamed THIS, NOT THAT, and so I went for it.

Despite not having done art in secondary school, I made a portfolio, did an interview and got one of 15 places in the first year of the course. I enjoyed greatly telling that teacher that I'd got a place and that my final school exam results wouldn't matter. Which was handy, as my Leaving Cert results were awful.

I have always been connected to the concept of serendipity and it seems to have been a guiding force when it comes to my path. As an at times, chaotic and indecisive Gemini, when I was younger I found it hard to strategise and plan - or even to see a bigger picture. The future felt very 'over there' for me, as I was so rooted in the present. I see now, this can be reframed as mindfulness and is healthy.

I've never felt the weight of the future, but this can be argued to be a bad thing too. I don't have a pension. Creatives rarely do! A lot of what has happened to me has been reactive. I subscribe to the concept of luck, so I don't recall much decisiveness in my past; more acknowledgement and agreement when something good presented itself. The other stuff I'd ignore! I must have been an ostrich in another life.

How many things have you been in your life so far?

The eldest daughter, an only child for 6 years, a sister, shy well-behaved teen, an art college student whose safe, small suburban life was blown wide open by freedom, first love, clubbing, alcohol, drugs, fun, new people, moving to London and ultimately, new confidence.

Then, waitress, makeup artist, retail makeup artist in Space NK London, store manager, flatmate, girlfriend, home-comer, renter, makeup store manager, PR agency intern, business partner, makeup school founder, a mother, award-winning blogger, a mother for the second time, single parent, beauty editor at IMAGE Magazine, editor of image.ie, Digital Director of IMAGE Publications, freelance brand consultant, partner, Editorial Director at Irish Tatler, founder of Heyday and now a partner within a new blended family.

My life has never been linear.

Where do you come within your family, and did this have any influence on you?

I am the eldest of two; six years older than my brother. And yes, that age gap and being a female as the eldest has an influence. My family story has resulted in my being quite a people-pleaser with very porous boundaries. I guess I was a sitting duck for that trope. I only see this now that I am in midlife and can look back analytically, rather than emotionally. I look at my family with an adult's eyes now, which is entirely different than seeing it solely through the eyes of one's inner child. It's a hard lens to look through, I won't lie.

Are you where you wanted to be at this stage in your life?

In some ways, yes. In other ways, no. I love what I'm doing professionally, Heyday is a vision realised, but like all good things, it is crazy challenging and deeply rewarding in equal measure. I believe in it though, and I have big plans for it. It comes from the depths of my heart - and that makes all the difference.

Personally speaking, I don't own a house and renting in this market is soul-destroying. Being a single parent and paying enormous rent renders saving impossible. When it was just me and my girls (they are 9 and 12 now) we were told we had to move four times, as the landlord was selling up or moving back in. So the rhythms of pack, lift and shift became familiar.

My girls frequently ask me when we are moving next. To say I hate that insecurity is an understatement. As their mum, my sole goal is to provide safety, stability and security for them, both emotionally and physically, and when a large part of that is at the hands of someone else's whim or circumstance, it's a hard line to walk with grace.

It's that hackneyed quote you see around the internet that gets me sometimes, the one citing that all children need are 'roots and wings' - well, mine are fine for wings, it's the roots I'd like to make more tangible. Bricks and mortar provide only walls, it is true, but when you're constantly waiting for the call to move along, it takes a toll. Perhaps we are destined to be a funny-shaped family of marvellous nomads. And perhaps that's fine. I don't know yet. We'll see.

What is the best, and worst piece of advice you have received in your life so far?

'Courage mon brave'. I save my Dad's texts as I love them so much. He has often texted me this over the years when he knows times have been hard. It's in the spirit of 'don't let the bastards get you down', which I also rate as stellar advice, but softer, with more heart. Just like him. I made an art piece of it and I am going to get it tattooed onto my forearm for his constant reminder to be courageous.

'Just give it another chance'. No, don't. When you know, you know. That goes for good things and good people as well as bad ones. But when it comes to incompatible or hurtful experiences or people, for me, it's better to rip the plaster off and start the healing rather than applying band-aid after band-aid as the rot goes deeper. Trust yourself.

What does midlife feel like to you?

Right now it feels like two distinct, but separate experiences. (I mentioned I am a Gemini, right?!) I am the most liberated I have ever been, but I am also the most stressed and challenged I have ever been. I guess that's the gig, right? So many other midlifers say similar - we are the Sandwich Generation after all - caught between raising kids and caring for parents.

But I think that the acute pressure, so distinct of this age, in fact, improves us - after all, diamonds are made from pressure. I think we are the same. The reflection and awakening that takes place in midlife amongst women is one of the most wonderful things I have yet borne witness to.

Resilience becomes innate. We know we are strong. We gain a warrior's attitude. My 40's are by far my favourite decade so far. I know myself so much better. I trust myself, I value myself and I know how to mind myself. I take far less shit. I am more inspired and tuned in than I ever have been, and I love this.

I am full of hope and faith in the beauty of humanity but also, I am really fearful we are fucking things up and not fixing them fast enough for our kids. We are not great tenants on this planet of ours.

Is there something you have dreamt of doing for a long time? What is it? Are you going to do it?

Writing a book. Yes, hopefully. If it comes, it comes.

Has there been a place, event, or experience that has transformed you or given you a new perspective? And what changed after that?

This is the first time I have shared this story. Ten years ago, I split up from the girls' father when one of them was 2 years old and the other 8 weeks. The experience was deeply traumatic. My mother had also recently been diagnosed with cancer and my family were still reeling from that news.

I was a freelance makeup artist then, but not working at the time as I had just given birth, and had no income with which to pay the rent or to buy the weekly shop. My family don't have money beyond what they need to live their own lives, so the day dawned when I knew I had to do something big - I had to ask for help.

It took a lot to pick up the phone. It took a lot to even look up the information online. There are some moments in life, that while you're in them, you know it will mark your entire future - this was one of those.

And so, through tears, I called St Vincent de Paul.

The experience that began at that moment, when I spoke to a gentle man named John, changed the course of my life. Without telling the entire story here, just know that they came the next day - a man and a woman came to my house and met me and the girls, and I have rarely felt as held as I did at that moment. It's hard to find the words for the experience other than to say that I know for sure that human kindness is a robust and solid form of life support. When I broke in front of them, they said the words that are making me cry again as I type them - 'please don't worry, we will help you carry this'.

From that point, they helped me pay my rent, they came to my house every single Tuesday night to keep me company. They came for over 5 years. Often with cash in an envelope to help with groceries. At Christmas, Santa gifts came, in actual black sacks for me to hide away. So, if you asked me do I believe in Santa, I would say yes. They continued to come each Tuesday so that I would have someone to talk to honestly and openly about how I was getting through it all, as my day to day life had to keep an element of facade - of privacy.

There was a time where I needed therapy to help me overcome a part of it I was stuck in, but therapy is expensive and I couldn't afford it, so they paid for it. They said then that their purpose was to help me help myself. To help me progress through circumstances.

I have experienced human kindness at its most real and practical. There is nothing more humbling. I am forever in debt to their generosity, compassion and grace.

They stayed with me as I navigated a new way. And life progressed, as it does, and I met my now partner. My SVP supporters and I agreed that I didn't need their company weekly anymore. I was sad but ready. I still see them in the local shops as SVP volunteers are people from your area. They are the absolute essence of discretion though, and now we just smile at each other in public.

I no longer need to be carried. But I still miss them.

People talk a lot about pivoting these days, of all the 'switches' you've made or recommend, which has been the most powerful change for you personally?

The biggest pivot of my life came wrapped within the story above and came out of the blue, in the midst of the trauma, proving to me that when the path reveals itself, you must follow it. As you now know, I had two tiny kids and wasn't working. I had no idea how I would support my daughters into the future and felt as stable as a leaf amongst the Autumn winds.

And one day, the phone rang. It was the editor of IMAGE magazine asking me would I consider taking on the role of Acting Beauty Editor to cover maternity leave. I immediately said no! I couldn't see a way with an 8 week old and a 2-year-old, freshly separated. Then my mother said, 'think about it', she said 'perhaps this came for a reason.' So, long story short, I took the role and covered a maternity leave whilst I should have been on my own.

I found a wonderful woman, also a single mum, to look after the girls (and me) while I went to the IMAGE offices, learnt how to make the beauty pages of a magazine and pumped my breasts in the bathroom. We all took a punt on it and, thankfully, it worked out. My work won writing awards, I launched the website as editor, became digital director of the company and then, after six and a half years, I took another punt and left the company to become a freelancer so that I could spend more time with my girls.

Throughout all those years, my girls and I were held by women - by my friends, by my family, by SVP - by kindness. My daughters saw me pull myself together and get out to change our future and I am very proud of that. But, as the saying goes, it took a village.

Is there a milestone you are working towards in your personal or professional life at the moment?

Personally, I would like to go on holiday with my kids in the near future. My daughters and I have never been away on a plane together. The costs of single parenting, mainly paying exorbitant rent, don't really allow for fripperies.

Professionally, I would love HEYDAY to grow and grow. I have plans for it that I think the community will love and I want to raise some funding to ensure it gets there for them.

As I type this, I see that both of my milestones centre around money, which is disappointing to me, as I value so much more about life than money. I remember hearing the quote that says, 'some people are so poor, all they have is money' and that hit home for me - I prefer connection, belonging, creativity and joy over anything to do with money, but I suppose they are inevitably intertwined sometimes.

Do you feel your creativity is surging or sinking in midlife?

Surging so much I can't keep hold of it. I have a million ideas per day. I am very tuned in to what flies in the ether. It's about catching them, earthing them and activating them that's the challenge for me.

How do you think the world of work can improve for women?

It can include us by actually listening to us and acting accurately on what we say. I feel there is a lot of hot air being blown about at the moment, particularly around remote working since Covid hit. It felt very achievable and open-minded whilst we were in the lockdowns, but the call back to the office has been strident, I hear.

The workplace needs also to radically improve how it supports women through midlife and menopause. Policies that support the caring roles that need to take place in tandem with the workday are essential. As is flexing around someone's experience of menopause symptoms, such as brain fog, anxiety and loss of confidence - those would be great to see supported - it's not only about hot flushes people!

The problem I see is that, due to a lack of support and robust, proactive, practical compassion, many women have dropped out, or stepped to the side as they've faced the practicalities and responsibilities of midlife - all when they are at the top of their capability and creativity. This should be avoided at all costs. Women over 40, right up to their 60s and far beyond have so much life experience, as well as professional experience to give the workplace environment. We are guides and mentors, we have soft skills in addition to our core skills and it's high time our contribution and value was honoured.

What do you spend too much time doing? And what do you spend too little doing?

Scrolling Instagram. Reading books.

How do you care for your own wellbeing?

I walk beside the sea and I prioritise time alone. I have spent a lot of time alone in my life. Every night for seven years, as a single mum after I put my kids to bed I would put on music and potter about. I really believe in the power of pottering - it seems to be the physical manifestation of a mental filing cabinet.

I have all my best ideas when alone, I am not remotely scared of it. A few times I have booked a house in the West and stayed for a week by myself. All the demons come out then! I'd cook, drink wine, write, walk, sleep, dance - process. I’ve also happily gone on sun holidays alone. It's an invaluable circuit breaker. I'm craving it again.

What do you feel free of now that you are at this life stage?

The pressure of appearance. When I worked in and around the beauty industry, I wore makeup every day because I felt I didn't look good enough without it. I did makeup on fashion shoots and wanted to diet to be skinny like the models. Now, at 46, I still love makeup, but I wear it lightly and more infrequently.

Emotionally, I don't need it, instead I enjoy it. There's a big difference.

I also don't feel the need to 'have' things like I once did. I subscribe to the ethos of 'style not fashion' and couldn't care less what the item of the moment is. I know my style and I stick to it. There is too much else to think about than caring if I'm dressed in whatever is on-trend. Comparison is brain rot and deprives us of joy and self-expression. I feel free of being told what to do.

What gives you the most stress at this life stage?

Co-parenting in fractious circumstances. Finances for the future. Wanting my own house where I can create a stable home that suits me and my family, one where we don't have to live with a landlord's belongings and can put our own stamp on - I lose a lot of sleep over this - it makes me really sad. Worrying about being a good mum to my autistic daughter - this requires a lot of learning and leaning in. It's tricky, but humbling and really amazing. Still, though, I worry.

Do you sleep well?

Yes, I do. When I take magnesium and my partner isn't doing Riverdance beside me in the bed.

Do you take any supplements or HRT?

All the above! I love a good supplement regime. I take Revive Active, Ashwaganhda, CBD, Omega oils, Turmeric and probiotics. I don't know if they truly make me feel better, but they feel like self-care, so I'll keep going. I started HRT a year ago and am now on the Lenzetto oestrogen spray, progesterone via the Mirena Coil and more recently Testosterone. The Holy Trinity in my eyes.

What advice would you offer to your younger self?

Voice your experience. Don't force things when it comes to love, it will arrive eventually. Don't accept bad behaviour. Have some confidence in yourself. Diets don't work, but balance does. To everything there is a season; trust the process. Let what is coming come and what is going go. Have confidence in your contribution. Happiness is an inside job. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Be ok alone. Dance.

Did you ever feel lost in your life path? How did you find your way again?

A few times. Being in the wrong relationships broke me down, both romantically and professionally - I have had to really work on bringing things to a conclusion. In early 2020, after being made redundant after the magazine brand I was working for sold the company and let go of lots of people, it came at the time when perimenopause symptoms started to arrive in earnest for me. Then Covid crashed in almost immediately.

I struggled with an absolute and complete loss of confidence and a sense of grief for what I thought my life was. I experienced physical anxiety for the first time in my life. It manifested in claustrophobia, I could barely get into a car and could only go short journeys before I would lose my breath to panic. I don't know if I'm fully out of it yet if I am honest, but I am much better. The solutions for me were HRT, sea-swimming and learning to meditate. Also applying that which I wished to see into making Heyday, into creating something positive and inspiring to me.

And here I am, I take one day at a time, I feel that period altered me, but am stronger and freer than I ever thought I would be.

What do you love about yourself?

I think I am kind.

When do you feel truly alive?

Beside crashing waves or on a dance floor, and when looking into my daughter's eyes.

What do you consider your biggest achievement?

I have two. Being a mother to my three daughters - Lulu, Anna and Heyday! And secondly, producing a film about my Dad called A Treasury of Irish Voices for the St Patricks Festival last year. It's about some of the best Irish creative expression. We filmed it in lockdown and so it was difficult to do, but the result is lovely. I am very proud of my Dad.

What was a major turning point in your life?

There's been a few. Mostly the points of big change have been the moments of deep realisation that things would not be the same again. Leaving family to live in London at 21, separating from my children's father, pushing myself really far out of my comfort zone to make that all work - they are all massive turning points - like the final transformational push in labour just before the baby is born - painful, but awesome - in the real sense of the word. Life-changing.

Also, it may sound flippant, but something shifted in me when I first experienced a house music club - I went to the launch of the POD nightclub in Dublin with my parents when I was 18 and all I could think was 'what is this? I want it!' It felt like everything I wasn't yet but wanted to be. (I subsequently went there almost every weekend for years and had the time of my life!).

Also turning 40 changed me. It felt like stepping over a threshold.

What are you looking forward to?

2022. I don't know why, I just feel it will be a good year. I am a die-hard optimist and feel things will always get better.

Are you a good friend?

Yes and no. I am terrible at keeping in contact, so I have lost some friends as we progressed into our lives with careers and families etc. But that said, but I love them ferociously and always will. I don't think friendships end. They are just less visible from time to time. In fact, I just reconnected with one of my earliest girlfriends - we lived our lives apart with no contact for a really long time. We met again yesterday and it was beautiful. I can't even really remember the reason we fell out. It doesn't matter anymore. I saw a meme the other day that I identified with, as would a lot of people who know me, it said, Would I die for you? Yes. Would I pick up when you call? No.

What in life is beautiful to you? Where do you find inspiration?

The stars, the sea, and poetry...
I have three small dots tattooed inside my wrist. They represent Orion's Belt - the constellation of stars I have gazed at and wished on my whole life. It has a dual meaning; it's also my daughters and me - inked into my body. I find that beautiful to look at.

Any regrets?

Some. Mostly around friendships. Life is long with time to repair things, but it is also short - two of my friends have died. I think it's important to go back and fix things you may have fucked up in the past, once you see it. I will constantly work on growth and repair. It's important not to hurt people. Or to be oblivious. I believe in tuning in, owning up and making right.

What are you afraid of?

Spiders, the dark, my parents dying, my kids being hurt in any way.

Knowing what you know now, what is most important in life?

Being open to giving and receiving love.

Favourite book, and why?

As you will have realised by now I cannot give just one answer; so I have many, but lately Untamed by Glennon Doyle was transformative for me, as was Tiny, Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. Both are women questing, enquiring and answering. Seems to be my space right now. In terms of classics, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Great Gatsby are just wonderful. I admire great writing more than anything I think.

Favourite piece of music, and why?

Good for You by The Hothouse Flowers - it makes me cry. Liam O'Maonlai's beautiful voice, the lyrics, the amount I relate to it. I listen to it when standing on a high rock overlooking the sea and it cracks me right open. That entire album Songs from The Rain came out in 1993 and is my favourite album of my life so far. I went to the launch of it with my Dad and it's still a memory I treasure.

Of course, Mic Cristopher's Heyday informed the name of this site and is why you are reading this! I love it deeply and wholeheartedly.

By contrast, any Deep House or 90's club classics bring me right back to my JOY and is a medicine like no other.

Last time you cried (tears of joy count!)

Watching Maid on Netflix this week. So much of it felt familiar. Her struggle, her relationship with her mother, her hard-won strength as she stepped into being solo. It sort of ambushed me emotionally. I binged on the last three episodes and sobbed my heart out while my house was sleeping. It was massively cathartic actually.

How do you draw on your own inner strength and creativity?

Being quiet. Walking in nature. Meditating. Drinking Cacao - I find this really lifts me. Playing music loud and singing my heart out. Being around people who inspire me and lift me up.

If I'm not happy, I'm not creative. So when I prioritise the things that bring me joy, it flows like a tap.

What are your feelings on this new Covid world we find ourselves in now?

I think that we all have a form of PTSD from Covid and we don't even know it yet. Our worlds became smaller and more worrisome, and I for one am not fully through that. I don't know why that is. I always come back to the Albert Camus quote that helped me throughout it though, and it relaxes my fears, "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer".

Do you have a sense of purpose?

So much so that it's almost a curse. I believe so strongly in celebrating and chronicling women's lives in midlife, I'm sure my family are bored of me banging on about it!