Don’t be Thankful, be Proud

At the risk of boring you before I’ve begun, a study published by the World Economic Forum (I know this sounds dry, but wait…) has confirmed that countries governed by women have had an advantage in the pandemic. The study matched female-led countries with their closest neighbour in terms of the socio-demographic and economic characteristics considered important in the transmission of coronavirus – so for instance, Ireland was compared with New Zealand. The study stated that, “Nearest neighbour analysis clearly confirms that when women-led countries are compared to countries similar to them along a range of characteristics, they have performed better, experiencing fewer cases as well as fewer deaths.” So female leaders have been better at stemming the coronavirus than male. What’s even more interesting about this study is that it attributes that success to women’s democratic style of leadership and their risk-averse nature. Far from being denigrated as weaknesses, particularly female characteristics have proven to be the tools of effective leadership at one of the most critical moments in our history.

I wish news channels would report these kinds of findings. Aren’t the results of this study of huge value to women and young girls everywhere? Aren’t they just as useful to young boys who will also benefit from seeing examples of how non-aggressive, conciliatory behaviour can yield tangible results?

The reason I’m referencing this study is because, despite the fact that women frequently succeed without having to conform to masculine authoritarian ideals, but rather by relying on our their own instincts and judgement, we still show an inordinate amount of gratitude for everything we achieve, especially in the workplace – it’s as if success is something that’s been gifted to us rather than earned by us. Men don’t, however. I interviewed a Dublin-based careers coach a few years ago, and she told me that the main difference she sees in the men and women who visit her is that men put their achievements down to ability, women attribute them to luck.

When we inherently believe that luck rather than talent and hard work has got us to where we are, of course we will feel gratitude rather than satisfaction. If I ever win the lottery I’ll be eternally grateful, because I’ll have done nothing to deserve that kind of wealth and the lifestyle that comes with it. Why I’ve always felt so excruciatingly thankful for every job I’ve ever had makes less sense to me however, because I have never been handed anything. I’ve applied and interviewed like everybody else. Unlike a lottery win, I have earned those positions and justified every employers’ choice. That’s not something to be grateful for, it’s something to be proud of.

It should be something to shout about too. But with a misplaced sense of gratitude often comes a reluctance to self-promote. If we believe that we’ve been chancing our arm all these years, and happened upon some level of success in spite of it, where does the confidence come from to put ourselves forward for promotions or leadership roles? By misreading our achievements as merely good fortune, we often remain at a level within the workplace that’s beneath our actual ability. I read an opinion piece in The New York Times recently, which dissected the notion of “dispositional gratitude”, a term I had never heard before. Apparently, “...people with dispositional gratitude take nothing for granted. They take a beginner’s thrill at a word of praise…[and they are] continually struck by the fact that they are given far more than they pay for…”

Is this what working women suffer from? I certainly don’t think any more women than men are born with this personality type – in fact there’s countless research confirming that girls perform better and succeed more often in school and university than boys – so why is it a characteristic displayed by so many more of us in our professional lives? Authors of The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, confirm that, “Underqualified and underprepared men don’t think twice about leaning in. Overqualified and overprepard, too many women still hold back.” Leaning in, of course, is the term coined by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg and refers to seizing opportunities to lead within the workplace. To quote the late, great Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “I ask no favor for my sex. All I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks.” Women don’t need favours to succeed, yet many still choose not to “lean in”, and the reason why is more complicated than just a gratitude complex and the inability to boast about our own self-worth which comes with it.

At the risk of leaving you goggle-eyed by survey results, according to an article in the Harvard Business Review, among similarly high-performing individuals in a technology company employing 4,000 people globally, appearing self-confident did not translate into equal levels of influence for men and women. For women, influence was, in fact, tied to perceptions of warmth. Co-author of the study Lauren Guillén explains, “Where their male colleagues are allowed to focus on their own objectives, women...are expected to care for others... This...double standard...is the key performance indicator against which access, power, and influence will be granted to successful women.” So even when women have the confidence to blow their own trumpets at work, it doesn’t necessarily translate into a better outcome.

It seems to me that a woman must have a myriad of facades in the workplace and understand how and when to reveal and conceal them. We must be more like men to be taken seriously, but not too much like them or we’ll be marked out as aggressive.

We must exude enough femininity to make men feel comfortable and reassured, but not so much that we’re sidelined. Tootsie might have managed all of this, but really it just leaves most of us between a rock and a hard place. An article for The New York Times quoted one former chief executive who described herself as follows: “I’m warm Ms Mother 95 percent of the time, so that the 5 percent of the time when I need to be tough, I can be.” It’s the workplace equivalent of the virgin and whore dichotomy – to mother or manage.

What the World Economic Forum study shows is that when women make it to the top of their professions, they can become incredible leaders. But for us, the proverbial career ladder is more of a climbing wall. It requires so much more ingenuity, negotiation and staying power. Taking the next “right” step is not as clear-cut, and we can often wind up feeling exposed and vulnerable and without a clue how to get from A to B. Ladders, on the other hand, provide an explicit pathway. Simply by putting one foot in front of the other without overthinking it, you can reach the top.

Whether intended or not, there’s a gender bias in many organisations that needs to be institutionally addressed before women can come down off the climbing wall. We shouldn’t have to change who we are, but the system needs to alter how it responds to and treats us. In the meantime, though, practicing replacing gratitude with satisfaction is something that will benefit us both personally and professionally. Let’s save our gratitude for something worthy of it, like a coronavirus vaccine, and hope there’s some women “leaning in” at those research labs.

Don’t be Thankful, be Proud

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