The Covid Christmas Etiquette Handbook

Jingle Bells, jingle bells, jingle them loudly to let them know that you’re coming and to back away and put on their masks! It’s Christmas 2020 folks and it’s going to be a different one that’s for sure. Whatever about dealing with restrictions and deciding who gets to go where for the dinner, there’s a whole other side to seeing your friends and family this year that you probably never anticipated. There are so many layers to what’s going to happen this festive season that it’s going to be difficult to keep up. The usual family dynamics are out the window and we may all be praying for a return to the normal low level, passive-aggressive bickering next year after enduring 90 minutes in the company of a previously sane sibling who now is refusing to use a smartphone because Covid is actually something to do with 5G, brainwashing, implanted chips and antibiotics. Here are a few scenarios you may encounter and how you could potentially deal with them.

Very large groups

There is absolutely a cohort of people who will either tell you that the vaccine is practically here or that a January lockdown is unavoidable so what’s the point in being careful at Christmas. They’re the ‘make hay while the sun shines’ brigade and are the people who will tell you that there’s no difference between three and five households. If the idea of a big gang in a three-bed semi D, sets your nerves on edge, all you can do is stick to whatever makes you comfortable and if needs be; lie. In a normal year telling fibs on Jesus’ birthday probably isn’t recommended but even he would understand your need to avoid all your uncles in your granny’s galley kitchen.

Conspiracy theorists

The first time you encounter a real-life conspiracy theorist in the wild it’s quite a rush but having to sit beside one while you eat a plate of turkey and stuffing will definitely give you indigestion. Whether it’s something about masks making you more sick than Covid, fake vaccines that are really drug trials or the European factory where the virus is manufactured we recommend hiding your earpods with your hair and listening to the Dolly Parton Christmas album while occasionally nodding at your animated dinner partner.

Politeness is the key here but if it all gets too much for you smile, back away slowly and try not to anger them. If they mention Jim Corr, run for your life.

Huggers

Oh how we all long for the warm embrace of someone we don’t live with but now is not the time people. We’re so close to the vaccine roll out and life returning to a sort of normal that we can wait just a little bit longer for a squeeze from our mums, best friends and drunken new pub pals. But how do you avoid a Crimbo hug without upsetting your loved one or appearing rude you ask? Dig way back into the recesses of your mind and remember all the times you had to sidestep the inappropriate pal or work colleague trying to lob the gob. There was a time when we were all adept at avoiding a stomach-turning snog. There’s the nifty footwork that Katie Taylor would be proud of, the quick-thinking pat on the shoulder or turn away and the duck to grab something from your bag that is an obvious deflection but can’t be argued with.

The technically following the rules crowd

You know these people. They know the guidelines and follow them to a T but are still putting themselves and everyone they meet at risk. Sure, they stayed in the bar with the right amount of people for exactly 105 minutes and had something to eat but then moved on to their next booking with a different group of people. Technically breaking no rules but breaking our hearts as they Insta story the five nights out in a row they’ve had this week. They’ll be defensive and quick to point out that they’re doing nothing wrong if you call them out on it so it’s quicker and easier to just have an excuse handy if you don’t fancy being their second stop on a six-bar night out.

Those too scared to open the door

Of course, there’s a whole category of family and friends that will need a bit of extra support this Christmas. Some of us have found 2020 just too difficult to deal with and have decided to just shut the door until it’s 100% done and dusted. If you have someone who you think might be spending a little too much time alone try and coax them out for a socially distant walk or some mince pies at a picnic table big enough to sit two metres apart. Don’t put any pressure on them but let them know you’re there.

Next year

Remember that next year, hopefully, the huggers and pubbers and the people lost down internet holes will still be our friends and family. Everyone is just trying to muddle through the next few weeks as best they can. Judgement is an unnecessary extra that none of us needs in our stockings this year. If you can’t think of anything nice or useful to say, make your excuses and stay away. Hopefully, when 2021 rolls in, with its promise of an end to the worst year of our lives everyone will go back to being the sounders they were before. Except for that Uncle, you always knew there was no hope for him.