Courage, dear heart

Courage: the ability to do something that frightens one; bravery.

It’s mad that being true to oneself is both the easiest and most difficult thing one can do. I see it as an act of bravery, as for many of us, it truly is. And one we don’t tend to do until we reach our midlife or perhaps if something happens in our world where we are shaken to awaken. It’s a messy, at times haphazard, trial and tribulation as we try new things and find our way.

I have been thinking about this notion of courage and one's self in amongst the fog and haze of these strange times upon us. A time where the silence and being left with our thoughts has almost been deafening. There’s no hiding, everywhere you go, there you are. No distraction to drown out the noise. No expectations, the only limitations being the ones we put upon ourselves.

There has been less of a need to perform, to adhere to societal expectations as once before. And without all the trappings of the hustle, bustle and busyness of life, where are we? Who are we when nobody is looking? Nobody to impress or put airs and graces on for. When we are not somebody’s child, lover, parent, friend? Where are we showing up for ourselves? What do we want?

I doubt I am alone in having these thoughts right now. Nor am I the only one to have a great pile of books by my bedside, seeking some guidance. Some dipped into, others I have not started yet, all gathered in hope that the wisdom and knowledge would seep into me as I sleep. The pandemic has caused my brain to be more fitful than ever, unable to read more than a page or two, sometimes even just a paragraph before my mind wanders elsewhere or cannot focus on any more. I lie there staring at the words in front of me blurring as I seek solace through a fog of motherhood and sleep deprivation. Who am I?

I’ll be honest, the book stack is 70% self-help books. A mix of the books that I cherish, ones I dip in and out of, some I have yet to tackle and those remind me in that moment of what I needed. One that has particular meaning is a mantra in its title spine, I see each day as I wake: Brave Enough.

This mini instruction manual for the soul is by Cheryl Strayed. A few years back, I went to an audience with her. The theatre was full of women, like me, looking for permission to be ourselves. To soothe our heartaches and losses. To be our authentic self where we walk the walk - and talk the talk, to give yourself permission - as she did as she walked the PCT 25 years ago. Finding her path after her mother died. If you haven’t read Wild or seen the film, I strongly recommend them. The book Stay Brave is a collection of all her wisdom and life advice extracts from her columns and books, even quotes from podcast conversations.

I picked up the copy once more, a few nights ago. I flicked through, each statement I read was like a peace offering to my being, what I needed at that moment. I remembered softly how much I knew already. We can devour as many self-help books as we can, yet fundamentally the answers all lie within us. We have all the answers. We are our greatest teachers and the worst pupils. Recognising what we see in others is, in fact, a mirror to our worlds.

Realising that you have all the answers is the biggest lesson of all; you are your truest teacher. And one we constantly need to be reminded to connect to this wisdom.

Don’t get me wrong, these books do help guide us through the mucky days and yucky days. They have their place and are ultimately a tool to guide us back to ourselves. Fundamentally, seeking others guidance, we are looking for a permission slip. I recognise that I lose sight of who I am and my wants and needs at times, more so in this pandemic juggling two caring roles. And as I get older, I remember to tune in to inner wisdom. If we slow down and listen to your body, your aches and pains will guide you. I understand that actually, this is the ride. Courage is the act of living, despite the pains of doing so.

Life is wild and free and painful. Where you can stand to be with yourself and be alone full of compassion understanding love, good boundaries. To express ourselves uniquely.

Many of us just teeter on the edges of the cliff of who we truly are, and when we see someone embracing their full flow and magic it’s awe-inspiring. And we want a piece of it for us.

Yet we have it all if we stay brave enough to look inwards and listen. When I am in the thick fog wondering who I am and what I want, wondering whether to be brave, or not, in trying something out. I have to keep reminding myself. It’s brave to simply keep going.

For many of us, the edge is every day.

It’s brave to keep getting up each morning when life is hard and messy. It’s brave to love unconditionally. It’s brave to bare your soul, despite all that’s happened to you. It’s brave to keep going, to hold on to hope; the belief that good things will come. The belief in something more, even though there’s no guarantee of another day. It’s brave to choose light amongst the dark. It’s brave to keep moving forward, inch by inch, to heal, to recover, to get strong.

It’s brave to be standing on the edge considering leaping. It's braver to push over the edge. It’s brave to fly, it’s brave to fall. It’s brave to try, you’re only human. Stay brave my friends, stay brave. Stay true to your wants. And that, dear heart, is courage.

Syreeta Challinger, August 2020.

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