Caring Hands

“In a way it doesn’t matter if you open doors or close them, you still end up in a box.” So said feminist author Marilyn French in her 1977 debut novel The Women’s Room. Although it’s more than 40 years later, this notion that no matter which direction you take as a woman, you’ll eventually end up cornered and wondering how and why, is as relevant today as it was during the height of second-wave feminism.

This quote came to mind recently when I heard about two smart and talented women I know who’ve both taken a step back from careers they love to care for their children. One is a creative who came to the decision that the cost of childcare for her two young children was prohibitive when compared with the financial gains of working freelance in Dublin. She has decided to parent full-time and hope that she can squeeze in commissions around her children’s day-to-day needs. The other is a research scientist with a PhD, who after 15 years working in academia, left the role and took on a part-time position in an entirely different field with a local company so that she could spend more time with her three children, each of whom has special needs.

After several years in university and another decade at least working to establish themselves and build reputations within their respective industries, both of these women should be at the height of their careers and their earning power – their husbands certainly are. Instead, they’re walking away; from jobs they find fulfilling and enjoyable, and from roles that also offer something to people outside of themselves – working in both the arts and the sciences can impact the lives of others in a very meaningful way. Neither would have taken this decision had there been a viable alternative. This is often referred to as “the motherhood penalty”, but it’s not only women with children who must make sacrifices in their careers for reasons beyond their control.

essential care

I watched a former editor of mine care for her ageing mother for several years while holding down an extremely demanding job in publishing. I watched her work late nights to compensate for hours spent at hospitals, I saw her eaten up with guilt when her mother had a fall on one of the very rare occasions she couldn’t be by her bedside at night. I marvelled at how she managed her own life admin along with the layers of complicated paperwork involved in overseeing an older relative’s affairs. She was often exhausted, emotionally and physically, yet her attention to detail was always unerring, and her quality of work exceptional.

My former boss wasn’t married so she didn’t have the luxury of reducing her working hours, or indeed, stepping back from work completely to focus on her mother’s welfare. She had no other income to fall back on. But even if she had been able to take some sort of a career break to become a full-time carer, what a shame that would have been for me and my peers; we would have lost an incredible editor and mentor simply because there’s not enough flexibility in our workplaces or sufficient government policies in place to accommodate women with concerns and responsibilities outside of the workplace, which is, in fact, all of us.

To me, she was like a superwoman. But then so many women in midlife are superwomen. According to a 2019 study, “Caring and Unpaid Work in Ireland”, published jointly by the Irish Human Rights and Equality Commission and the Economic and Social Research Institute, 45% of women provide care for children and older adults compared with just 29% of men. Emily Logan, chief commissioner of the former organisation, remarked that the study, “...reflects the State’s low involvement in support for caring and sees Ireland more in line with southern and eastern European countries than with countries like Scandinavia or Western Europe.”

Isn’t this just another example of an issue that has never been addressed in any serious manner by policymakers because it mostly affects women? Exactly like the cost of childcare in this country. But as far back as 1995 – a quarter of a century ago – at the fourth World Conference on Women in Beijing, a global commitment to achieving equality, development and peace for women was set out in a written declaration, yet words have not been backed up by action and so there remains an enormous gender imbalance between the care responsibilities that are heaped upon women, but not on their male partners and colleagues, in this country and many others.

Women are, in fact, still treated like a free resource, ready, willing and able to subsidise men’s and the state’s shortcomings. We’re the default carers.

And it looks unlikely to change any time soon. According to a report by the BBC last year, half of women will be carers by the age of 46. So where does this leave women in the long run? Being knocked out of the workforce – even out of your chosen field – in midlife can have devastating consequences. It’s simply not that easy to pick up where you left off (if you decide you want to) having taken time out to raise children or care for elderly parents. For every one woman in midlife looking to get a job after a career break, there’s at least 20 fresh-faced, energy-fuelled millennials behind them ready to convince the employer that they can do a better job. Confidence and the ability to sell yourself are key skills needed for getting a job at any age, but of course these are the aspects of ourselves that become slowly eroded when we’re at home with small children or sick relatives.

Financial Future

This can leave women in a precarious financial position in midlife, without a solid income of their own, perhaps without their own pension or savings plan. Without sounding like the voice of doom, what happens if a woman’s marriage fails after she’s sacrificed her own career and personal finances for the greater good of her family? That’s a frightening place to find yourself in middle age. And what are companies and society losing out on when these smart, talented women stop contributing to the workforce. The problem is we’ll never know. Might one of them have found a cure for the coronavirus? Might another have made it into government and helped effect policy change to further other women’s interests? Perhaps one of them would have created a defining piece of art, or written a seminal piece of fiction? Or maybe not, but certainly according to an article in the Irish Times in 2018, “Evidence indicates teams [in organisations] perform best when they contain a high number of women.” Ironically, it’s the characteristics in women which make them good carers – empathy, resilience, selflessness, adaptability – that are desperately needed in the workforce to counterbalance the ego and aggressiveness traditionally associated with men.

It’s always bothered me that the terms “allowance” and “benefit” are attached to the words carer’s and children’s. There’s something very patronising about the former (it sounds like a handout or pocket money you might give to a child) and misguided about the latter (as if the paltry €220 a week given in exchange for the amount of work involved in caring is a “benefit” rather than completely inadequate). No wonder there is so little respect attached to unpaid caring roles. They’re subliminally presented, even by government language, as less important and of less worth than traditional employment.

Here’s another great quote from The Women’s Room; “What is a man, anyway? ...everything I see around me in life tells me a man is he who makes money.” Until the care provided by women to children and the elderly is valued and supported at an institutional level, Marilyn French’s words will remain as poignant as ever.

Marie Kelly, July 2020.

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