Bloody Vital

I have a preteen daughter, to whom I’ve recently spoken at length with about periods. She is on the Autism spectrum also, so our conversation around menstruation was, and continues to be quite graphic and in-depth. I don’t know how it’s been for other mothers. I don’t know how it is for fathers telling daughters. But what I do know is that it must not be something to strike fear into them. And it must be open, helpful and confident.

It must be the opposite of the reaction of 84 people to the (frankly, quite excellent) Tampax and Tea ad, banned this week in Ireland by the Advertising Standards Authority. This overreaction was based on fear, on disgust, on shame and on what can only be imagined as the perceived inconvenience at the prospect of that ad coming on TV and the complainers subsequently having to explain what periods are to someone else, possibly a younger person, and that being a tad awkward maybe. Or graphic. You know, with all that inconvenient blood...

Spare me.

Here’s the truth: periods happen to half of humanity. Periods can be messy, periods can be inconvenient, periods can be painful, periods can be fraught with worry as to whether they are normal or not.

And this is exactly why talking about them truthfully is so bloody vital. Pardon the pun.

Here’s more truth: periods are an incredible function of the female body. They are one of the very best ways of scanning our overall wellbeing in terms of fertility and general health, so much so, that in 2016, menstrual health and cycle was added as the fifth vital sign in US obstetrics and gynaecology. Yep, up there with heart rate, temperature, blood pressure. You know, those vital signs everyone is ok with...

Knowing about the colour of menstrual blood and what it represents is important. It leads to knowing about hormone levels and how they affect you. Knowing about periods and how to deal about them, is so important that hiding them and keeping them out of mainstream airtime and conversation is a disingenuous act of shame; a direct act of reduction.

It tells our daughters, that something really big - a huge part of their identity as a woman, as a human, is shameful.

What?!

When did the damn clocks go back?

As a nation, here in Ireland, we’ve come a good way in terms of acceptance of our fellow humans and all our collective choices and ways of being. We voted for marriage equality and we repealed the 8th. We are not in any way perfect and have much work to do on general equality and attitudes, but our minds are opening. It’s something to be proud of.

But this, banning this Tampax ad, for shame, takes us back to the dark days.

And I remember the dark days, I was in 5th class at school when a girl in my class got her period. She didn’t know what it was and she hid in the toilets and cried until a teacher went to help her.

She thought she was dying. Her panic was visceral and loud. We all heard.

It was hush-hushed away after that.

I recall the daughter of my mum’s friend staying in our house, sleeping on a mattress in my room, she was a couple of years older than me and one morning she got up and I noticed blood on her sheets, and through her trousers. I remember her going in and out of the toilet a lot. I was terrified. I thought she was sick with some sort of serious disease. I hadn’t had my own period chat then. I didn’t talk about it to her, or my mum. Imagine how she felt? Did she ask my mum for help? Or a pad, or tampon? I don’t know.

I remember my own period arriving and telling my mum, who cried.

She cried as I was on the cusp of womanhood. I had crossed the threshold - no longer a child. I understand this. But I felt it like it was a loss of something, not a gain.

On from then, as I grew up, periods were just that monthly thing. I don’t recall many, I fell into step with my cycle. I recall it coming heavily, and painfully on the day I began my leaving cert exams. Which was also my birthday. That’s it really.

Until I began having sexual relationships and then the dance of the period began in earnest. Not having sex because of it. Trying to hide it. Not wearing pads in the company of boyfriends because my young, insecure vanity didn’t like the look of them. On heavy days, using tampons and pads together to avoid any leaks into my knickers. In those early days of female physical and sexual autonomy, I felt like an imposter - my body more in charge than I. The unease of the early days of my cognition around menstruation more to the front of my mind.

But as I matured. My confidence with men matured. My confidence in myself and my body matured. My understanding matured. There are those stories we all have of beginning to bleed during sex - it’s all quite graphic really isn’t it; the sheets, the skin, the hands - the optics. But it becomes less of a thing to care about.

We are women, it’s what our bodies do. We also grow babies inside us, give (bloody) birth to them, and feed them after they are born. Very bloody powerful, right?

Very bloody vital.

As I grew in my own body awareness, I was more confident in general terms. Less bothered by a rogue leak, comfortable with sex and my cycle, well able to talk about it with men, well able to hold a Tampax clearly in my hand on the way to the loo at work. More able to ask another woman for one if I needed one, more able to ask a partner to buy me some when they were at the shops.

These moments shouldn’t feel abnormal, but there are still so many tampons surreptitiously hidden up sleeves in offices. Still so much shame...

So what can we do?

We can talk.

To each other, and to our mothers and daughters. We can create an ongoing conversation around it. We can talk - out loud - no hushed tones - about periods within our homes. For all the boys to hear too. We should talk to our kid’s Dads about what it’s like to bleed, about what it’s like to be in the monthly cycle so that they can understand, and then be normal with their daughters.

We can talk about periods, pain, tampons and pads. We can talk about endometriosis, cysts, sex, contraceptives, menopause and all the other elements of bleeding. We can talk about them as health matters just like colds, or tummy bugs, or headaches.

Just like normal things...

We can be normal about it.

We can stop the negative, coded language around it too. ‘The auntie is visiting’ eh, what?!

We can also stop referring to period products as ‘sanitary products’ - because, for the people in the back, IT’S NOT DIRTY, it’s normal. We are not ‘unclean’ when bleeding. Such stigma - stop it!

Nobody has an issue in asking for toilet paper if there’s none, but there is often reserve in asking for tampons. All are to deal with normal bodily functions, why the secrecy around period products?

When you type the word ‘menstruation’ into an Apple device, a red blood drop emoji is suggested, come on people - It’s everywhere around you, and it’s normal!

My preteen daughter and I are on the journey now. I have shown her how to use a tampon correctly. I have shown her pads. I have told her, at length, what it feels like and what she will notice when it comes. But more than anything I have told her how amazing it is, how amazing her body is, and what an honour it is to have such an incredible cycle at work within her.

When hers comes, we’ll celebrate. Out loud. The whole house. Men and all!

Why?

Because it happens to half of humanity. Because we have to call time on hiding, on shame.

Because our daughters deserve better.

Because it’s so bloody amazing, what our female bodies do.

Because it’s so bloody vital.

Ellie Balfe, August 2020.

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