The Anxiety of Socialising

The words anxiety and pandemic go hand-in-hand. We’re all feeling the after-effects of weeks indoors, contained in our bubbles, cut off from physical interaction. It’s natural to feel anxious in a way you might not have before – especially as you begin to socialise in larger groups again.

Some are comfortable in gatherings of friends (with masks in tow) while others I know can’t say they’ll sit in a restaurant before the end of the year. It’s not the gathering that unsettles, it is the unknown. The invisible virus we can’t see, the wondering how many friends have stayed in small groups or those who have been braver – and being afraid to ask about this (or say this) for fear of judgment. It makes sense then, that we might be less inclined to socialise now, or feel anxious at the thoughts of doing so.

However, this is not strictly called Social Anxiety (a term many have used very loosely when talking of this subject), says psychologist Allison Keating.

What is Social Anxiety?

Social Anxiety disorder (or Social Phobia) is a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations which usually starts early in life. This intense fear of such situations tends to not go away on its own.

“I'd be cautious saying social anxiety as a general term because it's like saying ‘I'm a bit OCD,’ when you’re not,” explains Allison. “People are mislabelling it as Social Anxiety whereas, in this case, there is anxiety in social settings. And there’s a vast difference between the two.”

“Social Anxiety is something that starts in your teens and stays there. It’s hugely debilitating and alters every relationship and every aspect of your life. A lot of people are just basically stuck at home. And the crux of Social Anxiety is this horrific fear of doing anything that would cause you embarrassment. This is very different to people coming in and saying they are having what is a very normal reaction to a pandemic.”

What’s important, says Allison, is to normalise these feelings. “How could we not have some anxiety? You're told to stay inside to keep safe and then you're told, okay, go back outside and, and yes, all the stipulations are still kind of there and there's no cure yet for this virus. “So I would think it's a reasonable response to have some levels of anxiety and apprehension and because there is so much uncertainty.”

“Social Anxiety is a diagnosis. You need treatment and it’s very severe. What’s come on during the pandemic goes back to anxiety. So it starts with saying, let's recognise that what we're having is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.”

What to do

Nevertheless, if you are feeling general anxiety at the thoughts of your social life resuming, Allison says there is something you can do to help. Quite simply, it’s about setting boundaries and being honest and upfront (with a bit of tact added in).

“I am seeing that perhaps during cocooning or lockdown specifically, people who actually recognise that they have been pushing themselves in social situations that they actually weren't that comfortable with anyhow. There's clarity happening for people but it’s also down to what we call their temperamental templates – which aren’t really going to change. So if you left the party and were home by twelve, or stayed the whole night, you’ll be judged the same way. But now with the added pressure of should I be going? What will people think? Am I being judged? It’s like a no-win situation. “

“People are being put into incredibly difficult situations that they wouldn’t have been in before, and it’s about being honest with the friends you have and using a little bit of humour if you feel it’s getting too heavy”.

“It’s also about being comfortable with setting your own boundaries and doing what you actually think is okay, which is such a great way to be about life in general,” Allison continues. “To ask yourself, look, what am I actually going for? What are my needs? And then figure out, how can I meet my social needs in a way that's comfortable for me?

“Just remember, you’ll never please everyone. Because we're being forced to have conversations that are really tricky. The plus side is that'll actually help you grow as a person. It's good to have open frank conversations. It's good to actually stipulate what your needs are in a very normal way. I think it's just about kind of figuring out what works best for you. And that's all that matters.”

Jennifer McShane, July 2020.

Are you feeling nervous about socialising again?

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