A Time of Atonement

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Without sounding like a complete and utter cliché, this time of peculiar stillness forced upon us by the pandemic has caused immense personal reflection. Having my thoughts and memories arise from what seems like nowhere, memories that had been burrowed deep down in subconscious were now rising to the forefront. Like picking at a scab, old wounds have opened, old flames, even old friendships and events have flashed up. Flickers of memory once long forgotten, now blasting out in full technicolour.

Perhaps like me, you’ve been in this space and felt moved to reconnect. Your finger hovers over their number on your phone or name on Messenger. There is a yearning. A longing. Not for anything more than a simple connection. To make peace. That life is too short for words being unsaid. You may want to get in touch and see how this person is doing, maybe even offer up a well-overdue apology, but some time has passed and you don’t know if it is the right thing to do or even appropriate.

Or perhaps the last time you spoke, it didn’t go well at all. Whether it be an ex-colleague or ex-boyfriend or ex-friend, you genuinely want to wish them well. I have gone from wildly thinking ‘yes, what is there to lose now’, to thinking, ‘well it’s been a long time, some things are better left unsaid’.

But after much deliberation, months of the repeated thoughts rising, I decided, that yes, I need to right all the wrongs that were haunting me. That one has to risk the heart for peace and love to find you. Yes, I would get in touch. As ultimately, I deeply believed that it would prove to be healing.

To make sure it was the right thing, I did ruminate for a long while. I kept asking myself questions, the mental self-enquiry in the snippets of alone time I had around the family. Why was I keen to do this? I had to figure out if I was seeking something or simply feeling lonely. There possibly was an element of both but I didn’t wish for any relationship to rekindle, that I knew for sure.

This wasn’t me wanting to hook up with an ex for a buzz. I simply wanted to say what I should have said to their face at the time. It was from a true and deeply grateful place; I simply wanted to say thank you for the lessons and was prepared to accept whatever the outcome.

Now I am not religious in that I have one faith. I have a broad church of love. I grew up with a Hindu Mum, an Atheist Dad, went to a School with Evangelic Christian attachments, and grew up with friends of multi-faith, attending mosque, synagogue and temple for every life milestone there is. Going through these thought processes made me realise that the message I kept coming back to was atonement.

There is a strong message in Judaism to focus on hurt: how easy it is to feel it, how hard it is to express it and how awkward but also necessary it is to make amends for perpetrating it. The foundation of the Day of Atonement or Yom Kippur, one of the most effective resolutions of social conflict.

On the Day of Atonement, Jewish folk are guided and encouraged to sit down with their families, parents, children and send messages to acquaintances, lovers and ex-friends, to share their relevant moments of rage, infidelity, cowardice and greed. Those who receive the apology are encouraged to accept graciously and recognise the sincerity and effort which has been invested in asking for their forgiveness or offering of thanks.

Rather than letting the irritation or annoyance, bitterness, or perhaps even shame and guilt build-up, it’s encouraged to be open-hearted. To discuss our human imperfections and be ready to draw a line under the past. Our vulnerability may sometimes get in the way; we hurting after all and at the same time offended that this happened, which brings some complexity to the forgiveness. Yet knowing that we are all fallible, we are all only human after all, is where the connection to each other lies. That every move is driven from a space of love, for ourselves and others.

Of course, atonement is not unique to one faith. However, I am drawn to the fact that this righting a wrong within Judaism is down to the human element, and not attached to fear-based repercussions from a deity or higher being.

This is where my multicultural and multifaith experience has served me well. This pandemic has shown me that love is my compass and to be able to self serve and show myself compassion, means I have some work to do in treating others how I wished to be treated. Learning from the best sides of these faiths and digging deep into this teaching, I realise the importance of regularly communicating my needs, confessing to the errors of my ways, my foolishness and forgive it in others but most in importantly, myself.

a technique to try

Through therapy, I have learnt that the DEAR MAN technique which comes from (DBT) an approach that teaches practical skills in managing emotions and being effective in relationships. As founded by psychologist Dr Marsha M. Linehan, the strategy can help you focus on presenting the facts and your hopes alongside a mutual benefit, all of which can be helpful when you wish to get your needs met.

DEAR stands for describe the facts, express how you feel, ask for what you want, and reward or reflect on what’s in it for the other person. The MAN part is more about how to deliver your message: mindfully, in a confident manner and negotiate as needed. Essentially, focus on your intention, remind yourself of your worth, yet strive to be flexible.

DEAR

• Describe the facts

• Express how you feel

• Assert or ask for what you want

• Reinforce or reward

MAN

• Mindful

• Act confident

• Negotiate, if needed

DEAR MAN encourages a clear linear route without getting lost in the emotion of it all. As if you start with too much anger, perhaps even if it’s justified, the other person will, of course, become defensive. Psychologist Jenny Taitz explains it’s best to describe the facts simply, then express your feelings. For example, instead of saying, “You’re selfish” or “You were manipulative,” just describe exactly what happened. For example, “When I told you about my depression and you didn’t follow up, I felt hurt.”

By opening up, being vulnerable, the other person has an opportunity to connect, to empathise. Then you can ask for what you’d like to happen—“I’d appreciate if when I’m struggling, you don’t run but reach out” It’s a two-way street, it allows us to reflect on the response too. You might say, “I promise I won’t go on and on. I care about you and your feelings and want to hear about them and be there for you.” Remembering that this isn’t about pandering to someone, it’s ensuring you will be heard and in the right emotional space to do so.

reaching out

I have sent messages to my boyfriend from sixth form college, thanking him for showing me another way of being and a family life different to my own and in balance, apologising for behaving badly when we drifted apart at university. I reached out to a friend who I was abrupt with and stopped messaging when I was in a deep dark place mentally a few years ago. I explained this in full and how it hurt, yet how I missed her. It was joyfully received and in turn, I received an apology for her not being a good friend in my time of need. We both got comfort from my moment of courage to press send.

I even apologised to a friend I had strung along with blurred boundaries of ‘friends with benefits’ in my early twenties. This one had my pulse racing as I had always been left with a ‘what if’ haunting me, and felt awful for the way I behaved from a place of fear and low self-esteem. I explained all of this and apologised. This message was graciously accepted, prompted a little surprise and immediately closed off to any further communication. I accepted the healing was mainly on my part and finally felt free of the shame and guilt.

There have been a few messages with no return. And that’s been hard to accept but also a lesson in grace. I tried to not put too much value on the idea of closure. Not every message will be a perfect ending nor would it suddenly help everything to be ok. Instead of fighting reality, I remain open-hearted to what is, even if it’s painful or awkward.

There have been some messages that have never even been sent. Where I realised it was more healthy to maintain some emotional distance. I walked away for a reason and for the sake of self-compassion it was not worth reigniting the connection.

The whole process has been incredibly cathartic; soothing my soul and easing the taunts of memory that have fuelled moments of anxiety during the last year. This time of reflection has held a mirror; we are not perfect. We are of course deeply imperfect. Yet our world needs us to change and own that. We can’t ever progress and live harmoniously in society if we can’t even hold our hands up and say I was wrong, offer and accept an apology, or even give thanks for a lesson learnt.

It has made me realise is that no matter what challenges or issues arise down the line, I promise myself to have the courage to face up to any conflicts or upsets the moment they arise. Or if I feel like my heart would burst if I didn’t tell someone I loved them, then I’ll say it. I’ll tell them and shout it loud and proud! Being able to address or boldly state an emotion in a positive way can only make our friendships and relationships stronger.

So here is to facing life head-on, with a full heart. Reconnecting with one too. There will always be those relationships that can never be fixed or those connections that can only be made once more if it is truly healing for you and will not cause too much distress to the other person.

But in the end, what’s important is what we learn about ourselves. We can’t live life through the advice of others or their lens or even living in the past of what has happened, but it sure can help lighten the way. Lighten the load on our mind and make the world a better place whilst at it. As it all starts with us. Our words and actions matter. And in a world that feels full of injustice and crisis, I believe this is the best way to navigate change. To heal some hurts. To speak up, to right wrongs, to communicate our needs and act with love in every word and move we make.