The Side-Eye on keeping something back

When the Chief Medical Officer in Ireland announced that he was taking a step back to spend time with his dying wife, the tributes came flooding in. Yet amongst the great outpouring of sympathy and compassion for the Holohan family, there was a small, faintly perceptible element of surprise.

We have grown so accustomed to the idea of sharing the most intimate details of our lives – the struggles, the cute pets, the birthday breakfasts and the view from our walk down the pier – that the idea of someone having an unknown sorrow or private experience is almost alien to us. For a moment, we feel almost put out. Can we believe anything they have ever told us if they haven’t told us absolutely everything?

Whenever we hear that a picture-perfect influencer does not, in fact, spend the day bouncing on her bed surrounded by balloons and #gifted loungewear having endless #blessed #familyiseverything moments, it’s jolting. No matter how much we suspect that their lives can’t be entirely without the cleaning up of cat sick or the rotisserie line of fish finger-based cuisine, part of us likes to go along with the lie. Like Dorothy, we don’t always want to go behind the curtain to see the pedestrian workings of the perfect life. The danger of that is that we forget that behind every façade, whether that’s a senior medical professional or a lifestyle blogger or just that woman walking down the street, there’s a real person.

Of course, social media burnout is real, even though most of us will never need to post a tear-stained apology for our followers explaining why we haven’t been posting. Even for those (like me) who are social-media shy warthogs creeping to the drinking pools in the dead of night, rather than flamingos frolicking for the spotters by day, we’re all accustomed to presenting our best selves to the world.

We have concentric circles of intimate friends who probably do know the best and the worst of it, then the outer ring of acquaintances who suspect us of secretly fish-fingering-and-shouting but go along with the illusion of crafting-and-cuisine. Then there’s those who don’t know us at all, who are incredibly impressed by our Linkedin profiles and bon mots on Twitter. It’s hard to keep up appearances or to work out how to let the truth leach into your carefully constructed persona.

The last few months have been a crash course in back to basics, and the casting off of all that is unnecessary. The Great Slowing Down has forced us all into retreat, and inevitably to self-reflection. Away from the world, we are forced to confront, not only our true hair colour but also our true selves, whether that’s our behaviour as a parent or partner, an employee or a friend.

As the world slowly opens back up, we can see what’s worth keeping back. Time for ourselves, maybe. The realisation that some of your friends are emotional drains and you feel better away from them. The confirmation that you prefer staying in, to going out. The truth that keeping part of yourself close and private helps you keep a still and steady centre. And that’s something that we all need.

Jennifer Coyle, July 2020.