Caution: May be Toxic

By midlife, you hope that you have a better grasp on the kinds of people, relationships and work that makes you happy. However, your life may also have gotten more complicated by the fact that you don’t always get to choose who you surround yourself with. An ex-partner you still parent with, dependent relatives or work colleagues that you either need to manage or collaborate with can all makeup elements of your life that are beyond your control.

While many of these relationships can be positive and nurturing, one key difficult one can have a major impact on your health and wellbeing. By midlife, many of our own parents are reaching a time when they need physical support and care. But if this relationship is detrimental to you it poses a serious challenge. So what do you do when you can’t just walk away from a so-called toxic relationship?

Identifying the problem is essentially ‘Ground Zero’. A toxic person is someone who is unable, for a raft of reasons, to take responsibility for their feelings, needs and ultimately their own issues in life.

It can manifest in a multitude of ways, through controlling or abusive behaviour, continued criticism, jealousy, victimhood and narcissism. Trish Murphy, a psychotherapist, teacher and trainer in Trinity College, says the first thing to realise when dealing with someone with those characteristics who you are bound to for whatever reason, is that the issue is not your issue.

“Many people believe that if they placate the other person that they will get some peace,” says Murphy, “but it rarely lasts for very long, and it can become a pattern. Your confidence can disappear and your ability to speak and to challenge can just begin to fall away. The thing to recognise is the person who needs help is the other person.”

“If somebody is very controlling the chances are they are full of fear,” continues Murphy. “They control things because they are afraid. But also this vulnerability can suck the other person in because they often love them, and it’s not the only defining part of that person. They get trapped into this placating pattern and it never ever works because you are not the person who can solve it. For instance, it could be something along the lines of dressing a certain way. But changing how you dress is not going to solve the issue. It is not helpful to solve it because you can’t. It’s very difficult because you also feel sorry for them, even though you may also be angry with them.”

Establishing that the issue is not yours is the first step. But in circumstances where you can’t just walk away, then trying to get the other person to face the problem is next. “So you have to figure out what the issue is.” says Murphy, “then you do your best to get that person to deal with that issue. First of all, though, you try to deal with them positively. You say to someone, ‘Look, I have your back, I think you’re a worthwhile person but you have to deal with it’. It can be really hard. For people who don’t like confrontation, you could spend years not dealing with it, and the situation is growing until something terrible happens and that’s what you don’t want.”

The next course may be taking a hard stance with it, being prepared to take yourself out of the situation. But if that is not an option, then getting the support you need is the one thing you can do. “It’s really important that you get the support you need. Whatever decision you make you follow,” says Murphy. “That will be money well spent.” I terms of coping mechanisms when interacting, expressing how you feel to the other person using ‘I’ statements is important in terms of maintaining your position apart, and avoiding being drawn into habitually repetitive toxic arguments.

Often there is a sense of being overwhelmed, and powerless in a dynamic that may have built up over years. “We lose our composure, our rationality, you get hooked into it.” But, says Murphy, even if you cannot permanently walk away, there is a choice that you can make. “You don’t have to stay in that pattern. There is a point where you can say, ‘I have decided I am going to take control, this is my choice’. If you have children with someone for instance and they are really toxic, you might still decide to keep the relationship going for the sake of the kids, which is really wonderful. But if you are continually drained and suffer, and are outraged, the answer may not be to cut the person off, but you can say I’m not going to lose my mind over it.”

In fact, the challenge of dealing with a really difficult, emotionally charged relationship when there are no easy outs can bring with it its own valuable experience, says Murphy. “For many people, setting boundaries is not a skill we are born with. It is something we learn over time. We do it through trial and error, through making the wrong calls. Figuring out how to martial your own line, to maintain your own wellbeing against great odds is a hard-won, never forgotten lesson.”